Tales of Mystery and Intrigue

All-Knowing and All-Agony

AN: This is the second story that I wrote, inspired by the interactive music project "MILGRAM", created by DECO*27 and Yamanaka Takuya. This particular story was based on the character Haruka Sakurai and what his story might be.

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The covers of my bed didn’t give the same comfort as they once did. The mattress didn’t feel as soft as it once did. Nothing felt like it did nine years ago.
It was hard to believe that I was laying in the same bed as the one my mother used to tuck me into every night. This didn’t feel the same. At all. Why couldn’t she love me anymore, like she once did? Was it too much to ask for? Was I not worth her love? She made it very clear that I wasn’t. I knew it very well that I wasn’t. The people at school made it clear, too.
Not a single day passed where I didn’t long for my mother’s attention, affection and love. Why? Why couldn’t she show even an ounce of love for me? I knew that I was dumb, an idiot. I knew. I had been told that my entire life and eventually grew used to it. The insults aimed right to my face eventually didn’t hurt anymore, but somehow the degrading words that would come from her mouth would always hurt more than all the previous ones from everyone else combined.
I felt miserable. I knew that I was miserable. Always hungry for attention and love. I just wanted to be noticed. Was that so much to ask for? Or was I simply not worth it?
Please just notice me, please just notice me, please just notice me, please just notice me, please just notice me, please just notice me, please just notice me, please just notice me, please just notice me, please just notice me, please just notice me, please just notice me, please just notice me, please just notice me please just notice me, please just notice me, please just notice me, please just notice me, please just notice me, please just notice me, please just notice me, please just notice me, please just notice me, please just notice me, please just notice me, please just notice me-
The tears stung as they fell down my cheeks. I didn’t know how long I had been crying here for. Trying to find a way for my mother to finally notice me turned out way more difficult than I had thought it would; everything either had either already been attempted by me or was simply impossible. I didn’t stand out one bit if not for my stupidity. I would do anything for attention from her. To be her favorite instead of my sister.
A thought popped into my head.
Would it be possible, though? It could easily fail, but I was willing to take such risks. It would be worth it, and she would notice me. She would finally be nice to me and maybe even praise me… Just the thought of it made me find the motivation to play out the plan. I couldn’t help the smile creeping onto my face as I wiped the wet crystals from my face, also making sure to make my bed before leaving the house. It was a habit that formed when I tried to impress my mother by always being tidy and keeping everything clean, although now I couldn’t help but make the bed again even if I just sat on it for barely a minute.
I didn’t bother putting on a jacket when I headed outside, despite knowing that it was quite cold outside. I immediately shivered as the cold late-autumn air hit my body but I really didn’t care right now.
I walked along the road for a bit until I reached the gate for my neighbours’ yard, feeling my joints freeze and tense up while my teeth slightly trembled against each other. I slowly and quietly opened the gate, knowing from past conversations that there wasn’t a lock nor an alarm attached to it. There had been a break-in here a few days ago so the middle-aged pair was planning to install an alarm system soon, so I knew that I had to use this opportunity while I still had it. No one would look at a nobody like me if I didn’t do this, especially not my mother.
I headed towards the doghouse they had in their yard. I could see the golden retriever sleeping peacefully in it, completely unaware of both my presence and as to what was going to happen now. The thought of what I was about to do next disgusted me. I almost turned around and headed back home, but I couldn’t. This was the only way for someone as worthless as me to get noticed.
I clutched the pocket knife in my pocket, but let go soon enough. I couldn’t kill him here in the yard, where anyone could see and I needed both of my hands to drag him out of here, probably into a forest where it would be easier to hide the body. I kneeled down in front of the dog, preparing myself mentally to wake him up. I was scared that he was going to think of me as a threat or an intruder and start barking. My hands were shaking violently by my side.
I gently pat the dog on the head. I had never been good with animals and I never knew how to act around them, despite loving them so much. Thankfully, the dog woke up gently and just looked me in my blue eyes, completely oblivious and unknowing as to what was going to happen. No wonder the house got broken into; the golden retriever was unbelievably friendly. Thank God. That was one less thing to worry about for me.
I unchained him from his miniature house, flinching at the sound of metal clinking against metal echoing throughout the empty street. The dog perked his head up, trying to lick me. I had never seen him off of the confines of these rusty chains and it made me kind of sad. He had never been able to run around freely and was always held back by something. He was like me, in a way. But the only difference between us was that he was going to die and I was going to get what I wanted. I was going to be free.
I pushed him away from me as he tried to lick me, stood up, and took a hold of him by his collar. There wasn’t even a need to drag him, because he just walked along me with his tail wagging side-to-side. I felt so bad. He looked so happy to finally be free and I was going to take that happiness away from him and turn it into mine. But it didn’t even matter anymore. I had been sad for so long that I couldn’t even remember the last time I was happy. I was the unfortunate one here, right? I deserved this happiness… right?
