Let Down

Pulled into the office,
End of year meeting.
Hundreds of trophies,
Lining the walls.
Used to be motivation.
Why does it fill me with dread?

Two years of injuries,
Stress fractures, plantar fasciitis,
Strained hamstring.
Ice baths, rehab,
Nine hours of sleep.
Why was I so fragile?

I listened to coach.
Why not?
He was the best,
worked with top athletes.
That's what I was striving for.
Cut your carbs, more protein, no sugar.
(But I'm an endurance athlete)
The dreaded "fat" talk.
He knows what he is talking about?

Restricting at 17 years old
Goal, be as small as possible.
Fasting as long as I could,
eating very little.
Smaller equals faster,
Right?

My lowest weight-
Hip bones protruding,
Ribs sticking out,
Legs barely rubbed together.
I cried.
Maybe if I become smaller,
I will be worthy?

Can't stay healthy.
New injuries causing
Depression and anxiety.
Isolating me further.
Body starving
Motivation and dreams
Being eaten away by the hunger
I refused to fill.
Can I restrict more?

No energy.
Collapsing.
After an easy run,
Drenched in sweat.
Unable to see,
spots in my vision
Can't recover.
Legs feel like lead.
So.... heavy....
Running 85 miles a week,
Do I really belong on this team?

Coach equals trustworthy.
That wasn't true.
You stole my confidence.
How many others?
Two years earlier,
You said,
I could make an impact,
Be All American
We would win a national title.
Where the fuck is my trophy?