Cry for Amir

Finale

At this point, I thought my tears would have finished by now. I have never been this confused in my life. If this was a movie, I would beg the director to end it because I can't take it anymore.
On one hand, I should be happy Amir is alive, but hearing that Maryam is dead still feels surreal.
Déjà vu holding a journal of a dead friend. Of course I won't let the same thing happen to me twice. I had to see her for myself. I stepped out of my room. Amir was sitting on the sofa. I asked; when did she die. How did she die ?
Amir; well yesterday I think....
Kausar; where is she, her body. Where is it?
Amir; the morgue
Kausar; take me to her now !!!
Amir; right now ? I don't think....
Kausar; take me to her. I need to see for myself. I can't touch that journal till I confirm this is all real.
Amir; about the journals I.......
Kausar; save it Amir, just take me to Maryam.

We arrived at the morgue and my legs got heavy. I couldn't get out of the car. I know this is what I wanted (to see her) but not like this. I didn't want to see my friend lifeless and ready to be put in the ground.
Amir; I'm sorry, I'm sorry for everything, I'm sorry that I left like that....
Kausar; *scoffs* left like that ? Amir, you faked your death, there are a funeral, people were sad, and then you leave me with journals telling me how depressed you were, and you couldn't talk to me about it because apparently, we are not as close as I thought. Do you know how awful that made me feel ? like a friend that couldn't be confided in. Then you tell me that at some point in our friendship you had feelings for me, but never had it in you to tell me. So let's hear it, cause why? Why make me think you were dead when you were not? Why give me all the medals and pictures of us, because you clearly had intentions of staying dead. so why ? Why are you here
Amir; Kausar...
Kausar; no, I legitimately want to hear your reason so talk, cause this is the only chance you will get.
Amir; they was  an accident and someone died, but it wasn't me. What happened needed to be done.
Kausar; what does that mean" what happened needed to be done?"
Amir; I was driving under the influence and I hit someone, so my parents thought it would be better....
Kausar; oh my god, it's OK. Amir stepped out of the car.
Amir; could you just please wait?
Kausar; don't fucking touch me Amir. Oh my days I nearly  killed myself and ask for an explanation and you think it's time to play "blame it on mummy and daddy"
Amir; I'm sorry, but that's the truth, my life was going to be over, I was going to go to prison for vehicular manslaughter. Would you have been happier seeing me in prison or seeing me now?
Kausar; me ? *scoffs* you are dead to me. You gave me Maryam's journal, you did your delivery job well. Now you can go back to being dead or isn't that what you wanted ?
Amir; Kausar I...

I stepped out of the car to go see Maryam's body, hoping it wasn't her, hoping it was a mistaken identity, but that hope was shattered when I saw the body, knowing without doubt it was Maryam. I rushed out in tears asking Amir to take me home.
Getting home, I felt sick to my stomach having seen a dead body, not just any dead body but Maryam's, so I went straight to the toilet to throw up, then I remembered I hadn't eaten all day. I went into my room and told Amir to have a nice life as I shut the door With only one thing on my mind, to read Maryam's journal, to see what could have made Amir come back from the dead.

I had a choice to make, read Maryam's journal and reveal all the horror it had in it or not to read and preserve all of her good memories and moments, but deep down I was just scared. We are all human, and we make mistakes. This wasn't I maryam's first abortion and I knew the journal was going to reveal some secrets of maryam's that were better left untold. So I decided to go with the latter.

I stepped out of my room knowing I had to say goodbye to Amir because whether I liked it or not, he couldn't stay, happy he was alive but devastated he was leaving.
I gave him a long hug as the only thing I wanted was for him to be happy and safe as I couldn't tell anyone he was alive.