Rogan the Detective ONC

Blemished Past

Dark secrets are like nasty little worms biting into your heart, burrowing deep within relentlessly until there is a hole that nothing can fill.

And those awful things had feasted on my heart for years. Only, in my case, it was just one giant worm eating up my soul, staining any happiness I'd managed to find over the years.

"What exactly happened?" Elizabeth asked, sounding calmer now that she saw I was about to spill my guts.

"My brother was driving the car, and I was sitting restlessly in the backseat," I said as the images burst through the forefront of my mind as vivid as on that day.

It was strange how I couldn't remember many things. Many happy memories were irrevocably lost to the ocean of time sweeping them away from the shores, yet those traumatic recollections stayed with me. They seemed to be buried deep into the sand of memory, able to withstand the power of the waves. It was the case with most of my bad memories, but it was especially true for that horrible night.

"I was supposed to be sleeping as it was a long day. But I was too angry with the adults to be able to settle down," I said, thinking how ridiculously petty it all looked now and how important it seemed at the time. "They always expected me to do what they wanted and be happy about it, and I hated it. So, I whined to my brother about the injustice of it all."

Elizabeth's foot started tapping agitatedly, but I ignored it. This was my story, and I had to tell it my way. It wasn't like the guy would let us live anyway. However, a part of me was hoping that if we did what he asked, he might at least give us quick and painless deaths.

"He was focused on the road but would answer me with an occasional affirmative mumble or a 'yes', but generally didn't participate much in the conversation," I said, shame rising in me, filling every cell of my body, making me feel horrible. "At one point, he seemed to focus solely on the road. I learned later that he saw that something was off, and since it was quite dark, he wanted to pay extra attention to the road. However, the 11-year-old me wouldn't have it. I was going through something, and as my big brother, he had to be there for me."

Voicing the thoughts that ran through my head at the time made me feel even worse about my selfishness, even though I knew it was common for children to be self-absorbed at times. However, when it happened with other children, it didn't usually end as horribly as my self-centeredness did.

"What did you do?" Elizabeth asked, clearly already seeing where my story was going.

Thomas, on his part, was barely even present, yet I was directing my story solely to him as Elizabeth was being too impatient with me when all I did was show support for both of their stories.

"I peeked my head between the seats to look at his face, to check if he was even listening to me," I said, ceasing my pacing to rub at my hand, the injury feeling like it came to life together with the story. "The suddenness of my action caused his attention to drift away from the road for a split second, but that was all it took. The next thing I knew, he lost control of the car, and we spun in circles until we turned completely around and hit the car driving behind us."

"But, if he wasn't driving over the speed limit, that shouldn't have caused too much harm," Elizabeth said, prodding for more information.

I just wanted to stop talking about it all. It made the fear I felt then, that stomach-dropping dread making your legs feel like they were cut off, come back to life. Even as an adult, I couldn't handle that much anxiety and guilt mixed up together. I worried it would be like a lab experiment gone wrong, that it would explode right in my face.

"Apparently, there was a patch of ice on the road that my brother didn't see. It was one of those places where ice stayed even long after all the snow was gone," I said, repeating something I'd heard from my mother later on when she was trying to prove to him that it wasn't his fault. "Besides, the driver behind us was speeding, and my brother was a new driver, so he didn't have the skills to avoid the collision. I think he was as terrified as I was."