𝐛𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐡𝐞 ★ leah williamson

19 - deal with it

It seemed kind of miraculously - the way I had managed to drag myself to the next training. The fact that we had been granted yesterday off was one that I was beyond grateful for - it felt like fate, almost, that I had more then only a few hours to realize the extent of my mistake, and by the time I pulled my hair into a loose bun the next morning, I felt almost grateful for the fact that I got to play football again, even though I knew that feeling would likely leave me the second I laid eyes on Leah.

I hadn't cried any more - I hadn't allowed myself to. Papa had always told me, you can cry over a loss when you've given absolutely everything and it didn't work, and you can cry over a win when you've given everything and it did work. This... This was somewhere in between a loss and a win, but one thing was for certain - I hadn't given everything. Had I been a little less focused on myself, I would've noticed what was going on between Leah and I a lot earlier, and I would've been able to put a stop to her feelings before everything had spiraled. I hadn't given everything. I didn't deserve to cry.

Still, the shadows beneath my eyes told a tale of what I had been going through for the past day and a half. Not even Magnus' consistent purring had lulled me into sleep, and I had spent the nights staring at the ceiling and rummaging through my head, trying to find answers as to what I had done.

It hadn't been successful, but it had given me a headache. So, Viv eyed me curiously as I swallowed a Paracetamol, all the way from the driver's seat of her own car. I waved at her from my little Fiat, and she waved back reluctantly.

"Are you okay?", she asked as I closed my door, walking over towards the trunk to pick out my bag.

"Yeah, just a headache", I smiled, but it didn't reach my eyes. Viv seemed to notice, raising her eyebrow at me, but she didn't say anything as we slowly walked towards the entrance of the training centre. What happened now was the opposite to everything I had experienced over the past few months - every fibre of my body was pulling me away from the door, back to my car, urging me to just drive home. I didn't want to be anywhere near Leah, not after what I'd done to her.

"Are you sure you're alright?", Viv asked as she held the door open, eyeing me curiously. I nodded, humming, and the Dutch woman beside me fell silent again as I followed her through the corridors reluctantly.

I stopped just outside the changing rooms, for the tiniest instance. I wanted to run away. I wanted to go back to Hamburg, sneak into my childhood room and cover myself with a blanket. I didn't want to be here anymore.

You don't have a choice, Ellie. You did this. Deal with the consequences.

I huffed, shaking my arms shortly before pushing the door open, once more ignoring Viv's eyes on mine.

Leah was standing all the way over with Steph and Jen, far away from where we usually sat next to each other, engaged in a conversation. The room was quite crowded as most of the girls were changing, but she was already done, the clothes neatly folded in her cubby and her space squeaky clean, as if she'd never sat there in the first place. The other side of my locker was empty as well. Beth had sat there before. I didn't allow myself to follow my thoughts as I followed Viv towards our area of the locker room, going through my motions almost mechanically.

You did this. Deal with the consequences.

I pulled my shirt on without glancing Leah's way again, tucking it into my shorts, shoving my trainers' off and pushing my feet into my boots, tying my laces, redoing my bun. I didn't look at Leah.

Deal with the consequences.

"How's Beth?"

My head whipped up at that, her familiar voice hitting me like a dagger into the chest.