"Hello love, how are you..??" is what i've been dying to tell him but all i can utter is "It's good to see you." One or perhaps two, maybe three.... I don't even know how long have i not met you and its funny how after all those years of not being able to share the same air and room with you, the effect you have on me has always been good as new.
It's also silly how i have such thoughts like I don't deserve to get a glimpse of you (it's true) but you see, I've always been selfish that no matter how much i hurt you i'm still holding on to my greed and come see you, I JUST HAVE TO.
You don't want to be around me, i get that and i can see how awkward my presence makes you feel, I apologize for that too.. But i am also still hoping that maybe i can finally say goodbye to you, properly just like how i'm supposed to do and i have no excuse for the long overdue, It's just that I AM NOT READY TO LET GO OF YOU.
Yedami....
I wish you the best, I really do.
You might not know but i'd rather you not care that i still ask about you, how, where,when and what you've been up to..? I'm still curious who stay to eat with you, where you go to, when do you sleep..?? and just everything that you do.... Hoping you're not stuck in your room or studio by yourself like you used to.
Also i've seen all the Variety shows you've been to or even the events you were invited to, I am so proud of you....
It's silly but even those clips of you being forced to do Aegyo or just you smiling, giggling and humming.... I repeated all of it too, And everytime, i find myself smiling, I am so happy for you.
Yedami,ani.... Sunbae, i'm cheering for you, silently i still do....
I know I don't have the right to ask you this, but could you please find it in your heart to forgive me for all my sins and the pain i've caused you..?? I won't expect for anything more, It doesn't have to be now.... I understand, Even i can't forgive myself but as long as you're doing great and i know you're doing well without me.
Its me, i know, i'm fully aware....
I'm the problem....
I just couldn't accept it, I feared that you're better off without me and i'm still dreading it, cuz it's true.. I'm the one who couldn't be without you, I'm barely living without you....
I can't undo the thing's i've done and the things I didn't do for you, I'm regretting them one by one.. You're so brave for standing up for yourself but i wasn't there to hold your hand, I'm sorry.
When everyone turned their back on you i wasn't there to support you, I'm sorry.
When you decided to leave for good, I left and turned my back cuz i couldn't bare and accept it, I'm sorry.
When you reached out and apologized even if you don't have to, i ignored all your calls and left your messages unread, I'm sorry.
I was reckless and i've been restless, In all these years of your absence I haven't been sleeping properly, I just worked myself out until i pass out, It doesn't matter if i bleed myself dry overdoing everything, if I don't i would end up thinking of you, I really just love you and i am so sorry for that too....
It doesn't make up for all the bad things i did to you and no amount of my apologies and sorry's can bring back the time when there's just me and you.
Your smile, the sound of your laughter ang giggles....
I'm sorry for taking that away from you.
I'm sorry....
There's this song, the song you wrote.. The one you showed Yoshi hyung for the very first time on TMAP and again, i know i don't have the right to feel this way but I'M JEALOUS.... SO VERY JEALOUS.... I still am, i still do, I'm sorry.
I just couldn't accept defeat thinking, That should be me, Instead of him, that should've been me.... I am aware of our circumstances, Like we couldn't be together in one frame, We couldn't be seen together nor we couldn't be with each other unattended, like kids who'll cause troubles if left alone just the two of us, Those times where we can only share a meal together if at least we're 10 people apart. I HATED ALL THAT.
You were mistreated by everybody including me but you remained nice and warm to everyone....
You suffered more than anyone else and you suffered silently on your own, you never showed superiority, never once(d) you ever complained, Always so understanding, I resented you a little for that, You're so tough, you're so strong, You only choose to see the goodness in everyone and i don't know how you do that, But all those things are just a little fragments of the million reasons why i adore and admire you....
I couldn't find the right and proper words to express how i feel for you, There's just not enough i love you's for the way i loved you.
There's just not enough apologies to make you believe i'm sorry....
This lifetime is never enough for us to be sharing an eternity but i do hope even just for once, Eversince the day you first met me, there's a moment that i truly made you happy, just once.... You truly felt my sincerity....
Love,
Haruto
Yedam immediately closed the journal, He's shaking.... trembling, tremendously.... Tears started swelling up and cascaded down his cheeks rapidly.... There's indescribable pain right though his chest as if somebody pierced it deeply.... Its been more than an hour since he received the letter, That very journal where he used to write songs and lyrics during his trainee years, The journal where he poured all his heart out to tell stories about his eventful teenage years that are mostly filled with his thoughts and feelings for Haruto. The very same journal where it all started, now they just have to END.IT
DISCLAIMER: this ONESHOT is made for HARUDAMI family who wanted some ANGST, y'all know who y'all are LOL, and its lacking substance cuz i winged it during meeting trying to fight back sleepiness, OK BYE....
