48 Things To Do At A Mall

*Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pool.

*Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.

*Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack.

*Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.

*At the bottom of an escalator, scream, “My shoelaces! Augh!”

*Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.

*Teach pets store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsellable.

*Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King... ...but save a few to slurp on as snacks.

* Tell people that they’re “astronaut food.” Follow patrons of B. Dalton’s around while reading aloud from Dianetics.

* Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.

*Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white and insist that it’s a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, “You mean you really can’t see it?”

*Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.

*Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.

*Test mattressesin your pajamas.

* Ask the tobacconist if his hovercraft is full of eels.

*If you’re patient, start intently into a surveillance camerafor an hour while rocking from side to side.

* Sprint up the down escalator.

* Stare at the static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the “hidden picture.”

* Ask an appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.

* Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

*Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

*Try on bras over top of your clothes.

* Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms.

*While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible, “I smell sex and candy.”

*Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, “I think we’ve got a Code 3 in housewares,” and see what happens.

*Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn then all off and turn the volumes to 10.

*Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

*Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit. Test the fishing rods and see what you can “catch” from the other aisles.

*Put M&Ms on layaway.

*Move “Caution: Wet Floor” signs to carpeted areas.

* Set up a tent in the campingdepartment; tell others you’ll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

* Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

*Nonchalantly “test” the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

*When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, “Why won’t you people just leave me alone?”

* Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

*Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battle field with G. I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

*Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

*While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

*Switch the men’s and women’s signs on the doors of the restrooms.

*Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from “Mission Impossible.”

*Set up a “Valet Parking” sign in front of the store.

* In the auto department, practice your Madonna look with various funnels.

*Hide in the clothing racks and when the people browse through, say things like “Pick me, pick me!” and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them.

*When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, “No, no! It’s those voices again!”

* Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.

* Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax.

* If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don’t get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.