𝐢 𝐜𝐚𝐧'𝐭 𝐬𝐥𝐞𝐞𝐩. maybe it's the looming feeling of knowing the rest of my life is about to start in the next eight hours. well, i have to get to the airport early, so seven and a half.
maybe it's because i can see the way it's crushing lorie from the inside out. we're each others anchor, and for one of us to just uproot himself and go to a completely different country for almost a year, it's not familiar or easy. i'd be just as, if not more, depressed if the roles were reversed.
i can't help but entertain the idea of calling up the executives and telling them i'm cancelling acting in possibly one of the biggest shows of the decade to sit in my best friend's condo forever. obviously, i'm not, but i did make a pros and cons list for it. they were both one word. pro: stay with lorie. con: miss out on dreams. after showing him the list, he told me i needed to take the offer or he'd never speak to me again. a little dramatic, i know- probably from all those romance books he reads- but his heart's in the right place, at least. needless to say, i took the offer.
"i'm going to miss you." i stare down lovingly at lorie, who's head has become buried in my chest during the first thirty minutes after he fell asleep. not that i mind, i totally welcome it. i'm a really touchy person, that's how i show my love, so he can sleep on me for the next decade for all i care. plus lorie's my best friend, and it's my last night in new york, so i told him i'd stay the night. the look on his face would've made it worth not going at all.
i don't think i would leave unless i already signed everything. who would want to leave lorie? he's so giggly and adorable, so caring and helpful, the biggest bookworm ever. and to top it all of, he looks like a disney character, with his huge blue eyes. that's a huge compliment, by the way.
and to think that in just a few hours, it'll all be different. lorie working the morning shift, me on a flight to canada for filming. i can imagine lorie, in my absence, will find some new reader friends who are super awesome and probably won't have an ultimatum between him and their future.
lorie tells me not to feel bad about the big decision, but i can't help it. as i already said, we're each others anchor. i'm basically his only one left. his little brother's off in italy with his big group of friends. he still has his parents, but they live farther away, and then finally, there's me. or, there was me.
i need to stop being such an overthinking wreck. an off switch for my brain would be greatly appreciated, especially because it's 5:12 am.
i'm not an insomniac or anything. it's probably because i ate all of lorie's cookies way too close to bed and it's coming back to haunt me.
lorie shifts his weight, weakly wrapping both of his arms around my waist and burying his head deeper in my chest. i take a deep, calming breath and just try to appreciate the moment. i'm here with my lorie, and we're okay. we're okay, and everything's going to be fine. we live in the twenty-first century, we can still call and stuff. we both know it's not the same, though.
he mutters something incomprehensible, then a little less muffled, "...no, mm." his voice cracks as he adds, "don't go," in the most desperate voice i've ever heard in my whole life, low and pleading.
my eyes sting as i blink rapidly, trying not to make a big deal of some random words stitched together from his dream. i decide to pick up my phone instead and scroll through photos. i have more than a few messages. two from my parents wishing me good luck, and some from random people i've met throughout my life congratulating me. one guy even asked if i could get him in the show. i didn't respond to that one.
i scroll through hundreds of photos of my life as pixels on a screen and land on a familiar one- one that lorie took while he was bored and reading a sad romance book, a rare thing for him to do. i was playing a video game, staring at the screen intently with my legs crossed over each other.
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i've always thought we balanced each other out like that, each of our quiet hobbies. reading and gaming are things we do together in that comfortable kind of silence you only get after knowing someone for a long time.
i'm going to miss him - i really am.
deciding not to torture myself any longer, i put my phone face down on the small white nightstand and shimmy under the covers, wrapping myself and lorie in the comforter.
my neck's awkwardly up against one of his hundreds of stuffed animals propped up on his bed like they're an army. i grab the pink frog up against me and push it to the side. my eyes widen as i realize that i got him that frog.
"hey, let's go to build-a-bear!"
i laugh, squinting my eyes at him and tilting my head teasingly. "don't you have enough stuffed animals?"
his face flushes as he giggles, grabbing my arm and dragging me into the restaurant. "shut up! come on, let's go."
the shelves full of teddy bears catch my eye as laughs and squeals of little kids fill the air, giving the store a comforting, nostalgic feeling to it. i can get why lorie likes this place so much.
"okay, pick one out for me, and i'll pick one out for you!" a grin spreads across his face while he dashes across the store like it's a jewelry store he's robbing. i skim the different types of bears until i see a bright pink frog and think 'this is something he would like,' so i spent a ridiculous amount of money on it. like thirty dollars, plus clothes! why does the frog need clothes?
but thirty dollars is nothing to see your best friend's face light up because of something you did. i didn't necessarily forget about the memory, but it got buried under many other good ones. i'm glad i remembered it.
normally a memory like that would make me smile so hard my cheeks hurt until i fell asleep, dreaming of the two of us together. but it's laced with the sadness of my departure in... six hours now. i really need to get to bed.
i close my eyes, temporarily forgetting about all my anxieties and worries with lorie by my side.
