Feel you||Colby Brock

||Part 1||

"Tell them its not true" He yells, being held back by the cops.

I look at him, and hold our son, Miles, Tightly against my chest. Miles is 6, I had him when I was 16 and James, my now ex partner being arrest by the cops was 18. I should've known we would've ended up this way, but I don't think anyone that young and helpless would prepare for this. 

Miles tugs on my shirt as I look down at him and I can feel my heart break a little bit more as I watch him raise his head and stare at his dad, not even being able to recognise the man we see before us. 

"You cant let this happen Aliah. This would be the worst thing you do." He's not yelling, but he may as well be. He's fighting the police to get closer to us and I cant even bring my self to stand up, were surrounded by broken glass and I'm worried one wrong move would send me or miles into it. 

"If you do this, you'll ruin us." 

"You'll ruin us"

me? I'll ruin us? not him, the man who constantly locks his fiancé and child in a room. Not him, a man who threw a bottle at the wall behind me while I held our crying 6 year old in attempt to shut us up, surrounding us in glass. 

He got himself here, he deserves this. 

"You need help James" I say softly. 

"This is not the life I'll let my son live" I say louder, a tear falling from my cheek. I nod at the cop restraining him and he pulls James out. James mutters and yells but as he gets taken away it all becomes a distant slurring. The female office looks at me pitiful, which I'm used to by now, its the same look my mother gives me every time I show up at her house and ask her to take miles for the night. 

"Do you have a dustpan or vacuum somewhere?" She asks. 

I nod. "In the closet to your right" I reply. 

She nods and smiles at me before grabbing the dustpan and brush, and sweeps the glass up from around me and I stand up and walk miles to the couch and place him down. His eyes are puffy and he's running warm from crying but he can barely keep his eyes open and quickly begins to dose off. 

"My poor boy, I'm sorry you've been through so much so young" I whisper and place a kiss to his head.

I look at the clock as it strikes 7pm. The police officer sits on the other lounge chair and looks at me, placing her hands in her lap. I know what she's gonna say, I know what's gonna happen next, but for at least a moment id like to pretend I don't. 

James was sweet, he was romantic when we were young, but babies change things. I love my son, he was the best thing to happen to me, but if I knew having him would involve so much pain for both him and I, I would've changed so many things. I don't know if that would mean leaving James, or simply not telling him and running away, but I would've made any choice to make it just us. Me and Miles, that us now. 

"my understanding is that this isn't your first report" She says, taking out her notepad. 

I nod and sit on the couch next to miles. 

"Im going to need you to tell me what happened, it would help you to have another statement on file for the future" 

Miles shifts and rests his head in my lap. I gently stroke his hair and look up at the officer. 

"Help me?" I ask. 

"Well just incase you ever have a custody issue or something along those lines" 

I shake my head. "He cant ever have miles" I say. She nods in agreement and purses her lips together awaiting my statement. I sigh and give her a short but detailed replay of what happened as well as a couple others. She notes every point, not missing a bat. I know because I counted every time her pen lifted after she wrote a word. She took every detail, not even summarising it. I don't know whether to thank her or ask her why. 

She closes the book, looks at me with the same pitiful look she did before and stands. She lets out a light breath. 

"If I had to give you one piece of advice, it would be to leave" I look at her confused by her words. 

"Whos name is on the lease?" She asks. 

"James" 

"Then go, you need to go. He may be locked up for tonight or so, but that won't stop him from making a call and accusing you of squatting here. Believe me ive seen it before. Get your stuff and stay with someone" 

I want to cry, because she's right. 

I want to cry, because I'm basically homeless. 

I want to cry, because my baby is losing a father, and I'm losing my partner. 

I want to cry, because I know it would've been easier to just have endured James but I know that would've made me a horrible mother, a horrible person, and a horrible woman.

I gently slide out from under miles and walk the cop out and quickly pack our bags, not everything, but everything we need and everything important to us. I grab Miles and scoop him up and place him in his car seat in the car and load all of our bags in. On the way to my mothers I cry, I laugh at myself, and I contemplate every other option I have, but nothing comes to mind and now I'm outside my mothers house watching my step father bring my bags in and my mother carry her grandson up to his room that she set up for him.  Im sitting at the counter and after a few moment my step father, Alex, walks in and leans against the counter across from me. He looks almost as sad as I feel. We've always been close, he was the father I never had. 

My mother follows in and does the same moment after. Were all sharing glances of sadness and my eyes fill with tears. 

"I'm so sorry" I sob into my hands. My mother walks to me and holds me against her. Alex sniffles and rubs his eyes. 

"You did the right thing" my mother says, pressing her lips to my head. 

She wipes my eyes and Alex tries to smile despite the clear tears he's been shedding. 

We all sit for a moment just looking at each other. 

"You know what, you need a drink" My mother laughs. I laugh too but pathetic and soft. 

"Im serious, take your car and go for a drive honey, go to a bar, when was the last time you did that?" 

I cant even answer so I take the keys and go.