Make Me.

Chapter Twenty Three

There were millions of things I wanted to say to her, but when my hand stilled in her hair and my gaze shifted from the low burn of the fire down to see if her eyes had closed I had lost all train of thought. The soft yellow glow from the flames illuminated the half of her face that was showing. It's been some time now since she's fallen asleep I thought, and her silent tears have finally stopped falling. I sighed to myself as I looked at her beautiful face, I adore every inch of this woman inside and out. My heart was heavy at the thought of everything she's been battling, and my mind has been racing. Why? Why not include me? Why not tell me at the very least. She didn't need to do this alone. She didn't need to be by herself for this. She didn't need to be by herself for anything.
~
It's been three years since the accident happened. It happened at a time in our lives when everything was shifting, but that's tragedy. It's never covenant. Grace was expecting, she was around six months along with our child that we didn't think we were ever going to have. We didn't pay much mind to the matter at the time after we first got married. We both wanted to start a family together without hesitation, and we tried. Really tried, and when it finally happened for us, we were beyond relieved. It really was a miracle one that I was starting to think wouldn't be in the cards for us. We were both so excited. We planned and prepared for everything. Setting up a nursery  was one of those moments in time that will forever stay frozen in my heart. Watching Grace with her rounding belly singing and laughing as paint went splattering through the air. We decided together that we were going to be surprised about the sex of our baby even though Grace said she knew without a doubt that we were expecting a girl. I smiled, recalling it with a heavy heart. Grace's birthday is in the dead of winter and the day of her birthday that year we were throwing her a surprise party something at the time that was meant to chear her up, she was feeling extra hormonal from her pregnancy and knowing that she couldn't exactly celebrate her special day in the ordinary fashion that one would I wanted to do something special to remind her how very important and loved she and our baby were to all of our family and friends at the time. She had spent the day with her mom and a few girlfriends pampering themselves for the day at a spa, then taking her to get her hair and nails done along with some shopping.We had her convinced that that alone was her special birthday surprise when at the end of it all, she would also come home to a house full of guests waiting to celebrate her. When she arrived at home right on time with everyone in tow, she was the first to step inside, beautifully glowing. Her golden hair was in louse waves that came down around her shoulders. She had some flurries caught throughout her hair, showing signs of the freshly fallen snow outside. Her cheeks were flushed a bright pink that matched her lips, and when her excited eyes met mine, I knew this wasn't exactly a surprise for my little minx. She  always saw whatever it may be coming from miles away. It was almost too much of a challenge to try and surprise her, which is not something that I would ever be quick to admit, however. She stood there surrounded by everyone who absolutely adored her. I remember her managing to put on a very believable show of being completely taken off guard by it all as well. But when she locked eyes with mine and gave me just the sweetest of all smiles, I couldn't help but feel like my heart was flooded with so much love. The celebration took on full swing with the birthday girl right in the middle of it all. My sweet Grace, I thought as I went back to stroking her hair softly, I sighed heavily, hating the next part of my memory. It was an accident no one saw coming. No one was prepared for it.
And I wasn't ready.
Grace blew her candles out with everyone all around. Our family and friends gathered around the dining room table with the lights dim singing happy birthday. Grace smiled and laughed, catching everyone's eye nodding small thank yous all around. She blew them all out at once, leaning in while holding her hair back she was absolutely breathtaking in that moment. We cut the cake, and as things started to lull and wind down from the loud music and dancing, it shifted to the ambient sounds of deep conversations and laughter filled the house. Since it was Grace's birthday and that she was expecting, and Grace's baby shower was quickly approaching, her great aunt flew in from out of state to visit. she was quite elderly in her old age at the time unable to truly live freely without having to stop and take multiple small naps throughout the day lacking almost any energy but she was thrilled to have made it in time to see my wife and I. Grace's aunt was very frequent throughout her life. Growing up, she was very close to Grace's mom, her niece, and would look after the both of them from time to time while Grace was little. I knew having her here was a big deal for Grace, so I offered for her aunt to stay with us for a little while longer then what was originally planned and Grace was so excited and happy she couldn't wait to ask and see if her aunt Sarah would like that. She was currently upstairs unwinding in her guest room that she was staying in. Turing in early, she had excused herself from the party to go lye down. My princess thought it'd be nice to bring her a slice of cake with the news. I was chatting with one of our friends and his wife when I heard a scream that made my blood curdel followed by a sharp thud that shook my soul and broke my heart. I've never moved faster than in that moment, and in what fealt like slow motion I ran to see my poor baby lying on the floor curled in on herself, screaming and crying out in pain and agony. I rushed