babaero

Chapter II

right where you left me

Help I'm still at the restaurant, still sitting in a corner I haunt.

Pagkatapos ng buong event umuwi na kami ni Cherise. Hinatid niya ako sa aking apartment and then went home.

I really can't stand them. How could I naman diba. It's been a year since we broke up but I still can't believe it. Nagmove on na ako. Isa pang gaslight sa sarili ko mababaliw na ako.

Ano ba ang meron siya na wala ako

Am I not enough

A minor?

Really?

Did I have to lose to someone younger than me?

Binigay ko naman ang lahat ah.

Kulang pa ba yon.

Binigay ko ang lahat.

I gave him every bits of me.

Every pieces.

I gave him everything and left nothing for myself.

He saw me through my lowest moments.

He lifted me up.

Saw me through my growth.

He made me grow.

He was my everything.

How could I move on?

The fights. Our compromises. The efforts we made. The promises. Our future.

Was I really not enough? But that's so unfair. How could he blind me with his light so much that I can't even see that he already let go? Hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala. Hinding hindi ako maniniwala. I couldn't even watch when he danced with that girl. That girl destroyed us. Kasalanan niya ang lahat. Kung hindi niya nilapitan si France, hindi mangyayari to.

I cried helplessly in the living room of my apartment kung saan buwan lang ang siyang pinagkukunan ng liwanag. Akala ko talaga nakamove on na ako pero hindi talaga. His smile. The smile he made for her took me back. To the times where he was there.

He was there for me making 12 hour trips just to see me whenever na nakila mama ako. Took care of my lola when she was bedridden. Made my sister happy when she was dealing with depression. Had my mama call him anak. Talked to my papa about business and even helped. Siya na laging hanap sa akin ng mga pinsan ko. Siya na lagi akong tinutulungan tuwing pinapahirapan kami ng prof namin. Siya na lagi akong pinapadalhan ng pagkain sa tuwinang nagcracrave ako. Kahit galing pa sa mindanao yung pagkain basta't mabilhan lang ako.

Please come back. Come back to me. I miss you. I don't care about her. Just please tell me I'm the only one in your heart. Tell me I'm enough. Tell me you still love me.

Ring

Doorbell? Is it him?

Dali dali akong tumayo at binuksan ang pinto para lang makita si Cherise na may dalang ice cream.

"Che" mahina kong tawag

"Shy" sabay yakap sa akin. I let her in. We both became a crying mess. She was always like this

I knew her since we were 10. Mas matanda siya sakin ng ilang buwan. Pero sa pagkakakilala ng tao sa amin mas mature ako. Parang hindi naman.

We watched movies and had girl talks til midnight. Chinika rin niya yung mga nangyari sa kanila ng boyfriend niya while also making sure na I'm comforted.

"Che, Thank you" sabi ko habang papikit na ang aking mga mata. Narinig ko naman syang mag-hum as a response.

Umaga na at wala na si Cherise. Sinundo na siguro siya ng ate niya. Gusto ko nalang humimlay at baka sakaling ika'y malimutan, eme. Tama na nga. Mag 2 years na nga sila oh. Stay strong nalang, mga snake —tapos mamaya breakdown uli yeheyy. Gago dito ay.

Afternoon classes lang ang meron ako today so I decided na magcacafe muna ako to destress. Nagready ako saglit at nag-ayos ng mukha. Lipbalm lang na mamaya di ko naman marereapply atsaka pulbo na mamaya wala na rin naman. Para fresh kahit saglit lang haha.

"Maganda ako." sabi ko sa sarili ko habang nakatingin sa salamin. Huy gaslight na naman si ate.

Kinuha ko laptop ko sabay alis na. Since magkukunwari lang naman ako mag-aral hindi na ako magdadala ng notebook. Para saan pa, diba? Baka madumihan lang notebook ko. Tama na ang laptop sabay kape pangclout chase. Mageeffort pa akong magsulat eh hindi ko rin naman babasahin kaya wag nalang.

Dami pang sinabi tamo mamaya mabubunggo to ng sasakyan.

Coping mechanism: Barahin ang sarili

Caption ko pala yun mamaya sa thirst trap ko sa tt. Ano kayang magandang sound? Hmm Selos kaya by Shaira hahaha— tanga ka kasi.

Maitweet pala,

"at 'di ko alam bakit ba nagkakagan'to"

Nakarating na rin ako sa cafe. Ako'y agad na umorder ng aking inumin at kakainin. Noong pagkadating naman ng pagkain ko ay akin itong pinicturan at pinost sa ig.

Peace.

Kala mo naman talaga eh noh. Pagkatapos kong humigop ng isa sa aking kape ay nagscroll na lamang ako tt. Nung nabored ako tiningnan ko na lamang dms ko. Usually laman lang ng dms ko ay yung mga nagpapaloyal test which I don't accept naman. Since strictly people I know lang talaga ang kinukuha ko. Mahirap na baka mamaya sabunutan ako bigla bigla. I post some of it pa naman pero all of them are with consent.

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Yun na nga eh di ako tumatanggap ng mga hindi ko kilala so why am I now accepting shits from strangers. It's been like two hours, I'm still at the cafe and I've been accepting people's request like crazy. Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit. Like I didn't even think that it was possible to already ruin one relationship in an hour. Tapos coincidentally, puro online pa mga pinapachat. God is giving me signs talaga na wag na akong magboyfriend at maging anti-cupid nalang.

I was going to my classes kaya I packed my things and left. Not forgetting to update the people who requested and the guys that I was chatting per request. Syempre para hooked sila, may bayad kaya yun.

After class, I spent the whole evening destroying relationships with just my thumbs. For a moment, I felt like cupid but even stronger than him. When I felt like I was done there was always someone making another request.

It was like this from days to ends for two months. After class, I would accept requests. From boyfriends to suitor, their loyalty was tested.

It was from a mother. Pinakinggan ko story niya at habang nakikinig ako, I never felt so bad and lucky that I haven't married that bastard.

She was strong at sobrang hirap non. May anak na pati silang dalawa. A very cute girl. Habang nagkwekwento si ate, binibigayan niya pa rin ng benefit of the doubt yung asawa niya. I felt pity but pity coming from me is just pathetic. I can't afford to pity others when I'm in this state.

With the go signal from her, I immediately sent him a message request.

************

you up?
Seen

Typing...

I still don't know the whole thing but men really are shit.