( mentions of abuse, alcoholism, throwing up )
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"Eilulia, you can't-"
"No, no no no no- you have to let me go. Y-you have to let me go. I have to-"
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"Lu, Eilulia. My love, you have to change. You're soaking wet, I don't want you to get cold."
I shook my head and Lewis sighed, kneeling in front of me. My eyes were still glossy from crying. I had stopped sobbing sometime ago, time had become a joke. I wasn't completely present in what was going on.
"Darling, you have to change. Please."
"Getting sick doesn't matter when Jules is in surgery."
He signed again and I felt a bit bad. I knew I was being unreasonable but I couldn't bring myself to care. The race stopped after the crash and Lewis raced us to the hospital, following the ambulance. I don't remember the drive but I do remember Lewis trying to get me to calm down. He told me that I was having a panic attack and I couldn't remember the last time I had one of those.
I had grown past them. Or I had become numb to what usually set them off. Most of the time, it happened after Father got angry. I tried not to remember what happened during the times that he drank. But I did remember how I felt and the panic it caused me after. The worst part was trying to be quiet because I knew he would come back if he found out I was crying.
"Can you please change for me?"
"If I do it, will you shut up?"
He paused and I realized how much venom my voice held but I couldn't find my words to apologize. It didn't matter because he nodded. I sighed and took the clothes that Nico had been holding behind him. He went back to the hotel with Toto to grab anything I could need. Nico had called my family and they said they would be here as quick as they could. But I didn't want them here.
They were bad luck- or, maybe I was. Everything bad that had ever happened was because of me. Jules would have lived if I wasn't in Japan. He would be joking around at the driver's party with the rest of the grid but instead, we were here. And I was soaking wet.
I sighed as I closed the door behind me, locking the door. I sat the clothes on the table to the side of the sink, taking a second to look at myself. My eyes were red and it was an understatement to say that my mascara was running. It looked like I had been sobbing in the rain like a crappy rom-com. My hair was ratty from the wind and my curls had gone crazy from the rain.
I wanted to throw up and I stepped away from the mirror, knowing I couldn't stand to see myself right now. I needed to get this done so I could get back to the waiting room. Someone needed to be there when Jules got out and he woke up. I needed to be there to apologize to him.
So I stripped off my clothes. I had lost Toto's raincoat somewhere. I wondered if it had come off when I was fighting him. I wondered if I had hurt him and then the guilt spread through me. Or, no. That wasn't guilt.
I rushed over to the toilet, my knees slamming into the cold tile as my breakfast came up. A sob escaped my lips and I forced myself to take a breath. I couldn't cry anymore. Crying was weak and I needed to be strong for Jules. I needed to be strong for when the boys got here. I needed to be strong.
There was a knock on the door and I looked up from the toilet, quickly flushing it.
"Who is it?"
"It's Sebastian. Lewis asked me to come check on you, it's been a bit."
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⌞ always the angel, never a god ⌝
Fanfictioneilulia leclerc is the twin sister of the infamous charles leclerc. she has spent her entire life doing whatever to make sure that charles could the one of the best, her own talents and wants being pushed to the side. and so when he decides to conti...