Raconteuse // Halsey

2

"When anxious, uneasy and bad thoughts come, I go to the sea, and the sea drowns them out with its great wide sounds, cleanses me with its noise, and imposes a rhythm upon everything in me that is bewildered and confused."

-Rainer Maria Rilke

The beach was always my mom's favorite place to be, as it is one of mine as well. I still miss it. The two of us would wait until sunset, and then walk down to the sand to take pictures. I haven't stepped foot on a beach ever since my parents and I moved to Boston, Massachusetts, seven years ago. I was twelve at the time. Don't get me wrong, I love it here, but sometimes I wish I could go back.

My mom is pretty much exactly who I've constantly wanted to be. Rebellious, opinionated, intelligent. She never failed to tell an intriguing story.

I knew that my reasoning for loving the beach was far from similar to my mother's. I wanted to escape, while she espoused its every wonder.

There was this one time, in the exhausting heat of the summer, that my mom and I took the ten minute stroll down to the ocean. It had been especially crowded that day. My six year old self was very curious about the ocean. After my mom finished setting up the umbrella, I sprinted to the water. It had been a few minutes, and everything was perfectly fine. The water wasn't as cold as usual. Although, before I knew it, a current had taken me far out into the ocean; Further than I had ever gone before. I was struggling to stay above water. My eyes scanned the shoreline for my mother, and I eventually spotted her. The odd thing was, she didn't look worried. She gave me a reassuring smile, and motioned with her hands to swim off to the side. I did as told, and in no time, I made it. The thing that I remember the most was the fact that my mom's smile never faded. She believed in my abilities to make it back.

That was the day that I knew my mother loved me.

The memories of the beach never seem to leave my mind. The salty air brushing against my skin always made me feel alive. Frigid water nipped at my toes, but I didn't mind not being able to feel my feet. The numbness worked its way up my entire body as I gradually walked out into the vast sea. Not a single distressing thought crossed my mind because all I could think of was wanting to go out further. I had always dreamt of disappearing into nothingness.