I could hear nothing more than the raging roar of the cold water. The sound was almost deafening. I saw nothing but the dark clear blue sky, my hands quivering in fear of being caught. It was cold, colder than it ever was back home in South Hampton. The wind blew through my hair, the mist of the ocean spraying gently onto my tear stained face. I closed my eyes and took in a deep breathe.
Life had given me nothing but trouble. In fact, I was destined to do this. Stare my life away into the vast deep blue ocean, that was just a railing and a few feet away from my grasp. I knew I did not have it in me, my religion forbade it, but at the same time, suicide seemed like the best option. A few minutes ago, I was on my bed, warm and preparing myself for a long night of sleep. And now, I stood with my hands on the railing, my heart in my mouth and peeped over the railing.
After all what did I have left, to bind me to this unforgiving world? A broken marriage, an empty womb, a tainted reputation and now a monster lurking on board the RMS Titanic. I sunk to my feet. I had nothing and no one. I was a nobody and would always remain a nobody. Tears continued to roll down my cheeks. My blue cotton night gown,clung to my anaemic, small framed body. My coat lay carelessly thrown on the deck and shoes scattered. I remembered yesterday, a report had gone out that a young girl nearly fell over board and was saved by a young man from steerage class.
As I had walked from my room in Second Class, I silently prayed that I did not attract attention as a maiden ready to commit suicide. I had walked all the way with my head bent down, my eyes on my feet, aimlessly. I wanted to get over with everything once and for all.The life I left behind in England, in secret, and the life that waited for me at the docks of America did not seem welcoming. I did not know anyone, I had no credentials and no pass. I did not know any other language then my own and a seemingly small vocabulary of french. What was I too do when I get off at America?
I spent the whole of today morning, contemplating the monster's proposition. Must I do it? Must I will myself to such degradation. Could I sink possibly lower than my already tainted reputation? No. For it was sin. I rather give my life then to will myself to such disgrace. I scowled at myself in the dark and grimaced. I was going to commit sin in one way or another.
But I had chosen the one with dignity.
So, I took my chances. I lifted myself onto the railing and sat facing the blue black darkness that surrounded me.
"O Lord, Jesus Christ, Redeemer and Saviour, forgive my sins, just as You forgave Peter's denial and those who crucified You. Count not my transgressions, but, rather, my tears of repentance. Remember not my iniquities, but, more especially, my sorrow for the offenses I have committed against You. I long to be true to Your Word, and pray that You will love me and come to make Your dwelling place within me. "
I laughed at my hypocrisy. I was praying for protection, while all the while before, I had prayed not to get caught. I slowly closed my eyes and tried to focus on those who had supposedly loved me. My father, his beard and handle bar moustache that had tickled me every time he kissed my cheek before I went to sleep. His calm and loving nature, different from the rest of the male oriented sphere. My mother and her long silky ebony hair. Searching for wrinkles on her beautiful skin was like searching for a needle in a hay stack. My sweet younger brother, who had loved his bed time stories and happy endings.And then I thought of Glenn. The man I had loved. The man I had married. The man that claimed I was his, the day we met.
Glenn Redgrave, the man who was no longer mine. I opened my eyes, and a sudden determination washed through me. I was ready for this. I needed to this. I peeled the fingers of my left hand, off the railing but still gripped the railing with my right hand for dear life.
Glenn. The man who I loved and probably still did. The man who was responsible for my present state. The man who had watched my life crash ,crumble and burn. The man who left me with nothing and no one. The man who destroyed the woman in me. The man that now sat in the heart of South Hampton, in a sea of wealth and his mistress across his lap. My heart raced in my chest, and tears welled in my eyes. I did not want to live. I did not want to live. I did not want to live anymore."Forgive me",I said, as I slowly willed myself to let go.
And then.
I let go.
