Chapter 1: You're the Beacon of Love in My Darkened Realm.

The day before his last day in CNX

Over the months, the moments Adriel and I share together became lesser and lesser. We're no longer able to drive together on our way home because we had different schedules. I've been longing for the moments when he used to look at me and smile to acknowledge each other. Nevertheless, we're still able to bond in the smoking area and share our daily whereabouts through social media. As you may have read in the previous chapter of this diary, you know that I was feeling jealous of the people how get to have most of Adriel's time and I can only pray that one day, he will share his time to me without me asking for it. I may sound so sad and alone, but in my most honest truth, I want Adriel to always be happy no matter how that means. I always know my place in his life and that's why I'm just always in the background if he needs or wants something that I can offer. I want to make suer that he will feel my love and care for my love language is act of service. I'm uncertain if I have written this on the previous chapters but just so you know, there was a moment when Adriel and I had a heart to heart conversation and he shared to me his frustration with the mother of his child, I really appreciated that he shares his personal life story with me and I love to know more about him and his whereabouts so I know how can I be of service for him.

As the time goes by, our lives in CNX becomes more and more toxic, and most of our friends started to leave the company. One day, Adriel told me that he's starting to lose interest and everything in our office becomes insipid for him, and that made his stats started to fail. He got called out for it so he planned to act first and leave before he gets reprimanded for his negligence. I acted cool and tried to convince Adriel not to resign because he still have a lot of plates on his shoulder, but deep down I want to kneel before him and beg him to stay because he's the main reason why I stayed in this low paying job.

I always hope that the best are yet to come, and it's been a while since Adriel and I share our lunch breaks together and they were the happiest moments in my life here in Concentrix as I am able to be the man of my word because I said in my confession that when I become friends with him, I will spoil him and I am spoiling him . But I know that the end of my happy days draws nigh as he's about to leave to take some rest then apply to a new company. I only felt worried for quite a bit because we plan that once he's been accepted to the new company, he will refer me and we will be starting our new endeavor together.

And now, one of my worst nightmare is happening.

What's happening? I know that this may happen, but why is it still crushing me to the core? What have I done wrong to deserve this? He told me that he won't change and we'll still proceed with our job hunting? it's been days since the last time we've spoke to one another. We've been taking our lunch breaks together for quite some time, and we always have our daily exchange of conversation. Everything ended when someone sent him a screenshot of my hotspots name "Alexis ♥ Adriel". I don't understand why everything change when I already accidentally sent him a message through Microsoft Teams with my drawing of him. We even had a small talk after he called my attention about it in a submissive manner, and then we changed topics. What I can recall is that he told me it's fine with him and we will still hunt for job after his summer vacation. But everything changed drastically, and we didn't talk for 5 days.

I have been crying for days now. My mind is consuming my sanity and the pain I'm experiencing right now is affecting both emotionally and physically. I feel like my energy is so drained. Even now I can barely breathe but I have to pretend that I'm okay when I doing my best in keeping my tears from pouring. I know I'm not in right mental state right now, but my responsibilities as the main provider of the family compels me to keep working in spite this heaviness that I'm carrying in my heart. I wanted to cry so loud and so hard, but I know no one will understand the pain so I suffer in silence and cry myself out when I'm alone. For when I'm alone, there will be no prejudice. No judgement. Only the sound of silence lingers me and listens to my despair. Pathetic right? Yes I am.

Then after crying myself out for several days, Adriel finally sent me a message asking why do I look grumpy for the past few days. Of course I didn't tell him the truth that I have been crying because I was overthinking that maybe he cancelled me just because of what happened, but I don't want to waste is time with my drama and I just told him that it's my normal face. I literally cried when I received the message from him checking up on me. It may be nothing for him, but it's definitely a big deal for me because I love Adriel. I tried to make our conversation lengthy, even though that's my main struggle as I am not a conversationist, it still didn't work maybe because it's not the right time yet. After our small talk, I felt so much better and I was able to laugh again. I may sound crazy and it may sound like a drama and unrealistic, but it's definitely the case. I was even smiling and being cozy with my teammates unlike my attitude when Adriel and I were not talking. I was so happy thinking that we would go back to our normal activity where we would take our lunch together and have an hour of conversation, then we would enjoy our coffees together .. But it didn't go that way. He's still distant from me even though he literally told me that it's fine with him.

Tomorrow, 03/14/2024, will be his last day here in our office. I will be giving him the parting gift I have for him. He once jokingly asked me if to give him the "Yayamanin Voltz", which is an accessory for his motorcycle. Of course I will give him what he asked because I know it would make him happy and all I want is him being happy. I'm going to put it in a golden box symbolizing me as I love gold color, and will give him my love and gratitude letter for he's the best thing that ever happened to me here in CNX.