Overlooked Until Him ~ Carlos Sainz

🖤 Chapter 1 🖤

Friday 31st March 2023

Dear diary,

Everything is numb. It hurts. The overwhelming grief that crashes into you like a furious wave attacking the innocent sand below it. Like a lightning bolt striking the wise tree. Like seeing your father die right in front of your eyes.

That's my day. My Dad dying. Dead Dad was great he loved us, he made me feel safe like I was wrapped in my favourite Ferrari blanket. But now that has all been ripped from me like a tornado taking everything that is not its own.

This is why people say life's not fair. Because when you think everything is perfect, the world has a different plan for you, changing your life in a matter of seconds.

-Liv🩵-

Tuesday 11th April 2023

Dear diary,

Today was his funeral. I don't even know how to feel about it. It doesn't feel real. Like i'm just dreaming and the horrible nightmare won't go away.

So much family. So much "i'm sorry for your loss". So much brothers, crowding our small family home, helping to take care of our wearing mother.

God knows how she feels right now. I feel down right depressed. So, imagine spending your whole life with a guy, marrying them, having kids with them, to have him torn away from you.

I tried to be as present as I could to help comfort my mother but my brothers seemed to have it covered. So, I went to my safe space, my room. I wrapped myself up in my Ferrari blanket and tried to sleep this cruel nightmare away.

-Liv🩵-

Thursday 27th April 2023

Dear diary,

Charles has finally gone back to f1, for the Eurasian Grand Prix in Azerbaijan. Finally, giving me some peace around here.

In the past 3 days I have not left my room as to avoid my brothers and my Mum. I know, I know, i'm grieving, I should be spending time with my family. But i feel like as soon as I see them I will break down crying a fountain of tears, which will turn into a waterfall.

Kika messaged me today. The usual asking me how I am and to message her back. I will just not yet. I want to be alone. I need to be alone.

I know she means good but I can't bring myself to typing a message. It's too much time. Too much energy. Too much mental energy for me right now.

-Liv🩵-

Monday 1st May 2023

Dear diary,

Charles has returned from Eurasia after getting P3 in the Grand Prix. The celebrations are going off downstairs. Music. Alcohol. Laughter. Joy.

How can anyone be joyful right now. Dads Dead. It's a dreadful time to be joyful. See what I did there. God I feel so proud of myself.

Back to it, they're all just so happy. It's annoying. I can hear my brothers, mother and some of the Ferrari team, i'm guessing.

For the love of God can they just be quiet. A girl is trying to grieve their Dead Dad right now.

I think that's what i'm going to call him from now on, Dead Dad. It had a catch to it. Yep. I'm decided. He is now Dea...

*Knock Knock*

"Who is it?" I answered with the bluntest tone possible, annoyed that I have been interrupted.

"Hey Livvy..." Charles "Can I come in?" Sure why not you've already opened the door. Why not just wonder through it.

"Sure"

"I wanted to check on you. We haven't really talked since Dad died. You've been really shut off." He explained concerningly.

"I'm fine, Charles. I just want some space at the moment."

"That's understandable, but Mum said you haven't left your room, which means you haven't eaten, which worries me' he expresses.

Maybe I haven't eaten because i'm not hungry.

"I've just not been hungry that's all. I've had the stomach bug. So I didn't leave my room so no one else would catch it. I'm still not fully better. So you might want to go before you catch it. I don't want you to miss your next race in Monza."

"Nice try. I can see you lieing a mile away. You avoid eye contact so you feel less guilty. Talk to me Livvy"

"I'm fine Charles. I just want to be alone"

"Come on Liv..."

"GET OUT CHARLES. JUST LEAVE ME. LIKE EVERYONE ELSE" I lost my temper almost instantly. I asked him to leave nicely yet here he still is.

"Olivia, you do not shout at your brother. He is just trying to help. So that's enough." My mother came up and scolded me.

I could also see that Arthur and Lorenzo were looking at me worriedly from my doorframe.

All I could do was look down. Of course I felt guilty and ashamed for shouting at him. But like I said I want to be alone. That's all I needed right now.

So I got up and walked into my bathroom and locked the door to escape them. It was the only place I could go and fortunately for me it had a lock so I didn't have to talk to them.

The only person I wanted was my dad. The person who was supposed to walk me down the aisle. The person who was supposed to be my shoulder to cry on. The person who encouraged and supported my dream. The person who took me to races with my brothers. The person who gave me goodnight kisses on the head every night. The person who is supposed to be alive. The person I should've held onto better.

"That's it Olivia Mae Pascale Leclerc! You are going to the Monza Grand Prix with your brothers! End of discussion!"

What! No way! I'm not going they can't make me.

On that note though they have left my room meaning I could go back and curl back up into my bed.

God! Why do I have to go to a Grand Prix!

I know what you're thinking. You used to go with your father what's the problem.

Well I'll tell you. Everyone will just say sorry for your loss, give me looks of pity and I don't have the mental capacity to deal with that yet. Especially at a Grand Prix. It will just remind me of my father. And that what I've been trying to avoid, reminders of him, his presence and memories with him.