Memories of the Saint

Envy: Part 1

The drive to the open field was taking forever for Malthus. He told himself it was because he wasn't interested in getting there at all, but he was there, sitting in Roberto's father's car, just because of pressure and to please his best friends. However, no matter how much he pushed it aside, there was a certain excitement in his stomach as he admired the stars and the lights of the increasingly distant streets and houses of Santana dos Ferros. From time to time he would glance at his friend Roberto, his skin glistening with sweat and his cheeks slightly pink "probably from excitement" Malthus thought to himself. He hated to have such thoughts of his own friends. He didn't like to judge them, but at the same time, he felt that his thoughts, even the most unpremeditated ones, should only contain words that Father Nelson could hear.

It was a hot summer night, and Roberto was wearing a cotton shirt that seemed to dance to the breeze coming through his window. "Open the glove compartment for me" Malthus obeyed and opened the glove compartment to find a pile of crumpled and scribbled papers and a couple of small notebooks in equally bad condition. "What exactly do you want me to look for?" said Malthus as he rummaged through the mess, smudging a finger with fresh ink from an uncapped pen. Roberto, without taking his eyes off the increasingly unpaved road, took a box of cigarettes out of the glove compartment to put one in his mouth while, with his other hand on the steering wheel, he continued to drive at a cautious pace "I think there are some matches under there."

Malthus obeyed again, this time rolling his eyes. It was only a short time since Roberto began smoking, Malthus could not understand why such a habit consumed so many men and a few daring women. He always saw how tobacco came first, then drinking and then worse. It reminded him of the awkwardness of the situation he was in. As he searched for the matchbox between his feet, he thought about how he was on his way to the open field, at night, to "hang out" as Aramel  told him. But as even if he didn't go out as much as the rest, Malthus knew what was going on in that open field. Maybe he didn't get to know what was going on in the night streets of the city of Belo Horizonte, but in the small town of Santana dos Ferros where he had grown up, it was hard not to know what was going on around every corner, even if you spent most of your time in a convent. Malthus felt a surge of shame from his stomach to his throat to finally say in a broken voice "here you go" as he passed the matches to Roberto.

Roberto stopped the car for a moment and calmly lit his cigarette, puffing smoke out of his nose like a victorious dragon, Malthus could see how Roberto felt on top of the world "Today I want to introduce you to someone". Those words would not have surprised Malthus on any other occasion. Roberto had a great social life. Despite having a certain melancholic and contemplative personality, Roberto had a great curiosity for the world. "And you're going to introduce me to this person in an open field at night?"

"Come on Malthus, don't you trust me?" Malthus began to play with his fingers nervously, a gesture Roberto already knew " it's a girl I like, she's smart and pretty and you'll like her". Roberto knew he was not putting Malthus in a fair situation. He knew that Malthus was aware of what the teenagers were going to that open field for, but sometimes he felt bad for him. As much as he wanted to respect his convictions and his faith, he wanted to go back to playing with Malthus like when they were kids, he wanted to experience everything the other guys were doing, but with his best friend by his side. In a way he felt he was losing him. That was why they had gone to Santana dos Ferros that summer, to be together and make up for the time that each one's business had taken away from them during the rest of the year. As much as Roberto knew that Malthus shouldn't be in that car on the way to that open field, he couldn't resist being selfish for missing his friend and wishing he was "normal".

Roberto had already been thinking about the future of his friendships since last summer, when the three of them, Malthus, Aramel and Roberto, left Santana dos Ferros behind to each follow their dreams. While Malthus used to dedicate his thoughts and reflections to God and did so through prayers, Roberto was the one who used to dedicate more of his thoughts to reflect on the future of himself and those around him. Aramel, on the other hand, used to devote all his musings only to his own daydreams.