Sometimes I wonder why I am born, I don't understand why, how,what is the purpose of me. I don't understand most of the times when people say they care about me but really they just are fake, and the only reason why am saying this is because nobody cares or understands me. The only people who does is my mother and my father, also my friend group who looked after me ever since I did self harm. I feel so tired,stressed, angry, and scared, it gets to the point where I am starting to think to kill myself, it will be better without me because, no money will be wasted,no annoying sounds and gremlins,and best part, no one will be hurt any more. The more I think the more I feel bad and stuff I feel like I am losing help and taking everyone down with me. I have questions about myself like "why do I deserve this?" "Am I good enough?"
"Why are you thinking about this" "I can't stop thinking about stuff in the past." "Am I going to hell?" "Am I gonna have a life?"
"When and how will I die?" "Are people going to care about me when I die?" "Why am I like this?" "Why am I such a screw up?" "Is everything they said true?" "Why am I so fat?" "What's the point of living?" "How much people in the world had self harmed themselves?" "Am I gonna see my future?" "When will I end it all?" "How come is everyone so happy?" "Am I useless?" "Why do people love seeing me cry?" "Am I stupid?" "Am I a weirdo?" "Why am I alive?"
"How bad is being in this situation than anything else?" "Why are people so weird?"
"How come I can't have a normal life with happiness?" "What's the point of being happy?" "Why's everyone so mean?" "Why do so much people care or hate me?" "Who cares about me if I die?". What's the point of living in this life if I just screw up everything single thing! I can't even say a sentence without repeating myself like 40 times. I'll show how much I hate myself, I cry to sleep every fucking night thinking how ugly and stupid I am, I want to wipe the tears out of my face but the tears bring extra joy to others to hate me, the more I want to die the more am scared of my future, I think about how good my life would me if I was just a normal person and nice, I'll be in a nice world. The more I hate myself the more I think, I don't have good decisions but it's for the best. I been so tired lately and I'm just not in the mood for anything now, I don't know if I should just end it all but the others aka my family and friends will miss me or not. It's fucking hard living like this! I hate my life, I hate my body, I hate my face, I hate my personality, I hate my stupid hair, I hate everything! I hate myself.
You think I can live in this life for longer? No I can't I have a feeling I will commit at 14, and I will. Not even an other year I can live in this life, I've thought about it and only 1 third of my family is gonna see me, I hate myself I don't know if I'll even fucking live! Am having so many thoughts of suicide now, ever since I've been friends with Mathis I've been having thoughts of suicide and death, I don't know if I'll have a future, am scared now, I stay up every single night thinking if I'll live or not. I just wanna commit, at this point I don't care if others care about me, I just wanna hang a rope around my neck. I don't care If it hurts I still wanna do it, the more I think the more it hurts, but I can't stop. I hate everything of me, I hate my hair, I hate my eyes, I hate my eyebrows, I hate my skin, I hate my nose, I hate my teeth, I hate my mole, I hate my face, I hate my stomach, I hate my hairy legs, I hate my butt, I hate my boobs, I hate my waist, I hate my arms, I hate my hips, I hate my chest, I hate my shoulders, I hate my body, I hate my feet, I hate my voice, I hate my personality, I hate my looks, I hate myself. I wanna kill myself.
