Songs I Can Relate To And How I Relate To Them!

How I Can Relate To "Rolling Gril" (Edgy 16+)

(Originally written February 18 2024)

I'll try my best to not type the same lyrics over and over again but at certain parts it's important!

Rolling Girl Is Forever
I feel like I'm eternally spiraling down into madness every day!

Looking at an unreachable dream
I wanna be away from society and I want to stop being sad and stop my sister from being eternally upset like I am when I know fully well I wanna die!

The inside of her busy head
The gears in my brain are always turning even when I try to sleep I can't fall asleep because I'm stuck in my dark thoughts of "my mom's pregnant but what if the labor kills her?" or "what if the baby kills our pets especially the birds who are fragile?"

Scraping around scraping around
The thoughts are there despite me desperately trying to ignore them and they will never stop and they will never end despite me trying desperately!

"No problem" she mutters
I say this way too often like at school whenever either my friends or anyone else asks and even my own mother my response is always "I'm fine" especially with mom because last time I expressed my concerns about the baby she yelled me and gave me a stern lecture about how "I promise the baby won't kill me" but you can't make that promise!

Were the words lost?
No matter what whenever I say "I'm fine" I get this empty feeling which feels so weird like I feel like a husk of a person somehow despite not being one!

Already a failure already a failure
I always fail in some way so I've learned over time that's it's pointless to try!

If it ends in a game of spot the difference again roll!
I am no different from everyone else on the outside but internally I'm different!

One more roll one more roll
It feels like I'm endlessly rolling down a staircase and it's never ending and always painful and it keeps going and I'm constantly going through the same pains over and over again in a constant loop like it's generally 1. Mourn my pet birds that die two years ago 2. Anxiously scratch at literally anywhere out of grief/anxiety/ocd and then be upset that it's bleeding 3. Mom notices it later and than either cries or gets angry or lectures me to stop and I try but bad habits don't just stop easily!

Today too I will roll
There are others suffering from real problems while I have everything I could ever want and yet I can't be happy so I just roll down the staircase with them along all the other people who either have died or want to die for one reason or another!

The girl says the girl says
I voice my concerns to my mom but she never takes me seriously but at least I'm fine for now!

While the meaning is played by the words
I twist things like "I'm fine" and "I'm gonna get better in the future" to fit my own definitions and meanings.

Is it enough yet?
My dark thoughts asking if everything in my head is enough for me to kill myself!

Not yet
I respond to myself as I think of my pets and how much I love them and how most importantly how the pet birds would die without me and I'm not gonna put their lives on the line for my own selfish desires!

Because the end is not yet visible
I really don't know how to end myself properly like even eight year old me tried and failed because I wasn't doing anything right and I got in big trouble for it!

I will stop your breath now
Hopefully when I die it will be not because of myself but because it's my destiny!

Rolling girl's shell of her former self
I was so happy when I was seven and under and I had so many goals for my future but now I have no dreams or hopes or goals.

It will not reach the color on the other side
Younger me though that the world was gonna be fun and joyful like a rainbow but I'll never get to see the fictional colorful world like younger imagined because it was just that fictional never real and nothing more that an hopeless wish by a broken child!

The overlapping voices
They are inside my head and follow me everywhere and I can never hide from them as they are inescapable!

Mixing them together mixing them together
They are all there and they are always there and usually my thoughts mix and overlap with people's actual words!

The mumbled words "no problem" were lost
I always try my best to help others even if their problems devastate me and this is especially true with my friends!

Hey I said whatever happens is fine
Often I try my best to reassure people even though I fail and they often end up feeling worse after but at least I tried I guess.

A hill road that even invites causing a mistake
Sometimes it's tempting to run away and go to the Petco that's on a hill nearby where I live and cry out my sorrows to all the animals there.

You will roll me somehow
To the whole world no matter what something in this world will find a way to push me down the metaphorical staircase that I'm always endlessly rolling down!

The girl says the girl says
I feel like a nobody but just "some girl" even to myself sometimes!

While I overlap the meaning reticently
I share what I think but I keep it to myself and I always share what old me thinks but not what I'm currently thinking because everyone would be disturbed by my true thoughts!

Is it enough yet?
Is the pain enough for me yet?

A little more
It's enough for me to suffer but not enough to drive me to die yet!

Pretty soon something will probably be visible
What if my friends end up noticing the blood? What would I do than? I truly have no clue!

I will stop your breath..... now
Not yet I gotta take care of my pets!

While the smile is played by the worlds!
It feels like the whole world is smiling cruelly at me and punishing me for being born despite me never asking to be put here in the first place!

Is it enough yet?
Has the world had enough time punishing me yet? Can I be free? Or is the world just gonna keep bothering me until the day I die?

It's fine
At this point it's fine as long as no other major tragedies happen in my life I'll just keep taking whatever the world throws at me until it's my time!

You will probably be tired soon right?
I'm always tired! Even if I sleep eight hours or ten or even eighteen! It's never enough and I'm always in some state of sleep deprivation!

I will end your breath...... now
Oh I really care about you!

Thank you
I wasn't quite ready to die just yet but thank you for caring and for everything you've ever done to help me!

Author's Note
Please be as kind as possible as I have good friends who stick up for me but I'm being bullied and they're not always there sadly and bullying really doesn't affect me emotionally that much but it's super annoying and makes it harder for me to learn at school!