"You Always Came Back Before, Why Not Now?"/Soukoku

I wish I was better to you

I didn't know what was happening until I got the call. Osamu had hidden his pain from me and it led to this.

I was sitting in a meeting with Mori and Ane-San when I got the phone call,

"What is it?"
"Sir, you are listed at Dazai Osamu's emergency contact-"
"What did he try now?"
"I am a doctor at the Yokohama regional hospital, Dazai Osamu has just been diagnosed with stage four blood cancer."

The world went in slow motion as the phone slipped from my grasp, my ears were ringing. I remember I didn't register Mori or Kouyou yelling out for me as I ran from the building, my heart pounding in my ears.

When I arrived at the hospital, all I got were looks of pity, I already knew things were much worse than I thought.
"Sir, Dazai's room is this way, if you'll follow me." The nurse had said. I was on autopilot and followed wordlessly. Arriving at the room, I saw my Boyfriend attached to multiple machines, he looked dead. Osamu never told me about his problems, he was a master at deception, always masked his feelings; but I didn't realize that what he had been hiding from me would be his downfall.

The doctor told me he had three months max, and that's only if he stayed in the hospital, I don't remember how long I cried at week, or the three months that followed, or anytime after that.

Osamu would wake up sometimes, he couldn't talk, but he would smile and listen to me talk about everything that was happening outside of the hospital. He would listen to the ADA members who came and visited, Hirotsu, Akutagawa, and Doc glasses (Ango) came too. I never really left his side, I put on a brave face when he was awake, and cried when he wasn't.

I would tell him stories of when we first met and the years that followed, the arguments and times we actually got along. I joked about the look on Dostoevsky's face when he realized me and Osamu had won, the look of shock and amusement.

I remember when the doctors told me it was getting worse, when he lost the ability to hold my hand properly.

But the one thing I wish I could forget, is the day my world ended.

I woke up to the sound of panic, and ringing in my ears, until I processed what I was hearing, wasn't ringing or static, it was Osamu's heart monitor flatlining. No matter how hard the doctors tried to help, they couldn't. I remember when the doctor said the words that ended it all for me,
"Time of death, 10:45AM." My world died, literally. Dazai Osamu, was my world.

I don't remember what happened next, besides the muffled apologies from mine and Osamu's coworkers. Aside from that, I remember getting blackout drunk, crying myself to sleep, and the funeral.

Standing in the pouring rain, in the cemetery, crying with everyone me and Osamu knew around, in front of two graves, Osamu's and his friend Oda's. I stayed there for hours, even after everyone else left.

You always come back, always. But you aren't this time.

Years passed and I still cried myself to sleep, sat at his grave wishing I could have said goodbye properly, wishing I could have married him like we always joked about. Or I thought it was a joke, until I came across the ring, four days after the funeral.

His office was almost untouched, he never did his work so it was mainly used as a storage room; but when I was cleaning it out, the damn bastard had an engagement ring hidden in a drawer. It broke me. Even now, fifteen years after Osamu left me forever, I haven't gotten over it, I haven't moved on and found someone else, I wore the engagement ring he never got to ask me with, and cry myself to sleep wishing i could feel his arms around me, the feel of his warm breath on my neck. I want my 'Samu back.

"You always came back, why not now?" I stood in front of his grave, tears falling, he always did come back.

He would always break into my apartment, I always said I hated it, but secretly felt relief when he did, I knew he lived in a shipping container, so when he was at my place, I felt happy knowing he was safe. Osamu really must have been my soulmate, I never forgot when he first asked me out, how shy and nervous he was. The same why Akutagawa was when he asked Atsushi, the weretiger, out two months after 'Samu passed.

But he got what he wanted right? The suicidal fuck head finally died. But at what cost?

I ended up leaving the mafia, started a small flower shop. I guess my mackerel was right, I'm not half bad at arranging flowers.

Atsushi and Akutagawa got married two years after Osamu died, but because of his lung disease, Akutagawa passed away a few years later. But the weretiger took the death of his lover easier than I took mine.

I guess all good things end huh? The Sheep, the Flags, Soukoku, Osamu, the mafia. Nothing I love stays. But at least 'Samu didn't die alone, I was there, holding his hand; and I'm sure I'll see him again.

After all, he always does come back to me.