Soul Searching

Chapter 3- Serena Hansen

This is going to be a long year. I got assigned to sit next to Chase Watson, and to make that worse, Mackenzie is in this class. She keeps staring at our table and I can't tell if she's looking at me and trying to tell me something, or if she's just staring at Chase.
Chase won't look at me after he told me he was looking weird because he thought he was going to shit himself, so that's good. At least he doesn't see Kenz making googly eyes at us. I can just imagine the questions she'll ask after class.
What does he smell like? Does he have a morning voice? Do you think his teeth are naturally that white or does he use whitening strips?
"Who knows what absolute value is?" Mrs. Keen, a strict ass teacher, asks us. This makes me get out of my own head and pay attention to the lesson. I'm pretty terrible at math, coming in with an impressive 73% last year. I know, it's really bad, especially because the class was really easy for everyone else.
At least I have Kenz in this class, she's always helped me with math. Mackenzie has always had a really high average in math, but she's never gone to honors classes because she's terrified of failure.
Mackenzie is really interesting because she is one of the loudest, most energetic people I know when we are all hanging out and she's comfortable. But, when she's in a new place, class, or around people she doesn't know, getting anything out of her would be harder than moving the Egyptian Pyramids by hand.
I can always find her and Ariana living vicariously through someone else, hence their Chase Watson obsession.
Before I know it, the bell rings and I have six minutes to get to Digital Design. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Mackenzie walking over to my desk as I continue to pack up.
"Hey, Kenz."
"Heyyy Ri. So, how was-"
I didn't even let her get the full question out before answering, "He's fine. He's actually kinda weird. He kept telling me about his stomach problems." I look over to her with a semi-grossed look on my face. "I really don't know what you see in him."
"No I'm telling you, you just don't get it." I roll my eyes but a smile peels through. When I finally gather all my stuff, we both start heading to our next classes.
"I have Digital Design next."
"Ugh, I have Lit."
After about a minute of walking, Kenzie and I went our separate ways.

