The Lesson You've Become

2

Inside me is always a negative feeling somehow brewing in what feels like the best moment of my life. It could be doubt, overthinking, anxiety, maybe all of the above. I've lived my very adventurous life, on guard-- constantly looking out. Just in case someone who knows they have the power to hurt me actually find the need to do so. It has happened, and I know it'll only happen again.
I've done it to other people too. So why, why does life have to be so mean to other people? When it comes to this world, we are like ants. We roam around the world. And as humans, we step on ants not even realizing it.
But is the world tormenting people without knowing it? Because the world always seems to find the right timing to strike. So that I could be at my prime, then sink. Sink like a boat. People loved to watch me rise, people loved to watch me. Then they watched my downfall, they just didn't know I was crumbling.
I was a star, then I disappeared.
People were confused, at the least. They expected more projects, but I left them hanging. People made rumors, conspiracies, and people talked. They chattered. They made theories.
I just feel like none of those theories were that I'd be seen in a court, sitting in the second row, watching as the man who called himself my manager fought for his career. His career being depriving girls of their youth.
My eyes were dark, inside and out. My lips were dry and as pale as my skin. My hair was thin and brittle, my eyelashes looked like they fell out, and my skin was dry. I did not look like the star that the criminal in front of me taught me to be, because I didn't want a single ounce of that girl inside of me anymore. I drained myself dry, again.

Once he was acquitted, it felt like a gunshot that shot right next to my ear. I was relieved, but still absolutely petrified. I couldn't handle the feeling, I broke down crying immediately as everyone else in that room stood up and yelled. Whether it was a happy yell of victory, or an angry yell, pleading for him to have redemption.
I wish I looked at his face one more time
because I don't know if he was happy with that outcome or if I got my justice.
What would he be happy about, though? If he was happy that he's been declared guilty then that would be.. Psychotic.
But what proves that he isn't?

Once that was over, I found myself struggling to love someone. Struggling to figure out if I am loved. Even with countless loving people around me, supporting me and trying to show it-- I struggled. I struggled to find the difference between loving someone and trying to carve them to skin and bone. I couldn't love myself, because the question filled my head: Am I worth being loved?
I wanted to be a void. I wanted to be afloat in mid-air with nothing but me and the environment. I didn't want any of my thoughts, I wanted to leave them alone and run away from them so I could be at peace, even if deciphering what peace even was wasn't an option.
Because in these days, peace was never an option.
I still remember running outside the apartment building even when my Mom told me it's a better resort to stay inside. She could never say no to me. She was so horrified that she trusted a man that she never should've, which is why whenever I wanted something, I got it. If I could.
I barely texted the four German boys. They didn't know the news, mainly because everyone begged for it not to be released. It was disguised as the manager simply retiring, which is why all the girl groups he was in charge of disbanded-- and which is why all the girls he was in charge of had a break.
Bill, Tom, Georg and Gustav.
The four boys, those are their names.
Asian Girl. That's mine. The name Mi-yeon sickens me after all it's been through.

The beach was always the kind of place that I found uncomfortable, bitter peace in. The cold air hit my skin and it filled in the cracks of my scabs, the salt water made my wounds burn-- or maybe they just got super cold. The waves washed over my feet and made it uncomfortable to walk back, and on sunset there was a moment of saying goodbye to the sun and waiting for it to rise again, though if you stay engaged-- it'll take a while.
The people waited, they waited for any update. Any choke-- any sign that I'd be back.
I never came back.

Until I did.

devilish, that was the name of the band that the four boys started. It was named after the guitar that Tom played. They thought it was cool, and edgy. I basically lost 3/4 of my German skills, so we communicated in broken germanglish and facial expression. I played the keyboard. Bill was vocals (the skinny one.), his brother Tom was guitar, their sister Sofia was guitar and vocals, meanwhile Gustav was drums and Georg was bass. It worked out for a little while, and I slightly stood out from the band since I didn't have the face of someone who's in a band. A german band.
I was on Bills bed. Bill was sitting next to me, and the others were sitting criss-cross on the floor.
"We don't need stage names, don't be stupid." Tom mumbled to Sofia, who wanted to go by something else. "Mi-yoon might." Tom said again, looking straight at me. I held the pillow in my arms. "Mi-yeon. I might need an english name, though."