I kept dragging him along towards the forest east of where my house was and he followed without complaints, still as happy as first when I released him. We were almost out of the town and the highway was right in front of us, only about twenty or so meters away. The road was empty with only one car driving along it in the distance towards us. I couldn’t even see the car and only it’s headlights, so it was still pretty far away.
However… Like always, then something had to go wrong. Everything went wrong if it was related to me, and this was no exception. Nothing ever went right with me, not even the way I was born into this world. The dog saw a bird picking at the grass on the ground beside us and immediately went feral. He tried to run towards it and almost pulled along with him towards the poor little bird who was now looking at us in an interested, almost taunting way. The dog didn’t stop trying to run towards it and I didn’t stop trying to hold it back, though the collar didn’t provide much of a support for holding him in place.
While he was still trying to catch the bird, he brushed against my leg, dropping the pocket knife out of the slippery fabric of my school uniform’s pocket. I never even found the motivation to change out of my uniform when I got home from school anymore unless my mother told me to do so, but she was still at work right now so there was no one to remind me, since my sister didn’t seem to really care any more about me than anyone else.
The persistence of this dog was admirable but annoying in a way. It infuriated me to no end. I could kill him right here if I wanted to, so who did he think he was? Maybe I would do just that. That would be the best option right now, wouldn’t it? The poor bird he was trying to torment would be left alone, too.
Still holding onto his collar, I kneeled down and picked up the knife, opening the blade and pointing it towards him. He tilted his head to the left, most likely wondering as to what I was up to as he looked at me with such innocent and pure eyes, but I didn’t care. This was for the better. I knew that I was being selfish with this, but this was for the greater good. Couldn’t the people around me ever see that I was suffering? That I wasn’t happy? Didn’t they notice how I never smiled around them and barely talked? Or did they just not care? I deserved to be happy, didn’t I? Everyone always said that everyone deserved to be happy, but then why couldn’t I be happy? happiness was just another thing that everyone else had but I didn’t. It was just another thing that differentiated me from everyone else.
In a swift movement, I kicked the dog in his abdomen and pushed it to the ground. The dog whimpered and shook as I started to repeatedly stab it over and over again until finally he stopped his movements and fell silent. My breathing was fast and uneven, the peachy colour of my clothes now painted a crimson red from the blood splattering all over me. Reality dawned on me at the worst time possible. The car that was once kilometers away on the highway was now pulling into the street and I had never felt so happy and despondent at the same time. I recognised the car. Of course I did; it was my mother’s, and she had stopped it right beside me on the road. I could see her face from the window: it was a mix of disgust, fear and pure horror.
She stepped out of the car as I gasped in astonishment as to what I had just done. I was amazed but disgusted by myself at the same, yet I could feel my dopamine levels ascending. the knife fell from my hands with a clank against the pavement as I turned around, the ghost of a smile on my lips. My breathing had become faster and more erratic, though I paid it no mind. My mother was here and that was all that I cared about at the moment. She saw what I could do. She saw that I wasn’t completely useless.
My lips curved into a huge grin, taking a step towards her and watching as she took in the scene and what I had just done. She must have been proud. There was no way that she wasn’t. I was surely going to be the favorite now, right?
She took a few steps towards me so that she was now within an arm’s reach of me. Her eyes were still wide, but that must have been because she was surprised that I could do something and wasn’t completely useless. Yes… That must be why her eyes are wide, her breathing quickened and shoulders tense. She must be proud of me.
With the same smile on my face and an energetic and eccentric voice, I said, “Mother! Are you proud of me?! I’m not completely useless like you said, after all-”
I could feel my right cheek suddenly stinging and noticed how my face was turned towards the left, despite not wanting to move it towards that direction. Her hand was raised and I could feel the realization dawning upon me. She had slapped me. She hit me. She didn’t love me, because parents who hit their children don’t love them; that’s what my teachers had said every time after I had came to school with a new bruise. She hadn’t hit me in a long time, but she was still paying attention to me now, so she must love me. What if she just shows her love and affection through physical violence? Then she must be sad if I think that she doesn’t love me, right?
She loves me. She loves me. She loves me. She loves me. She loves me.She loves me. She loves me. She loves me. She loves me. She loves me. She loves me. She loves me. She just shows her love in a way that hurts a bit, but it’s worth it if she still loves me. I don’t care if I get hurt, as long as she still loves me. I don’t care if I am used, as long as I am loved. Being used just means that I am good enough at something to be used for it, and that means that I have value.
“You idiot! What the fuck is wrong with you?! You good-for-nothing… No wonder you don’t have any friends if you act like this! This is not the way to get my attention, for God’s sake! You’re inhumane! How can you even kill an innocent animal in such a ruthless way?!” Every word from her mouth hurt more than the last. How couldn’t she be proud? I had done something that most people can’t. I’m special. I can do something like this but my smartass sister can’t. I’m better than her. I have to be.
