THE TORTURED POETS DEPARTMENT

c𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝟷 - t𝚑𝚎 m𝚊𝚗𝚞𝚜𝚌𝚛𝚒𝚙𝚝

Manuscript: a handwritten document, book or music, an authors text that have not yet been published. 

"I love you its ruining my life." 

stage of grief: denial. 

𓍢𓍢ִ໋🖋️*֒⋆.𖥔 ݁ ˖ ⊹₊ ⋆📖

"I'm in the wind, your in the water"

"nobody's son, nobody's daughter"

As I stood in the kitchen, chopping vegetables and singing along to Lana Del Rey's haunting melodies, the lyrics seemed to echo the turmoil in my heart. Each word carried a weight, a reminder of the emptiness that seemed to consume me in his absence.

But I knew I had to snap back to reality, to remind myself that he hadn't hugged me without doing it on his own since 2018. The memory of his arms around me felt like a distant dream, a faint echo of a time long gone.

Yet, despite my efforts to stay grounded, his image persisted in my mind – his piercing blue eyes, his golden blonde hair tousled in the wind. The mere thought of him was enough to send a pang of longing through my chest.

Setting down the knife, I reached for a napkin, my thoughts swirling with conflicting emotions.

 "I could still melt your world," the lyrics taunted me, but I couldn't bring myself to believe it. Not when he was no longer a part of my life.

Crossing out the lyric, I felt a sense of relief, as if shedding a layer of pretense that had weighed me down. But as the lyrics of "Carmen" filled the kitchen, I couldn't help but question myself once again.

"Carmen, Carmen, doesn't have a problem lying to herself because her liquors top shelf."

Was I lying to myself? Was I pretending that everything was okay when it clearly wasn't?

Staring down at the napkin, I felt a surge of frustration and sadness wash over me. I wanted to write down all the terrible words swirling in my head, to confront the truth head-on. But in the end, I couldn't bring myself to do it.

With a heavy sigh, I returned to chopping vegetables and singing Lana Del Rey songs, the music offering a temporary respite from the turmoil within.

𓍢𓍢ִ໋🖋️*֒⋆.𖥔 ݁ ˖ ⊹₊ ⋆📖

As I sat on the couch, the glow of the television casting a soft light in the room, my mind drifted away from the show playing in the background. Instead, it was consumed by thoughts of the earlier encounter, the weight of unspoken words lingering heavy in the air.

The lyrics I had been contemplating earlier continued to swirl around in my head, each line a reflection of the turmoil I felt within. Despite the distraction of the TV show, I couldn't shake the feeling that my mind was elsewhere, trapped in a maze of conflicting emotions.

Deep down, I knew that I had mentally checked out of the relationship long ago. The spark that once ignited our love had dimmed, leaving behind only embers of what once was. Yet, despite knowing this, I couldn't bring myself to let go completely.

He had almost left, a fleeting moment of uncertainty that had threatened to tear us apart. And yet, he had returned, his presence a bittersweet reminder of the love we once shared. In that moment, I had felt a surge of conflicting emotions, a mix of relief and regret swirling within me.