october | ningselle (ON HOLD)

VI

now

Giselle's phone rings, displaying a number that rarely calls.

Karina.

"Rina?" Giselle asks when she hits the green answer button, adjusting her phone to better sit between her ear and shoulder as she finishes up her chemistry homework. "What's up?"

"Gigi, I don't know what to do," Karina sighs from the other end, and there's a thump Giselle can only assume came from Karina dropping her head on a table in exhaustion. "Winter isn't responding to any of my messages or calls. She hasn't even left a voicemail, or worse, seen any of mine. She's... it's like she's ignoring me."

Giselle nearly snorts up air as she deliberates how to reply, but then she grows serious, melancholy crowding the back of her mind and pooling like mercury in her eyes.

How does she tell Karina that the reason Winter isn't speaking to her is because Winter loves her? How does she tell Karina that Winter believes that Jeno isn't enough for Karina, because Karina deserves the world in her eyes? How does Giselle tell Ningning that everything Winter feels for Karina, Giselle feels for her?

How does anyone tell their best friend that they've been in love with them for years?

"Gigi?"

Giselle jumps when she realizes that she's still on the call with Karina.

"Oh, um, yeah, I'm here," Giselle stumbles to answer, and then drops her head into her arms, thinking. "I... I think that the next chance you get, you should talk to her about it in person. And, Rina... how do you feel about what Jeno said?"

Silence from the other end, and Giselle thinks she knows what Karina will say.

"I... I don't know. I'm so confused, Giselle," Karina sighs, and she sounds so heartbroken and defeated Giselle feels awful for her. "I didn't want to go to that bar with Jeno, but I don't know why Winter was so worked up about it. You I get- you're fiercely protective- but Winter? She never speaks. Why now? Why today? And why does she hate Jeno so much?" Karina sighs again, and it crackles and rustles through the speakers of Giselle's phone like exhaustion from a tree swaying in an aged forest. Except that's just what Karina is, Giselle thinks. A pillar of their friend group, whose environment is changing, and she's only now starting to realize it.

"I think you should ask her, Rina. I think... there's a lot of things Winter needs to tell you."

"What do you mean?" Karina asks, and her voice is bewildered, desperate; searching for a clue or some way to evade the words Giselle is not allowed to say.

"I can't tell you. I'm sorry, Karina, but this is between you and Winter," Giselle answers, trying to keep her voice in check. For some reason, she's on the edge of crying. She knows that Karina and Winter will be okay.

Except she and Ningning won't.

"Okay," Karina's voice comes back, quiet and reserved. "Okay."

"Okay," Giselle whispers, and she hangs up; the absence of Karina's voice and the emptiness the call filled is here now, rising and ballooning to haunt Giselle no matter how fast she runs. She puts her phone down and lies on her bed, squeezing her eyes shut, feeling the familiar pain jab her in the chest. Cut her to pieces.

Her phone buzzes again. It's a text from Ningning. Can we talk?

Giselle almost ignores it, but she knows she shouldn't.

She's never been able to; Ningning is her weakness.

then

"Jaemin wants me to go with him to the movies on Friday," Ningning babbled excitedly, squealing and wringing her hands. "And Friday dates usually go late. He says he'll let me pick the movie but he's paying for everything and he wants to get dinner with me after and he'll probably walk me home and-"

"Whoa there," Giselle laughed, holding up a hand to slow Ningning's speech, but the happiness in her friend's eyes was, not oddly, souring her mood already. She felt foul from the inside out, green with envy. "Have you guys even defined yourselves yet?"

"Not yet, but hopefully soon," Ningning sighed. "He's so cute and chivalrous. Like, they don't make those kinds of guys anymore."

"You sound old," Giselle snorted, zipping up her bag and stepping out the door, Ningning on her tail. "Wanna grab a bite at the cafe really quick?"

"Jaemin's gonna walk me home," Ningning said apologetically, but her eyes were glowing with excitement. She was so happy Giselle didn't bother to burst her bubble, didn't bother to verbalize the pain turning her more inside out than the jealousy.

Jealousy- wanting what you can't have.

And that was exactly what Ningning was to Giselle- so close, yet millions of miles away.

now

And she always is.

She's always so far.

Across the driveway, Giselle stands, looking right through the massive, transparent windows of their favorite cafe. The one that Ningning and Giselle always went to together.

But now it's Ningning and Chenle, sitting together, talking together, laughing together, Ningning's hand on his arm.

Her heart in his hands.

Giselle has never been more pained, and as she looks at them, she suddenly sympathizes with Winter's anger in the lot on that rainy day. How awful it feels to look upon the person you'd only call yours in your dreams, making their dreams a reality with someone who isn't you?

It's like having the love of your life tell you that you're not the one for them. Well, it isn't like it, it is that exactly- Ningning's actions are, for once, louder than her words.

And it hurts.

So badly.

But, as a gentle fall rain begins to coat the worn ground in water, Giselle thinks: maybe it's better that way.