Lover Boy

Chapter 1: Let me in

I wish I had.

I wish I had.

I wish I had...

Let you die.

The words Bray had said kept repeating in Lex's mind over and over again. It had been several hours since the guy had come to his room to give him a piece of his mind about what had happened at the beach. As if Lex didn't already feel like utter shit about it. Of course he knew he screwed up but it hadn't been on purpose, not this time. But that didn't seem to matter to anyone, certainly not their leader.

Lex stared blankly up at the ceiling. He'd regained consciousness from Ebony knocking him out a little while ago and ever since then he'd simply sat on his bed and nursed at a half empty bottle of whiskey.

Anything to help him dull the pain that he felt, both physical and emotional. How did he always manage to screw up so badly? He'd really meant to help out this time. He'd thought that, if he managed to untie the Chosen's boats that they wouldn't be able to get away with Trudy and Brady. Of course he hadn't anticipated some of them laying in hiding to ambush him...

And if Trudy hadn't decided to go with them voluntarily then maybe he really would be dead right now. No one would have saved him over her... No one cared enough and he knew logically that he only had himself to blame for that. It wasn't like he'd always been kind to most of the members of the Mall Rats but he'd been trying to be better... Ever since he'd had the virus.. And ever since he lost Zandra and his unborn child... It wasn't easy to break his old habits but he'd thought maybe he could finally do it.

He'd especially stopped going after Bray. Of course he still antagonised him somewhat but they'd actually been doing mostly alright. Ever since Hope Island and especially after what had happened on Eagle Mountain, Lex had felt that they had started somewhat of a friendship. But clearly Bray no longer saw it that way and somehow that hurt more than all of the others' anger towards him combined.

Lex sighed and took another big swig of the whiskey, letting the liquid burn down his throat, letting it dull his thoughts. The last thing he wanted was to analyse why Bray's newly ignited hatred of him bothered him so much. Maybe that's why he'd preferred a fist fight earlier instead of even trying to explain himself, maybe it was better if Bray hated him instead.

Lex's eyebrows narrowed into a frown and he set the bottle he was holding down onto the floor next to his bed before he drew his knees up to his chest. His vision was becoming blurry and for a moment he thought it was because of the alcohol but then he realised they were becoming misty from unshed tears. How fucking pathetic was he? Bray had been right earlier. Why was he even still here? Maybe he should have let himself be killed, it wasn't like anyone would have missed or mourned him.

Before he even knew it was happening the tears were flowing freely. He was letting out long and deep sobs and he couldn't stop it. He felt miserable and worthless and he was too tired to lash out. He hadn't cried like this in a long time, he'd built up these walls around him for so long now that he'd been sure nothing and no one would ever crack them again and now here he was...

All the people he had started to care about little by little hated his guts and the one he— if he was actually honest with himself for once— cared about the most out of all of them also despised him the most. Bray would never forgive him for what had happened... From this day forward all Lex would have were memories of those small moments in which they'd been okay.

His chest ached so badly and he had no idea what to do. Maybe he really should leave? But where would he even go? The mall... It was the first place he'd really started to call home, not only after the virus but pretty much in his whole life.