Manuel Katz
Tower Bridge
2019 March 23
Tower bridge in London is so beautiful and honestly, scary. I'm right here about to end my life. There are tons of cars passing by and nobody bothers to stop me. This was expected though, who's gonna save a model who was suicidal ever since the age of ten? Nobody.. I look at the water and it's quite unexplainable but the water has the right amount of disgusting smell and yet again a nice smell to it. The air is becoming more chilly, sending me goosebumps. The water is quite loud which annoys me, but I’m too afraid to look at the water, I don't feel ready but I thought, I'm ready. I don’t feel Fearless as I expected, I'm feeling more hesitant as I think about this horrible fucking plan. I want to end my life here immediately. I really fucking did.. But my body doesn’t let me. My mind instantly goes on and proceeds to think that I’m just faking to do this and I just want fucking attention. Fuck. What is my mind doing? I feel like I have no self-control in anything anymore. I feel like I can't think straight without any terrible and yet again hilarious thoughts getting thrown at me. My heart beats faster and I feel my body slowly warming up, my legs aren’t trembling anymore but my arms are shaking. I finally have control of my body after I snap out of my thoughts of anxiety. I slowly move my arm and quickly then position it somewhere else. I move my left foot up and slowly into the weird water so I could drown myself, then I step back. I'm feeling hesitant again and it annoys me. The cold railing before is now warm against my hand. I close my eyes slowly so my thoughts can run around again. I'm scared to do this but I'm ready as well. I want to do it but I can't. Why can't I do this? My legs are trembling again. Then suddenly runs over my trains of thought and I snap back to reality. He's shouting my name. My eyes are open but not wide, I can see everything, the beautiful buildings. The people on the other side, the water. Everything around me I could see with my eyes. I turn over nearly slipping off the high edge. Our gazes meet in an instant.
He was panting, sweating even. His eyes were wide and he was shaking slightly, reaching out for me. He had a simple brown vest with a light brown vest apron. It looks like a uniform, but I'm not familiar with what uniform it is. It made me quite uneasy to see his widening eyes. I kinda didn't want to see it anymore. I finally spoke with small stutters.
“Wha, what the fuck do you want?”
“I just wanna know if you’re okay.” He looked genuinely concerned about my feelings which made me completely surprised. Nobody ever looked at me this way, well. I think that's what he thinks. He looked like he noticed there was distress in my tone, making him Speak now.
“Are ya, afraid of me? Manuel?” His widening eyes from earlier seemed to ease and I felt myself in this feeling of my anxiety growing and disappearing at the same time every time I glanced at him. It was strange. The cold breezy air stopped but the water was getting louder. There are cars and motorcycles and vans speeding through us. A biker is watching us, he looks like he wants to help but has no courage. Lights shined bright onto him and I could see him clearly now. As if it was planned to be put there or something. Birds are annoyingly chirping at such a late hour and the breeze comes back. The air hits my hair, and now, my face. He looks at me with more worry. I'm not sure if it's about the hair on my face or the fact I'm about to end my life and nobody is doing anything besides him. He wipes his sweat off his forehead and looks into my eyes. What does this one want? He obviously has nothing to do with my life, with my health, and mental health. So why is he screaming for me? My guesses are; He wants an autograph, wants to take a picture with me, or is really bored. I look at him as I watch his mouth open up. And finally, he spoke.
“Look. My name is Noah Poet, and I’ve been through your position as well. Just, trust me You deserve to live. Ya know? It's hard I know but come on! Trust me! I believe you can.” I fucking cringe. No joke. I turn my head to say something but before I could he was gone. My eyes widened.
