Darlin'

Chapter Five

I ended my time on memory lane when we moved over to small groups. I knew I needed to get out of my own head and focus on the others here. I had five people seated in a small circle around me. I slowly learned that Imogen lost her sister to cancer. Omar lost his girlfriend to suicide. Sam didn't want to share out their story yet. Jessica lost her mom to old age and Janet lost her father to alcoholism. I told them the short version of my own story. I focused more on losing my dad tonight. I was never quite ready to talk about Cam. I never felt comfortable telling strangers about him. He was too... much. Our relationship had never been defined. Who we were to each other was a blurred and tangled web. Dad was a much more comfortable loss. His passing had been unexpected but losing a parent is a normal stage of life. Losing your fuck buddy, baby daddy, best friend, soulmate, Voldemort, baggage... was a whole other issue. I never wanted to admit how much Cam meant to me. Asher was a visual representation of our fornication but the question marks that were left in Cam's wake still felt like scars trying to heal an open wound. 

I caught myself looking over at Rhys as the meeting came to a close. His eyes looked red and puffy. Tears were a regular site around here. I often found myself crying as much for others losses as I did my own at these meetings. Some of their stories were tragic enough to keep me thinking about it long after I had driven home. Rhys seemed to be waiting around. I wondered if it was for me? I started to help with clean up. Rhys silently started to help too.

"You don't have to do that." I said, my voice sounding raw. The first night was often a very emotional time for the Grief Share cycle. 

Rhys shrugged, "No worries. What are you up to after this?" His tone was casual. I wondered how he meant it? Was he asking me to hang out or just curious to know my plans?

"I have to get home to my son and then start on the mountain of laundry we have. I also want to read more of your book before I go to bed."

The corner of Rhys' mouth perked at the last tidbit. "How old is your son?"

I smiled widely, "Ash is two. Well about to be."

"So it's been about three years for you too then?"

Me too? Mattie had died the same time as Cam? My heart hurt at the thought. I hadn't been in the headspace to read or watch the news in the weeks or months following Cameron's crash. A thousand more crashes could have happened in that time period and I wouldn't have known it. My whole world had crashed down around me when I found out Cameron was gone. Finding out weeks later that a small part of him would survive through Asher had been the only thing to keep me going. I wasn't going to pry and ask about details surrounding Mattie's death. I had made a promise to myself to not go snooping. I would let Rhys tell me when he was ready. If he ever was. Talking about the death of loved ones was never easy.

"Yes. He died a few weeks before I found out I was pregnant."

"I thought losing my dad and brother 3 years apart was rough. I can't imagine losing them six months a part. You mentioned that this morning, right? Your father died six months apart from your husband?"

My throat went dry. It was a common assumption when strangers heard that Asher's father had died. They assumed we had been married or at least a couple. The truth, that we were some gray area with no title, was never easy to explain.

I nodded, "We weren't married, but yes."

Rhys' eyes widened, realizing his faux pas, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have assumed."

"No worries."  I said reassuringly. 

"You've been through these classes before?" He looked like a deer caught in the headlights.