Dating Dilemmas over the toilet seat.

The Toilet Seat Dilemma

This is a short comedic sketch for 3 actors aged between 26-38 years old. Set in a dining room and sat at table drinking wine with a bowl of plums in the centre of the table.

Karen: You know that new guy that I'm dating at the moment keeps leaving the toilet seat up and it's really annoying me.

Drew: Well, get more toilets, if it annoys you that much!

Karen: And, where would I put them, in the dining room, huh?

Drew: Build more rooms then!

Karen: I'm going to need another dimension

Chloe: Or, buy him a spade to dig some holes in the garden?

Karen: No, Chloe.

Chloe: Have you ever thought about inventing a toilet seat which lifts itself? Then, there would be no need to wash your hands after touching the seat, would there?

(Karen and Drew stare for a moment at Chloe with a puzzled look)

Drew: I wouldn't touch my junk then rub my hands-on people, so yeah, HAND WASHING is compulsory. That's just me, though.

Karen (laughs)

Chloe: But, I'm just saying if we didn't use our hands to touch the toilet seat then technically we shouldn't need to wash our hands. It's not as if we wash our butt cheeks after seating on the toilet seat, is it?

Karen: I used to carry cling film around in bag just in case I needed to use a public toilet.

(Drew raises an eyebrow in bewilderment at Karen.)

Drew: I could never relax enough in a public toilet and do my business.

Chloe: This world is bonkers to me. It's like this... if we invented a pop up and pop down toilet seat which was self-cleaning, then we wouldn't need to clean our hands, would we?

Drew: I wouldn't rub my dirty hands on people, unless they WANTED me too, anyway.

Chloe: I'm just saying where in the rule book does it say that we should clean our hands after the toilet? Why not clean your hands before the toilet instead? I would only assume that your plums were clean before you touch them. (Chloe picks up a plum and takes a bit from it.)

Karen: Chloe, have you ever seen a man pee?

Drew: My plums are fresh and immaculate at all times, thanks.

(Karen laughs)

Chloe: I'm just saying that I assumed a man would wash his hands before going to the toilet to keep his man parts clean.

Karen: Erm, not quite as necessary, unless he's using cock and balls in lieu of hand shaking when greeting people.

Drew: Since CoVid, I've been washing my hands every ten minutes, so the chances of getting my "manhood" dirty are pretty slim these days anyway.

Karen: I'm just imagining what a better world it would be if men were to joust instead of shaking hands.

Chloe: You mean "joust" with their elbows?

Karen: I think it would bring about a more chivalrous time.

Drew: Chloe, can you pass me a plum, please?

Karen: Is a man hood fur-lined? Waterproof? Or, detachable?

Drew: My favourite kind is a lady's hood.

Karen: I'd never be able to pull off a man's hood, too big for my dainty lady head.

Drew: Is it just me, or is anyone else feeling these plums?

End Scene