"Molly!" Sofia suggested with a bright smile.
"No." I turned it down immediately. Her reaction made me think it was a bit harsh, but it's just not a name I want.
"I want it to be.. Not.. Basic ?.. Like!-- Something that starts with a letter not many names start with." I described my expectation. We all got to thinking-- The only two letters I haven't seen many names with are Z Y and X. But really, what can we do with Z Y and X?
"There's a chinese name, Xia." I suggested.
"You're not chinese." Tom said. I nodded, "How about I go by Z I A?" I said.
"Tsia?" Bill muttered. I looked at him. "ZEE-UH." I said louder, as if that would help him understand. "Okay, ZEE-UH." He mocked me. I rolled my eyes, trying to return the sass.

And then there it was. I'm in Devilish, the blonde-haired asian girl named Zia.
Zia Lee? Zia Lim. I like my mom's last name better. That's because in Korean, the last name comes first, and it's not pronounced LIM, it's pronounced EEM. Sounds like "I'm".
It's a way of saying I'm Zia.
Not Mi-yeon,
Not "Asian Girl",
Not the discarded child actress.
Zia.

That's all I am.

They all thought I was inexperienced, they wanted to teach me what life is. What their life is. They ran around, they fucked around and found out, like the kids they were.
Back when they settled into the ages of 13, 14, 15. The triplets, all of them 13-- all three, Tom, Bill and Sofia found out what drugs are.
They lived in a rough neighborhood, and Tom and Bill met these cool older guys that would give them the chances to drink, smoke and snort.
I guess they got bored with fucking around, they wanted to expand their life. They just expanded a bit too much.
I didn't find out until I joined the band, I was fifteen, the others were sixteen and seventeen. And fifteen, just one of them.
Bill left the studio early one day, and I asked why.
"To buy those crappy cigarettes he was talking about all day." Gustav said, fidgeting with his drumsticks. "Bill smokes?" I asked.
Gustav and Georg nodded. "I can't believe you didn't know." Sofia laughed a little,
"Oh, yeah." I nodded with a soft, faint smile. I didn't know. In fact, I wish I never found out. I always demonized smoking. Yeah, it hurts your lungs but-- why is Bill hurting himself? Is the pain pleasant?
Maybe Bill is more like me than I thought.

𓈒⠀𓂃⠀⠀˖⠀𓇬⠀˖⠀⠀𓂃⠀𓈒

Being a part of a band was a responsibility.
As the band started to get big, the others were happy as I was scared. I knew what responsibilities came with being famous, being recognized. People liked to recognize all the wrong things, and what caught the bait was how Bill dressed. Bill had a rather alternative style ever since he was small. He liked to be different, he liked to stand out. He still does, it's just a lot less enjoyable now.
The triplets got bullied in school when they were younger. Georg and Gustav tended to have a normal, ordinary school life. The triplets would get bullied for standing out, and the teachers hated them for that too. They'd refuse to teach them unless they start being "Normal", which the three never gave in. They breathe air, that's normal enough.
This was basically school life all over again. They'd be nitpicked and broken down, not just the triplets, but all of us now. Bill was made fun of for his alternative style, his singing voice, his energy and his personality. Tom was made fun of for his style as well, as well as his appearance and his personality. Sofia was made fun of for her energy, her voice and being siblings with the twins. Georg was made fun of for his long hair, his appearance and his body. Gustav was often slandered and called fat and stereotyped as the "odd one out". I was made fun of for being asian, being a discarded child actress and for being so skinny.
As much as they all tried ignoring it, it would always bite back.
The emo one, the weird one, the stupid one, the girly one, the fat one and the useless one.
Bill Kaulitz, Tom Kaulitz, Sofia Kaulitz, Georg Listing, Gustav Schäfer and Zia Lim.
It's hard to ignore.
Especially if you're just a teenager.