The rest of the day went as expected, boring classes, awkward icebreakers, twenty year old English teachers using bitmoji on their introductory slides. I actually had a few classes with my friends, lunch with Charlee and some of my other school friends being my favorite.
I'm waiting by the front door for my friends to give me a ride home. I usually feel completely depraved of everything good and joyous in life after a school day, so I'm surprised that I feel totally normal right now. Maybe it was the fact that no one really talked to me today, so I didn't have to pretend to like them. Ooh, no, it was definitely because I had no assignments today. The fact that nothing is bothering me suddenly reminds me of what I could be worrying about. Golf tryouts.
I've been playing golf since I was four years old, getting private lessons, golfing with my coaches off-season, and constantly upgrading my clubs and equipment.
I've always had an outrageous obsession with golf, practicing for at least two hours every single day. My dad golfs with me, and he's a solid player, but he's not as good as me. And yes, I gloated about that because for years he was always a lot better than I was, so beating him feels monumental every single time.
I'm not worried about making the team, I'm terrified about becoming the captain. I've wanted to be the first junior captain since freshman year. I'm better than everyone on my team, even the boys! It would be an outrage to not become captain. The only real excuse would be that 'it doesn't follow tradition.' But sucking balls and losing every match doesn't follow tradition either.
I'm just so worried about not doing enough. I don't really care about a lot. I mean, obviously I care about my family, my friends, my future, my job, but every single one of those things ties back to golf. My dad golfs, Kelsey plays on the team with me, my future should be on the LPGA tour, and I work as a caddie! My whole life is golf, even the parts that look like they are separate. And if I don't do enough to put myself in a position where everything I dream about can come true, I will have worked my whole life for no results. I can barely even think about that happening, so I just need to always be one step ahead of everyone else. I need to work harder than everyone around me, make it so people get upset when I compete against them.
I break out my train of thought when I see someone approaching me. Naturally, I assumed it was Kelsey and the rest of them, so I'm pretty surprised to see Megan Kim and Lucy Davis walking towards me, fake smiles already plastered on. I internally sigh, smile, and wave at them.
"Hey, RiRi!" Megan beams. Megan walks in an almost annoying way, a way that would look ridiculous on anyone else. But it looks fine on her, just because she is Megan Kim, she could wear a trash bag and it wouldn't hurt her reputation. She's stupidly untouchable.
She knows it too, because she knows I hate being called 'RiRi'. Only my best friends call me Ri, to anyone else it should be Serena. I hate the idea of people I hardly like giving me a nickname like we are close. Megan knows this. Megan also just doesn't care.
"Hey, Megan." I know she wants me to call her 'Meg' or some variation of a nickname just so we could match each other's energies. That's why I always call her Megan.
"Sooo, Jaz is throwing a party at her house, you wanna come?" Before I can even answer, Lucy (or Megan's personal puppy dog) adds on to Megan's request.
"It's gonna be so much fun, I actually can't wait. Jaz's parents just got an addition on the house. It's massive now." She tells me as if it means something. I always get invited to these parties, and every time I get invited, I ask, "Sure, can my friends come?"
Since I really became close with these girls, besides Charlee and Kelsey who I've known since before high school, I've never gone to a party without at least two of them there with me. Charlee always comes with me, she's a huge party girl. She always supplies us drinks, even though there are already some there.
"Oh my God, you don't even have to ask. When we invite you, we're basically inviting all of you guys." I smile at her, which makes her and Lucy smile back.
"Perfect, just text me the address." Megan claps her hands together and squeaks. I can see my friends walking towards us behind Megan, and when I look past Megan, she looks back as well.
She smiles at my friends and talks about how excited for this weekend she is. Ariana doesn't change her face, which just means she's actively giving Megan dirty looks. Mackenzie smiles at her, but mostly stares at the floor. Charlee's face lights up completely, and Kelsey tries to cover her momentary confusion with a polite smile.
When Megan and Lucy walk away, everyone looks at me.
"Don't even look at me Ri, you know I'm not going." Kelsey speaks up first. "And, I thought you were golfing with your dad this weekend, Ri." I shake my head and tell her I'm going next weekend because it's supposed to rain down here.
"I can go." Charlee reassures me. We both look at Ariana and Mackenzie, they are usually a package deal, but sometimes they surprise us. Like in our sophomore year, Kenzie went to a St. Patrick's day party at Seamus' house with me and Charlee and got so drunk, it was insane.
Kenzie has gotten drunk maybe five or six times in her life, most of those all in the comfort of one of our houses. I don't know what got into her, but she started doing karaoke and hitting zero notes, dancing on tables, and going up to random guys and starting conversations. She took shots. Mackenzie Kogen, who only drinks White Claws, did fucking shots.
It was so out of character, but really refreshing to see her just having fun. She was mortified the next day, going into FBI mode trying to figure out exactly who she'd talked to and what she'd done. I just kept telling her that mortification only lasted so long, but the memories were forever. No, literally. I have SnapChat memories from that night that I was never, ever deleting.
"I'll probably go. I just have to see if I'm free first." Ariana told us. Kenzie then nodded her head, saying, "Yeah, I'll go with you guys."
I smile at both of them, and then turn to face Kelsey. "You should really come out with us, even if it's only once. I promise, you think it's so much worse than it really is." She never goes out with us, like ever. She's like a grizzly bear who is in hibernation all year round. I get that it's not entirely her scene, but I wish I could party with her, even just once.
"Because, and no offense, your other friends are pigs." Remember when I said Kelsey was super nice and would never reprimand people. I take it back. I take it all back. She's just like me when she gets comfortable, she gets feisty. It's never purposely offensive, she knows I don't take comments like 'your friends are pigs' personally. To me, it's just another reason we are so close, we just get each other. She can call me a bitch when I ask for the aux cord, I can make fun of her tendencies to stay home instead of going out.
"You wouldn't know that because you refuse to talk to them. Remember last year on our field trip when I made you sit with them and you just looked like you were constipated the whole time? I remember that, and they were all trying to be nice to you, so I don't know where you got the adjective 'pig' from." Kelsey laughs out loud like I just said two plus two equals five.
"That's really funny that you remember that and not the time that Lucy got arrested for coke possession? As a sophomore? I'm sorry but that's trashy, and you can't tell me otherwise. I'm not wasting my time with people who basically try to kill themselves to look cool, and end up just looking desperate after everything. It's embarrassing and I don't want my image to be tainted." I thought she'd say something like 'I don't like being in the same vanicinty as people who are making out', or, 'Beer smells bad. There you go, that's my reason'. But no, that is a very valid reason and one that I do have to respect.
Kelsey can tell that I accept that answer by the way I nod and smile at her deviously. While I'm not going to force her to do something she doesn't want to, I am definitely going to make fun of her.
"Please, you don't have an image to taint." Kelsey starts walking out of the building, which causes all of us to follow her. Well, I guess I'm not going to be able to drag Kelsey to a party any time soon, or if I do, it won't be with Megan and Lucy and their group.

The ride home was normal, us blaring music, talking shit, and almost distracting Kelsey and serving ourselves our almost prominent death. I say to my mom and dad, get a snack, and hide in my room until I have to go to golf practice. This is a moment I'm infinitely grateful that I have no homework, because it allows me to be a lazy slug for two hours.
I know this state of relaxation won't last forever though. I'm a teenage girl, something always goes to shit.