Guilty Conscience

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How can I describe him to you? No matter how many sneak peaks
I take, I can never find a flaw on him. His skin, I could tell, was smooth and hairless. I never liked hairy guys. His hair was cut short, but it still glistened in the light. I couldn't see his eyes real well because he was looking forward. Then all of a sudden he jerks his head my way. "Can you share your book with me for today?" He so kindly asked. I was still admiring his fatial features that I hardly realized my hands moving and placing the textbook in the spot were our desks connected. He thanked me and again
looked forward.

I finally decided to focus on the subject of today. I raised my head and the three questions of the day were written on the smartboard: What is romanticism? What is realism? What is impressionism?
The first question would go to the first row while the second question would go to the second row and we would get the third question. "Romanticisim is artwork that usually
contains small human figures in a natural setting," Katie said. She was right and so the teacher nodded in approvel and waited for the next row to answer the second question. All of
a sudden a guy that I haven't even recoginzed all year shouted out the answer. "Realism is artwork that are about workers." Again the teacher nodded his head, but also gave a small laugh. Then came our row. I knew the answer.
Impressionism is artwork where the artist doesn't mix the paint together to let our own brain accomplish that. I knew the answer, but it wasn't easy to say out loud in front of the class. Finally, after what seemed like a thousand years, Katie shouted out the answer even though she wasn't in our row. Mr. Fason told us to study more and then clapped his
hands together and repeated all three answers that were just said.
I can't believe this! I hated seeing Katie taking the glory, but I swear it was like my mouth was shut closed. I couldn't say something even if I wanted to.
After that I stopped caring about the time that we had left in World History. Coming from a person that never took a social studies class before high school, this class was pretty interesting. There is just one person in everybody's life that just annoys the fun out of you and for me that was Katie. Even pretty boy here couldn't make me feel better.
Sitting next to him made me feel inferior. Like I was an intruder and yet I was here first. The rest of the day went pretty much like it always has.
First I say that today I'll do something great. Then I realize that's not true and just suck it up until the final bell rings. I couldn't speak because I felt that everybody would judge me. I mean look at me. At first I thought I was just shy, but that's not true. I felt embarrassed of who I am. Well, actually, it was how I dressed. It made me feel different. I'm Muslim. I love Islam, don't get me wrong, but it's really hard coming into a country that doesn't have the same values as I do. Every where I go I see girls wearing booty shorts and guys sagging their jeans. Everybody acts so stupid that I sometimes wonder where their brains at. However, the first time I felt insecure was last year when I was a sophmore.
I would go shopping, but half the products were either too short, too open or just too ugly. You just can never find a decent skirt around here.
Anyways, I was just walking down our school hallway like I always do, but out of no where it hit me: my life would be so different if I wasn't me. I still wouldn't do drugs or drink or get a tattoo, but life would be different. I kept thinking about it for quite sometime until I met my friend Allison. Surprisingly she was a Christian. Surprising because she was
the one that made me love Islam even more. She was a devout Christian and so she wanted me to become one
too. Yeah it would have been easier, but that's not the point of religion.
Since she started asking me so many questions about my religion(well questions that were actually statments to her). I decided to create a document on google drive and share it with her. I didn't create it because I felt unsure about my own religion, but rather to prove to Allison that Islam is the one true religion. When I had created the document I decided to be as open minded as a person could be and listen to what she had to say. The first question was by me. I asked her to describe to me the trinity and why it was needed. I was truly curious, but the answer she gave me was a bit confusing. She gave an example of a fire. The light given off by the flame is Jesus. The flames are the father and the heat is the holy spirit. However the flame, light and heat are all apart of the flame and so are all one. So, I typed back, why is the trinity needed? She said that God works in mysterious ways and that she doesn't know. She said that Jesus was sent where to go through exactly what we go through and be close to us. The Father is God and the holy spirit is a spiritual link between us and God.
I never studied Christianity before so I asked the many questions that were on my mind. Why do Christians eat pork even though it said in the bible pork shouldn't be eaten? If Jesus died on the cross for our sins then why are there still sins? And what sins did we make? And is it true that we are all born sinners?
I asked her so many more questions until the time I decided that she should learn Islam from a Muslim. Not from the media. I asked her what do you think of Islam? She didn't quite understand what I meant by that so I asked her, what do you know about Islam? She wrote things like: Muslim men beat their wives and can have at least four wives. However, the women have to cover themselves where as the mean can flaunt their hair.

I was actually shocked. I thought she knew nothing about Islam, but it seems that not only does she know nothing about it, she actually thinks that's what the religion of Islam teaches. I explained to her that there are some Muslim men that beat their wives, but it's not because Islam teaches us too, but rather Islam gave women great honor and respect. Also in the Quran it is stated that heaven is underneath a mother's feet. Some men in the world beat their wives, but they could be Hindu, Buddist, Atheist, or even Christian. I also explained to her that it is forbidden for a Muslim man to have at most four wives unless he has enough income, is fair and just. They all must also agree. This choice was actually set as a rule for the past Muslims, not to encourage them to have more wives, but rather to decrease the great number of wives that they already possessed. It's not heartless or unfair and anyways only less than 5% of Muslim men have more than one wife.Most Muslims women know why they must wear the hijab and cover themselves and that's because of modesty. But there's more to that. We cover our selves because God commanded us to, but he also gave us a reason behind it. Muslim men flaunting their hair? They have their own set of commands that they must follow too. Like they can't wear jewlery. They should grow their beard because that's the sunnah of Muhammed(PBUH) and they must go to the mosque every Friday.

Everyday one would ask a question and the other would answer. We still talk about our religions to this day, but why is this horrible feeling coming back. Feeling embarrassed. Feeling like I don't fit in, but I know that it doesn't matter if I fit in or not. Sitting next to a guy that was plucked straight out of my dreams it surprised me. This guy won't even notice me because he and I aten't the same. We don't have the same values and we don't have amount of responsibilities. Oh Allah, I ask that you forgive me and that you will show mercy upon me and ny family and upon every Muslim person in the world. Please, ya Allah I ask that you guide me in the straight path and keep me from the haram(forbidden). Alhamdulliah(praise and thanks be to Allah).
I am different. That's true, but I'm pretty sure that if I wait patiently, good things will happen. Hopefully, I'll get over this fear of speaking up and inshallah I find a good, Muslim guy who will love me and my flaws. I have a lot of flaws, but I also have a lot of love just waiting to be shown.

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⏰ Last updated: Jun 30, 2015 ⏰

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