Our new Normal

Two

AN: just a bit of backstory of Liv's childhood ig although not a huge amount, also mentions of parts as to why she struggles.

TW for mentions of sh and just poor mental health but not a lot of detail.

~~~

You couldn't really remember a time when your life wasn't revolved around football.

Even as a baby there was always a ball around, always a game to go and watch whether that be to watch shamrock rovers or watch your siblings match, there was always a game.

coming from a large and competitive family you started playing fairly young, kicking a ball as soon as you could walk wanting to join in with the others playing in the street and winning your families praise after a particularly good game or when they won awards.

Your joined a club at age 5 and by the time you were 7 you were asked to shamrocks rovers U9s.

You can remember your first ever match you played, the way Katie did your hair as your ma was running late like usual, you sported two little pigtails and fresh bright pink cleats that your da had taken you to buy earlier that week.

There's a picture of you and katie dressed in your football attire from that day, your grin evident, the happiness quite literally radiating off of you, your looking up to Katie about to go in for a hug, that photo will be famous one day, plastered all over social media when you score your first goal for Ireland, When you eventually make your senior debut for Arsenal and you and Katie become known as the girls who 'saved' Ireland, when you make a name for yourself, becoming someone who isn't just Katie's little sister.

~~~

You can remember the day katie moved so vividly, you were only about 8 or 9 at the time, you can remember sitting on her bedroom floor as she closes her suitcase her whole life packed away just like yours was now, you can remember her taking your hand and promising you this would be you one day that one day you'll play for Arsenal with her, you remember hoping she was right, after she left you did everything you could to fulfil her promise, even at age 9 you trained harder then most teenagers desperate to become someone, to make a name for yourself.

~~~

All your life you were known as Katie's younger sister, from your first day at school when your teachers introduced you to other teachers they called you katie's sister, not your name, not Olivia or Liv, just katie's little sister. At first you hadn't minded wanted to be just like her anyways but as you grew up it got harder the pressures of wanting to be just like her, to impress her, impress your family, be exactly like her were hard, and you crumbled under pressure it didn't make you stronger like it did for some.

***TW here for sh mention ***

You hadn't known at the time that the pressure you were putting on yourself to fulfil katie's promise would eventually be the cause of your own downfall, you didn't know that trying to be Katie and not yourself would affect in this way that you'd eventually need a void to fill, using unhealthy coping mechanisms to fill this void.

At first it was catching yourself accidentally with the razer, then it was staying in the shower a bit longer until your skin turned red, then it was sleeping in more often and then suddenly you only wore long sleeves, shorts under your jeans and you didn't smile anymore, you didn't play with that same smile and love for the game.

You always wanted to be perfect, from never colouring outside the lines at age 2 to repeating training skills to near exhaustion until you got them perfectly at age 14 to now making perfectly straight red lines on your skin at age 16.

Perfect. That's what you wanted to be, perfect and just like katie.

It was your da who first noticed something was off with you, he saw how you didn't play with that cheeky grin anymore, how your behaviour at school was escalating, you'd always been one to get into a bit of trouble but never like this, it was suspensions after suspensions fights after fights, it wasn't you and it wasn't the little girl you had grown up to be.

You knew that someone would eventually catch on to what was going on, you knew it was only a matter of time before someone caught guard to what was happening, of how much you were struggling under the pressure you were putting on yourself.

He didn't ask you directly about what was going on instead opting to mention it to your ma and older sisters, giving you extra smiles at breakfast and offering you a lift to school rather then walking like you always did,letting you stay off school more and squeezing you tighter when you left the house.

it was almost an unspoken thing that that you were struggling, everyone was aware but no one knew how to help or what the cause was. What they didn't know is how much you were struggling they simply assumed it was just you growing up and it was just hormones, that you'd grow out of whatever was wrong.

~~~

"Olivia we need to leave in 10 minutes get out of bed, enough of these silly games get up or we will be late"

you hear katie shout from the top of the stairs for must have been the seventh time this morning the only thing changing is the time you had left.

groaning slightly you finally decide to roll out of bed, walking into the bathroom to brush your teeth and sort your hair out, getting changed into a navy tracksuit and picking out some white airforce to go with.

~~~

"Look who finally showed up"

Caitlin laughs as she places a bowl of cereal and tea infront of you bedire scolding katie as she tries to steal a bit of your toast "get of katie it's for Liv she's got a big day ahead of her you know"

"so have i you know i've got media duties all day it might be the end for me" she sighs dramatically  sitting down at the breakfast table

"You're always so dramatic" you laugh at her sulking state.

"stop laughing and eat quickly Liv or we will be late, do you have everything you need" katie replies looking up at you, nodding you agree "yep i've got me boots, shin pads and water bottle all good".

~~~

You hadn't been nervous all morning, you'd been laughing at Katie with Caitlin and singing along to whatever song came on the radio telling katie all about what's been happening back in Dublin but as the car got closer and closer to the training ground your nerves began to kick in

"You alright kidda".

Katie questions looking at you through the rear view mirror noticing you'd gone pretty quiet as the car pulled into the training ground.

"yeah i'm just kinda nervous now what if they don't like me or if i'm not as good as them or they think i'm only there cause of you or what if"

katie interrupts your nervous rambling smiling up at you "Hey calm down sweetheart, it will be fine they've watched you play, i've watched you play and your more then good enough for them i promise, everything will be okay your an incredible person and the kindest girl i know they'll love you"

butting in caitlin agrees "yeah and you've got super cool new boots"

~~~