Thoughts...

Thoughts....
3/11/24

Im only writing this because I heard that it helps but honestly im only a few words in and it's already managed to make me feel worse. Im usually the type to bottle in my emotions and gaslight myself into believing that I don't deserve to feel the way I do. And part of me still feels like how could I be so selfish because In a time where I should be happy for some one im close to and care about all I can feel is sadness, anger, embarrassment, jealousy, and depression. Most days I look in the mirror and think "why tf did God make me so fat and ugly" and even though my feelings have only recently started to become this bad, part of me is realizing that even when I thought I was "confident" and "happy" that deep down I always have been insecure I was just good at tossing away the feeling. I know most people would tell me that having a boyfriend won't make me happier but honestly it would. I know I should be "loving myself first" but how can I when the whole world views people who look like me as disgusting and filthy and half the time that's how I see myself to. I hate that I feel this way. I hate that I'm angry all the time. I hate that I am always broke and can't provide a good life for my mom. I hate that I just started driving at 19 going on 20. I hate that I have to work. I hate that I have never had a boyfriend. I hate that I've never even held hands with a boy let alone kissed a guy. I hate that I can't even get a man to look in my direction. And I hate that I hate my life. I use to be sooooo happy. I use to enjoy being alive. I use to be free of worry and doubt and fear and now all I feel like ever doing is crying. In the last few days I swear I've cried enough to fill a fucking ocean. WHY. WHY did I have to look like this. Why am I like this. Why can't I just be glad that I'm breathing, WHATS WRONG WITH ME......