For Lack of a Better Word

Have you ever had a feeling?

Character: Taylor

Inspiration: severe anxiety and panic attacks

______________________________________

Feeling - with the weight it holds, you'd think it'd we a bigger word.

Most of the "weighted" words are like that. Like panic, for instance. A five letter word, that for some, can hold more power than the sun does.

I am one of them.

When something unfamiliar happens, I freak. And I don't mean I feel a little upset, or it makes me uncomfortable. When something happens that I'm not used to, I completely lose it.

What's even worse, sometimes it hits stronger than others, so I can't even prepare for it.

When it's worse, I'll sit there, feeling like the entire world is collapsing around me, a killer sense of impending doom seems to take control of my fight or flight - and it picks flight every single time.

Then, when I'm alone, and my stupid brain decides it's safe to do, I cave. I give up, and the fear swallows me whole.

Sometimes, I'll be shaking or crying. It's always a negative experience, one filled with snot, sweat, and nails in palms, but at least I always feel better after those.

When I don't cry? I just sit there rocking back and forth, suffocating on the feeling of it, the fucked up thoughts that my head makes of death and pain and skin peeling and shouting and guns firing-

Let's just say that when I don't cry, I see shit that nobody should have to see. Stuff that's usually not even real.

So, while feeling may not be the biggest or most complex word,

It sure isn't simple.