Shoot me down

chapter 9

Beca paced up and down her dorm room, tapping her phone against her hand. She had left the hospital first thing in the morning so as she could get to her Philosophy class, which she hadn't been able to focus in whatsoever. Now she was back in her dorm, waiting for a phone call from Chloe to say that she had got back home okay. "Can you stop pacing? It's really annoying," Kimmy Jin said, and Beca rolled her eyes before picking up her coat and leaving. She walked around campus to clear her head, but it didn't work. Unable to take it anymore, she scrolled down the contacts on her phone and pressed Chloe's name.

Eventually she picked up, and Beca tried to act calm as she said, "Hey, are you home yet?" Chloe stuttered through her reply, "Erm... yeah I am. I'm okay though... Don't come over... I just want to relax for a bit..." Unconvinced but not wanting to smother her girlfriend, Beca accepted and Chloe agreed to text if she needed anything. Not knowing what else to do with her time, Beca headed over to the radio station to be left alone with her thoughts as she stacked CD's.

After two hours of stacking, her mind was still on the subject of Chloe Beale. She kept on playing over their earlier conversation in her mind, trying to think of how Chloe sounded; what tone she used; what words she stuttered on. Giving up, she left the radio station and wandered back to her dorm as night began to fall. She groaned as she walked in to see Kimmy Jin and her 'study group' spreading their work across both of the beds in the room. "Can you tell your friends to leave? I want to sleep," Beca said flatly. She was answered with silence and angry stares from everyone in the room. Sensing that her presence was more than unwelcome, she turned on her heels and retreated back outside.

Trying to figure out what to do with her time, she wandered across the pavement and bumped into Aubrey. "Hey! How's Chloe?" she asked eagerly. Aubrey looked full of confusion and furrowed her eyebrows as she looked at Beca. "She told me she was meeting you back the apartment. She text me telling me to meet up with Brad tonight as you wanted the apartment to yourselves. I thought you'd be there by now, are you running late?" Beca nodded before sprinting off towards the apartment. She checked her phone to see if Chloe genuinely had text her inviting her round, but her inbox was empty.

Out of breath she reached the door to Chloe's apartment and banged her fist against it three times. "Chloe are you there? It's Beca, open up!" she called out, her mind running through all the possibilities of things that could have happened. Suddenly the door swung open, and standing in the doorway was a very drunk Chloe holding a half-empty bottle of Jack Daniels. She walked into the apartment and Beca followed. Only when they reached the living room did Beca notice the dark bruise under Chloe's left eye. "What happened?" she asked with a soft voice. Taking another swig of the strong whiskey Chloe said, "I don't exactly know, and I don't care." Beca reached for the bottle and attempted to wrestle it out of her drunken hands. "No!" Chloe cried, "Let me drink it!"

Finally Beca managed to pull the bottle from her grasp, and tipped the contents down the sink. Chloe began crying and shouting, "Why did you do that?! It helps me forget! Why won't you let me forget what he does to me?!" Beca walked back over to her girlfriend and grabbed her by the wrists. Before she could talk some sense into Chloe, the flame-haired girl pulled away and stormed to the bathroom. Not wanting to let her out of her sight, Beca followed only to have the door slammed in her face. She pressed her ear against the door and listened intently to try and figure out what Chloe was doing. A cabinet opened, and she heard Chloe fumbling with something rattling in her hands. Suddenly panicking with the realisation of what the rattling noise was, Beca rammed her body against the door and tried to break it down.

Eventually after several tries, the weak lock gave way and Beca stumbled into the bathroom. Just as she expected, Chloe stood there crying and trying to open a bottle of tablets. "Leave me alone!" she cried as Beca tried to take them away from her trembling hands. Beca succeeded and threw the bottle out of the room, and before Chloe could run after it she slammed the door shut and blocked the way. "You did it!" Chloe screamed, "You slit your wrist! You tried to end it, so why won't you let me!" Her words really hit a nerve, and knowing exactly how Chloe felt Beca threw her arms around her and refused to let go.

Chloe shook and sobbed violently in her arms, but eventually she stilled and her body went limp. Beca eased them both onto the floor but still didn't let go. They sat leaning against the bathtub with Chloe resting her head on Beca's shoulder, encased in her girlfriend's arms. Beca began to softly caress her hair and said, "I know how you feel. But this isn't you right now: you're hurting and drunk and not thinking straight." They sat there in silence for a few minutes, and then Chloe lurched forwards and threw up into the toilet. Beca grabbed her hair and combed it away from her face, and made circles on her back with her other hand.

When Chloe seemed to be finished, Beca grabbed some toilet roll and wiped her mouth. Slowly, Chloe stood up and picked up a bottle of mouthwash. She gargled a mouthful and spat it out in the sink, and Beca noticed her begin to sway again. Before she had a chance to fall, Beca guided her back to the floor and figured it would be a while before they left that spot. The bathroom tiles were freezing cold and Chloe was shivering, but she wasn't in a fit state to be moved. Improvising, Beca pulled a towel off the radiator and draped it over both of them. Chloe began to slip down to a lying position, and not wanting to leave her for one moment Beca lay next to her, accepting the reality that they would more than likely be spending the night there. Her body cocooned around Chloe's, and from behind she wrapped her arms around Chloe's waist in attempts to keep her warm as her eyes drifted shut.

Several hours later, Chloe woke with a killer headache and blurry memories of the night before. She stood up, waking Beca, and went over to the sink to brush the taste of shame out of her mouth. As she finished Beca stood up and wandered over to her side. "How you feeling?" she asked, and got her answer when Chloe merely held her head in pain. She remembered getting drunk... and then throwing up... and then falling asleep on the bathroom floor next to Beca. Her head pounded as she walked to the cabinet, and she moaned when the painkillers were missing. She wandered out the door followed by Beca when she noticed the bottle of painkillers lying on the floor outside the bathroom.

All of a sudden she remembered why they were out there; why Beca had to fight them off her and throw them away. She spun round and looked at Beca with a mixture of emotions. "Oh my god... I..." she said, unable to string a sentence together but Beca nodded, knowing what she meant. "I'm so sorry," Chloe said, unsure what else to say. Beca pulled her into a hug and broke down. "I hated seeing you like that. I hated seeing you giving up," she cried into Chloe's shoulder. "You can't see him again. I mean it this time. We'll sort something out – I don't know what, but you can't see him ever again." Chloe nodded, feeling waves of guilt flood her veins when she saw how her actions the previous night affected Beca.

They walked over to the sofa with two cups of coffee and placed the mugs on the side table before sinking into the seats. Chloe sat down, and Beca lay on the sofa and placed her head on Chloe's lap. She began to play with the brunette's hair and asked, "Are you mad at me?" Beca shook her head and replied, "Why the heck would I be mad at you?"

"Because when you tried to... you know... It came from a very real place and you were really hurting whereas I was just drunk and upset. I thought that might annoy you."

"It doesn't matter whether you were drunk or not – you were hurting just as much as I was. You were hurting for different reasons, but hurting nonetheless. The alcohol made you not think clearly, but that doesn't make me annoyed. It makes me want to look after you and help you get through this."

Chloe gave a weak smile, and Beca knew she would have to do something more to convince her that she wasn't annoyed. She put her hand on Chloe's chest, and instructed Chloe to do the same. Tentatively Chloe placed her hand on Beca's chest, and listened as the smaller girl explained, "You feel that? I can feel your heartbeat, and you can feel mine. Let's keep it that way." Chloe finally smiled, and then leant down placing a firm kiss on Beca's lips. "I don't know what I'd do without you," she said.

"Ditto," Beca replied, "Which is why we both have to stay alive for each other."