"I was so mad when I was younger," she said. "And then you grow up and think you're not that girl anymore. The girl you were at fifteen, sixteen. Angry and nasty. Hungry for love—" "I guess some girls are like that," Katie said. "But the thing is, you're always that girl," Hailey said, stepping out of the car. "She never goes away. She's inside you all the time. That girl is forever."
—Megan Abbott, You Will Know Me.
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I buried my teeth in everything good / and it didn't save me like I thought it would
Viewer Discretion Advised.
It's getting hot in the Outer Banks. We're all fucking feeling it.
Indiana Dixon is starting to black out. Again. It's that time of year. Bless that girl, and fuck her father. What is a home if not the first place you learn to run from? You've got to bite the hand that starves you, and in doing so, praise the place that birthed you. Birthed you fucked up. Birthed you ugly, and sweating, and interesting, and ready to scream. She will never leave North Carolina.
She's been running around with Rafe Cameron all summer. It seems the only thing people can say to her is, "Are you okay?" She isn't. Her big brother is in Dare County, but he hasn't left home. Jesse Dixon is eating dry rice and stale biscuits with a spork in a hideous orange outfit. When her sister leaves, it's only for a little while. She thinks Christie is her father's favorite. Sits still, looks pretty. She's in a cheap indie movie in Long Beach. It's even hotter there. Christie's always been good at putting on a show. And Indiana isn't okay. She knows she is different from her siblings, she knows her mother is different from theirs, her face. Indiana's mother had long blonde hair, she had a beautiful face and a beautiful brain, but she couldn't stay away from the rock. Jesse and Christie Dixon's mother is perfect. Lives on a suburb in Manhattan, deep dark eyes to match her children. Indiana clutches her heart every time she hears her brother and sister talking to their mother. Her sweet, soft, motherly voice. Indiana's siblings have a mother and a father. Indiana turns to Rafe's strong hands and strong words.
When Christie packs her bags for the month, Jesse and Indiana hold her at the airport the first time she leaves, Dad is nowhere to be found. They hug her and all three of them scream. She is free. But Indiana sits in her room dry heaving into her pillow. She sweats more than usual when Christie is gone. Dad yells more. Jesse cries and throws new plates at their father. They hit him, and shatter.
But Jesse isn't in the house anymore because of what he did to Rafe Cameron because of what Rafe Cameron did to his little sister. Rafe's father will do anything to protect their reputation. Especially if it means ruining other people's. Indiana still kisses Rafe after what happened. She thinks Jesse can tell what she's doing. Both Rafe and Jesse's hair has grown long. She almost throws up realizing it. They're more similar than they think. Bad daddy, long hair, the violence. She dreams of their faces morphing together.