“B-But, mother-” I was once again cut off by another slap, this time to my left cheek. This time it hurt more and I wasn’t sure if it was because she hit me harder or because now I knew that now matter what I did or how hard I tried, I would never truly have a special place in her heart like other mothers have for their sons.
“Shut up! I don’t want to hear a single word from you! Get in the car, right now! Once there, you are going to go to your room and the police are going to arrest you for animal cruelty and don’t you even think about resisting!” She yelled at me, making my heart sink inside my chest. She got in the driver’s seat and I got in the back seat without resisting, scared about what else she might say about me if I did so. When I was inside and had buckled my seatbelt, she took a look at me through the rear mirror and scoffed, seeing my bloody school uniform staining the white leather seats of her car. “God, I knew that I should have dropped you at an orphanage as soon as you got diagnosed with that goddamn dyscalculia…” I heard her mutter to herself not-so-quietly. That was my absolute last straw. I couldn’t help the tears falling from my eyes once again, just like every other day.
“Great, and now you’re crying again. You’re a seventeen year old boy! You’re almost an adult but you act like a goddamn child all the time! You’re always crying about something or hungry for my attention! I have my own life and job! I can’t always give you what you want!” She started driving towards our house that was a few blocks away from where we were at currently at a dangerously fast speed. I couldn’t believe her words. She said that she didn’t have time for me because of her job, and yet she would do anything to spend a little time with my sister. This wasn’t fair. This wasn’t fair at all.
“What do you mean…? You always pay attention to Asuka… You didn’t even show up to my middle school graduation! This isn’t fair! You’re so mean…!” My voice got louder throughout my talking until I was eventually yelling. I knew that my mother didn’t like it when I yelled or acted like a child, but I just didn’t care right now. This wasn’t fair. I just wanted to be loved. To be noticed. How was I in the wrong here?
“Haruka! You don’t understand shit about the world! You’re not worth my attention! Asuka is a gifted little girl but you’re simply useless and a burden! How can’t you just understand that?!” I flinched when her voice got even louder than before, but my dread quickly washed away when I realised that she had just called by my name. She hadn’t done that in years. I was ecstatic to say the least, even when she scoffed and cursed me out once again at the sight of me smiling again. We had arrived at the driveway of our house and she parked the car, though she didn’t unbuckle her seatbelt and just sat there, pulling out her phone from the pocket of her jacket, “Go inside and don’t come out until you’re told so. I’m going to call the police. I hope you’re happy with what you have done.”
I didn’t argue back and stepped out of the car, rushing inside with the tears still staining my face to get out of the chilly night air. The blood splattered across my clothes made everything moist, further freezing me when the wind blew against me. Shutting the door behind me, I was met with a familiar face. A face that I saw every day; a face that I had loved, no matter how envious I was of it. A face twisted in horror once it saw the bloody mess that I was in front of it.
A face that I just couldn’t love anymore as of this moment.
“Asuka…” I said, looking down at the small girl in front of me. She must have woken up from the sound of the car parking in front of the house, judging from the teddy bear clutched in her hands that our mother had given her for her birthday. She was so lucky to get such a thing from her. I never got any gifts from our mother or father so Asuka was the only one who gave any to me. She was kind. Maybe a bit too kind for this world. Too talented for this world. And that was why I had to get rid of her.
I could tell that she could tell apart my usual face from my current one. That was just another thing that she was talented at: reading people. It got on my nerves how she knew so much, despite being so young and vulnerable to the world. She could always tell when I was feeling down or when I was happy, and right now she could tell that I was pissed off at her, and not myself. She took a step back but I was taller than her. Stronger than her. Faster than her.
I took a hold of her small neck with both of my hands and squeezed tightly so that not even a squeak could escape. She clawed at my bigger hands with her tiny ones to try and get me off her but it was futile. Tears were flowing down both of our eyes; hers from pain and sorrow and mine from disbelief as to what I was doing. Although I didn't believe what I was doing and knew that this was wrong, then I still didn’t stop and instead put more strength into squeezing her neck. I was choking her hard enough that there was no way that she could have gotten any oxygen to her lungs and it was clear from the way how she tried to do her best and take a breath in, but to no avail. Soon enough, her blue eyes rolled to the back of her head and her body grew limp. Her hands clawing at mine halted in their movements and dropped to her sides.
I had just killed her.
God… What had I done?
My breath hitched and I loosened my grip around her neck, letting her motionless body fall to the ground with a thud. I could see red and blue lights illuminating the streets, coming closer and closer to my house as the loud sirens reached my ears.
But it didn’t matter anymore. Nothing else mattered anymore. I was… happy. Happy that I could finally have all of my mother’s attention. Happy that there was no one going to be in the way anymore. Happy that there was no way for my mother to ignore me any longer because this was something that only a few chosen people could do like I had just done what I had: without hesitation. I was going to be her favorite now.

AN: Hope you enjoyed this one, although I'm not exactly sure how I feel about this one. It's definitely not my greatest piece of work, but not the worst, either. Also, I apologise if these stories are too short :(