The Last messages

Message for female friend

Yachi didn't know what to do at this point. She knew he was struggling, so much more than he said he was. When she asked, he sighed and just said, “Not feeling too hot right now. Don’t worry, it'll be okay soon.”
She saw his performance slip, watched as his figure withered day after day, looking brittle and hollow. She saw his grades, how he started stuttering when he talked, stumbling through sentences as much as he stumbled down stairs and on the court.
She saw him lose the passion for life slowly, even if she didn't know it. As sorry to say as it was, when news got around that he was gone now, she was less than surprised. That didnt mean it wasnt heartbreakingly horrible for her. She sobbed for days, thinking about how she should have said anything. His “rough patch” turned into the force that would stop his life rolling like a ball in the grass; it was too big for it to escape in time.
When a letter turned up for her in class one day, she wasn't expecting it. Looking around, she saw Reader walking away from the room quickly.
She pocketed it and gave a quick thanks that practice had been canceled for today due to a meeting that the coaches had to attend. She rushed out of school to her home as fast as she could. She took the letter out again, making sure her mother wasn't home one last time before opening it anxiously.

“To: Hitoka Yachi

Hey! I'm so sorry if you’re reading this letter under the circumstances that it was intended for. If not, then I need to put anti-snoop stuff in my room.
Anyways, I'm sorry, I was just trying to make you feel a bit better about what happened. This isn't exactly a light hearted letter, as I’m sure you know. I reached my end of the line, or rather I cut it with my own hands. I’m sorry about that, too. I owe you a lot of apologies, so many, for not telling you when you asked. That was on me, not you. I’m not proud of that. But I also wasn't proud of this rough patch, as I put it. It was my lowest low, thats for sure. You have everything else to deal with, between personal life and school life, and you didn't need my secrets.
If I’m going to be completely transparent in this letter (which I absolutely plan to), then I’ll say this- it was also a matter of me liking it as my secret. Some people have their drugs to give them that headrush, or bungee jumping over cliffs. Mine was just the searing numbness and what came with hiding it. It felt good when people almost found out, feeling that nausea from anxiety wrapping me in its chokehold.
It was a sick pleasure of mine that I’m not really proud of either. But I couldn't stop even if I wanted to. Theres only one more important-important topic I want to talk to you about. The fault of all this. I know you knew that it was something more than just sleepless nights and not feeling wells, and I’m sure you’re regretting not speaking up if I know you. I don't blame you, how would you begin to describe this? I brushed you off. The fact is, there is some fault to be had by some people. You are not one of them. Never in a million years would you be one of the people that drove me to do this.
You are not, will not be, never ever be the reason. You had nothing to do with it. You were one of the reasons I stayed longer, actually. I know it might be weird for me to say, but I really loved you Yachi. In a platonic way, of course, you know that, but being clear is what I’m going for here. You were my best friend aside from Tsukki, and you sure treated me a lot better than him. I could see it in your face, how you walked and talked, that you cared about me.
I cared about you too, and thats actually the reason I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I hurt you, because I know you were hurt by me hurting. Thats just how you are. You have so much compassion for people you’re close to, even if you shouldnt be sometimes. People will use that to their advantage, you know. You have an intense love for the people that care to get close to you, just like I do.
We’re called loyal dogs, and doormats to the people we care about because we’ll follow them at their heels, and if we get in front we apologize and let them step all over us. We feel like we owe something to them for being with us, for caring about us. We need to show them that we’re worthy of their care and attention, content to please others. You and I being friends is kind of weird. Logically it wouldnt work, trying to follow the other and end up running in circles. But we somehow came to the point where we walked next to each other. I’m sorry I stopped walking with you. I tore away from you and the compassion you had for me, leaving you to follow behind those you love.
Thats why I’m sorry, because we were able to make a beautiful friendship, finding contentment in just existing next to each other, and leaving you alone. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry, I can never say it enough it seems like. It was just too much, everything came crashing down on me slowly, suffocating me without me realizing it. It was too late when I did. To me, this was my only course of action. I’m sorry I abandoned you. I hope you’ll be able to find love in the people that deserve it, from people who wont rip it away from you like I did.
Please find that someone. Whether it be platonic, romantic, or anything- I hope you find someone who just wants to exist next to you for the sake of it, because your words make them feel things, your smile brings light into their life, seeing you makes them so happy they want to cry. I hope you find the people that love your existence like I love it. Thank you, so so much, for just existing and giving me the privilege of knowing you. Continue living, please. You made life so much better for me, and you make life so much better for other people. Remember that.

Yachi curled up into a ball on her bed, crying softly and clutching the letter. “I love you too, reader...