Erotomania

Two

~•Carson•~

Ever since the death of my wife, I have never been the same. I became cold and numb because I lost all the light I needed to live. Then she came into my life. I lost my sun and she became my candle light. Except I didn't want a candle light.

It was either my sun or nothing. Thus candle light loved me tho. You could see the love and adoration in her eyes. You could see the profound admiration and the deep care she had for me. She was happy but I wasn't.

She took care of me, understood my pain, nursed me and didn't even complain at my lack of affection. All she wanted to know was that I loved her.

But I didn't. I hated her and what she stood for. She was too nice. Too happy. I was a man forever mourning the death of his lost wife and she was a distraction nothing more. But she fell in love and is trying to get me to forget my wife and move on.

My friends told me same too. They're all fake. They don't know what it's like to lose a wife. To lose someone you loved and cherished with all your heart. To lose your source of happiness. To lose everything that made you .

They say they want to help but the only keep telling me to forget about her. That's not help. I'm tired of pretending I love her. And I told her today and she got angry.

It's my feelings. Why does she think she has the right to be mad about it. I want the sunshine back not the candle light. It's either her or nothing.

Zephyr is a beautiful woman. But my Maria was a gorgeous woman. She was elegance personified. I worshipped the ground she stood on. She was a wild and adventurous spirit who always wanted to do something new.

Zephyr is a docile, and meek woman who can barely stand up for herself. Easily manipulated and naive to the world. She was a moth and I was flame and she was attracted. She was practically a doll to me. To use and dump how I wished.

I never felt anything for her. And if I did it was only lust. Nothing else. She was easy to manipulate. She thought she could fix everything in the world but failed to realise that not all broken thing can be fixed. Maybe if she was more like Maria I would like her.

This morning she came here and asked me to marry her. I had stared at her blankly for a few minutes and then said no. Her big doe eyes got watery as she asked why I wouldn't marry her.

That was the first time I felt something that's not lust for her. Pity. I felt pity for her as she broke down after I said I didn't love her and I would never marry her to replace my Maria.

She sobbed and told me she was leaving and dropped the ring on my tea table and left. She looked like a mess. A mess I created. I almost felt bad, but I remembered she wanted me to replace Maria with her.

"Maria's dead. Dead and gone and she's not coming back. Why won't you move on?" She whispered in contempt as she sobbed into her sleeves while I stared blankly at her.

"Don't you see that I love you? Hell I could even love you more than she d-" she chokes on her words as I pull her hands and start pushing her out of my house.

"Leave."I snapped, annoyed and angered by what she's saying. "I don't ever want to see your face again." She stopped crying and stared at me like she didn't understand what I was saying. "I would never love you" I finalised and slammed the door shut.

I've been standing in the middle of the kitchen with the ring box beside me for an hour since she left. Now I'm all alone again. No sunlight, no candle light.

And I feel regret now. She nursed me, took care of me, made sure I ate and to repay her I made her cry. I know I could've handled things better but I hated her thinking she could replace Maria.

And maybe she was right but I would never replace Maria. Maybe I needed to move on but it's hard I miss Maria. I loved her and there is no way I can love anybody like that again.

I know she thought we could be something and I thought so too but I would never replace Maria. I didn't love Zephyr but I could have pretended. All I had to do was act like I did. But rejecting her is better.

I know I hurt her feelings but pretending to love her would have damaged and broken her.