Thoughts

1

Sometimes I wonder if life's pointless.
Working day and night
Working every minute every second?
Is it worthless?
Does it even have a point?
I am sixteen years old and burnt out like a 60 year old
And everytime I ask myself if there even is a point in continuing
Is there?
Or am I just telling myself it gets better?
It will be better when the spring comes.
It will be better in the summer
It will be better in the autumn
Everything will be right on Christmas.
I will be fine once I am 13
Then when I am 14
Then when I am 15 and then when I am 16.
And then it will be better the minute I turn seventeen.
But the truth is, I am not living.
I am just surviving.
And everyday, every hour, every minute, every second I tell myself I am going to be fine.
Someday I tell myself just after graduation everything will be good.
But then I want to study in university and everyone keeps telling me that this is even more difficult.
And then I am just a little kid again lying in bed while my parents are fighting, wondering if life is suppose to be this lonely.
Maybe if I had a sibling it would be better?
Maybe if I just had someone I would be better.
I had someone. But then I lost him. Death is a silly concept.
Why fight for life when we all die.
Why fight for more and more if we are just existing.
Why does this system want me to work until I drop dead?
Maybe if I just had someone to talk to?
Just a pet I could talk to. Just someone who is here. Someone who is there for me.
Just someone.
Maybe then this feeling of utterly loneliness is going away.
One time I am lazy.
The next time I am incompetent.
The next time I can't do anything.
Then the phone takes all the blame.
But then when it's dark outside I am just tired of life.
But it isn't supposed to be like this right?
I should be happy.
I should have fun?
But how is it possible if I fear asking for even leaving the house?
They won't say yes if I go out more than one time in a month.
Then I am too much work to drive around.
Then I am sitting at home. Feeling lonely again for missing out.
But i am just a shy little naive girl who doesn't know anything about life.
What do I know?
People think I am perfect.
With the perfect family. All the attention on me.
Sometimes I wonder if people really think that's true. A facade of a perfect happy girl.
I don't even know what happy means.
I never met a person I wanted to spend my whole time with.
Boys don't talk to me. Maybe I am pretty like everyone says but just not boy pretty.
I am never the kind of girl the talk to. It's always my friends.
It's not my fault I can't be perfect like one of my best friends.
Is it?
I just want to meet someone who is interested in my person.
Someone who likes me for me.
Someone I worship
Someone who might even love me.
Someone who can hug me. Without me having a fight in my head as I don't like physical touch.
But people don't get that I don't want to be touched. The just continue when I back up.
I hate the feeling of a hand on my shoulder saying everything will be good.
What does this person even know? Nothing will be good. I have nobody. I will die alone.
Sometimes I wonder why not die?
But I am not ready for That. I don't even hurt myself. I don't want to hurt even more than I do now. I am not the kind of person who kills themself. I just go on.
But there is something in me that tells me not to give up just yet and fight for my fairytale ending.
But do fairytale endings even exist for me?