to her side dropping to my knees instantly cupping her cheek my eyes doing a quick scan over her body for any signs of injury when I went to grab her hand and she cried out that she couldnt move her arm my blood went clod. Later on, it was relieved that she had tripped on her pant leg near the top of the stairs, catching on her footing, making her fall backward, crashing back down to the first floor. I remember everything in a blur from that point on I rushed over and held onto her with shaking hands not letting go until the hospital doors swung back in on me as a team of perfessionals were wheeling my wife away for surgery. She had broken her humerus bone in her left arm after she fell. The doctors later said that despite it being a clean break, which was emaculate, she still needed surgery that they highly recommended she have immediately. I was waiting outside of the operation room for hours when a doctor emerged from within with an expression that must not be easy to bear while working in this perfession. I jumped from my seat riddled with nerves it's been hours since I've gotten any word on Grace or her condition. I remember the doctor approaching me cautiously. I couldn't stand that look damn it. I knew what a look like that meant. "Where's my wife?! I stated frantically that the doctor raised his hands in defense. "Mr. O'Hara, your wife is fine she's recovering and in stable condition she's still coming out of the induced coma. we had to put her in to operate, but I have some very unfortunate news, sir, " he said before clearing his throat. I stopped pacing and stared at the man before me dressed all in white."What is it? Please tell me, is my wife and our baby alright?" I felt the hot tears, but it didn't matter as the doctor spoke his next words. " I'm terribly sorry, Mr. O'Hara, but you and your wife's unborn child did not make it. Again, with all sincerity, I'm so sorry for your loss, and if there's anything we can do for you folks, please don't hesitate to ask. Again, you and your wife have my deepest regards, and please don't hesitate if you need anything at all. He said with a somber nod as he turned and headed back to his life. I wanted to scream. I was filled with defeat at that moment.
It's been three years since that accident happened. My wife has cried her heart out every year on that day. It wasn't meant to be this way.
~
I felt myself being lifted and tucked against something hard and soft and even though I was exhausted I knew Noah's scent and as I wafted him in through deep inhales I clung to his chest as he rounded the top of the stairs his arms tightening around me and when he looked down at me my breath hitched with the air caught in my throat. Our eyes clashed his bright green irises swirled with emotions I couldn't quite read. His jaw was firm, and as I ran my hand across it, feeling the tickel from his stubble, he leaned into my palm, turning slightly and nipped at my wrist. He made me smile. It made my heart swell with too many emotions as he smiled sadly down at me. He entered our bedroom and softly kicked the door shut with me still craddeled in his arms. He held me close and asked if I wanted a shower or bath, I opted for a hot shower which without hesitation he walked us smoothly towards our bathroom setting me down on the counter so he could turn the water on for me. Noah tuned back towards me, placing his hands on both of my thighs his head bowed for a moment before he looked up at me. "You are not at fault, nor are you to blame yourself for things that are not even in your control to begin with. Am I clear?" He swiped at my tears with his thumbs locking eyes with my own so he knew I understood everything he had said. "Yes, Daddy." I said in a barley there voice. I gripped his hands that held my face, "Yes, Daddy, I understand. I'm just so sad." I cried, shaking while breaking down, leaning into his strong hands."I know, sweetheart, I am too." He said, pressing his forehead to mine, we stayed like that for a few moments that seemed to stretch out like the length of eternity. I had gotten in the shower a while ago. I should probably get out the scolding hot water was doing little anymore to soothe the ach all over my skin. This pain was different. It wouldn't fade. I finished my shower and gingerly stepped out with my head feeling light from all the hot water, I wrapped myself in a soft towl that was placed out for me and was met with a fresh pair of jammies on the bed. The lights on were soft and low, and it was far past late by now. I followed the smell of food coming from downstairs and just as I started to come down the final set of steps I was met with Noah closing the front door thanking the delivery guy for the pizza he was now holding I smiled a small smile as he tugged for me to follow him back to the bedroom, "c'mon baby I've got you" he said as he held his hand on the small of my back gently guiding me back to our bedroom. My stomach was excited at the thought of food, for I forgot to eat much today, I really need to stop skipping meals before Noah notices again. I really would hate to have that added back to the list of ever growing concerns I though to myself as he set us up with plates of my favorite pizza as I chose a movie we could eat and probably fall asleep to. We settled in and I felt my eyes beginning to grow incredibly heavy in the matter of minutes, it truly being a struggle to keep them open and after I stiffeled my second yawn with the back of my hand Noah took my plate from my lap only crust pieces left and set it aside "ok little girl, let's get you tucked in and ready for bed hmm. We will talk more when you wake up and are ready, ok, sweetheart?" I hummed out my response as I felt myself slipping, letting myself be completely consumed by the waves of exhaustion fighting to take over. I let them win, finding comfort in the thick, heavy blanket of darkness that accompanied it.