I WANNA GO BACK

PART 2

Andy Herrera's POV about the situation she finds herself in due to RUBBISH ACTIONS in season 5. We've read fic after fic attempting to her and Maya Bishop's actions and there actually ISN'T any justification for 98% of what either has done.

That song by Lone Justice: "Wheels'; for me, that was just another sad sap song with some idiot whining about how and why they fucked up the 'love of their life' and boo hoo how will they ever go on...gimme a fuckin' break, Bitch! (though if I'm honest, even a 'modern woman' like me who doesn't really believe in the commonly accepted version of 'love' has to admit the lyrics have a certain poignancy):

I wish you never even loved me-makes it so hard to live without love now-I know you're often thinking of me;  Sometimes I feel you so close by That it takes all my might To keep from trying to track you down

//

You see...that second line is most applicable to me. Because I fucked up-we both made mistakes but I'm admittedly stubborn, and can be impulsive-many say too wrapped up in myself and entitled. I'm starting to see how those last two apply after my therapy sessions with Diane Lewis. Diane calls you out-she calls bullshit when she smells it, unlike my stationhouse 'family' and lovers. My father doesn't count: when I went through random dicks from two of my usual watering holes: Joe's or The Emerald Bar or fucked my Training Officer turned boyfriend in the turn-out rooms, common showers, or wherever I rebelled against it and accused him
of being abnormally interested in my sex life (which he IS) but Diane has shown me how to shine a light on my behavior and call it what it was: ACTING THE SLUT. I wasn't interested in long-term or serious relationships at that time and then Captain Robert Sullivan arrived at Station 19 and I was lost ...and I do mean LOST. By the third week after that first meeting, I knew that I was so
in love with him that I was willing to risk it all: my career, the respect of my father--anything, and everything to be with him.

Then life came for me-HARD AND FAST...my dad was first diagnosed with cancer, then my childhood boyfriend and later lover Ryan Tanner was shot and crippled for life by a child whose parent carelessly left a firearm where he could get at it...I was there
when it happened and carry a significant amount of guilt as I have never been certain whether that bullet was meant for me. I so
regret returning to work immediately after finding out about both circumstances-in hindsight I should have done as Robert suggested-take whatever time necessary to grieve and heal. I was determined not to let anyone 'tell me what to do' or 'try to control me'...I mistook his love and concern for my well-being as an attempt to control me. What's that saying?: 'to the person outside of the burning building it's not that hot'...

During one of our talks on the Aid Car Vic Hughes told me "You're making the same mistake as me, Manita. In my mind Lucas' trying to protect me was him overreacting and overreaching; I hadn't been in an established relationship since U of W and was unused to a partner being concerned and worried about me. If you look at it, you and I are very similar: what I did with Mayhorn and you with Ryan, then Jack...well except for the triangle part' (referring to the time when I was having sex with BOTH MEN sometimes during the same 24 hours) and the younger woman grinned to take some sting out of her words.

According to the FD therapist--Diane Lewis--our activities re-wired our brains so that 'situationships' became normalized and we avoided deeper, meaningful relations. Robert even told me that he had the feeling that I had one foot out the door...ever since the day we married...
was he right? Probably...but we have been through TOO MUCH to turn back now. I often wonder if all that I've done to destroy us can be fixed. I wrote a letter and taped it to what was once OUR front door:

I love you. I'm in love with you. I never stopped. I'm so sorry that I let you down; let MYSELF down. What I've done...as unforgivable as it all was...I hope that somehow, SOME WAY you can find a way. There's so much that I regret: what I might grieve most of all is the loss of
trust that I caused you to have. I don't know what I can do to make this right--I do know that I will do whatever you say; whatever you want.

At the bottom, I penned a part of one of Jeffrey Osborne's biggest hits: one of Robert's favorites and apropo in this case: it's about two estranged lovers:

...Is there a chance...
Or am I asking for a little bit too much again
Is there are a ray of hope
Is it impossible
Don't leave me hanging on when

All you have to do is let me know
Let me know what's going on inside of your heart
All you have to do is let me know
Let me know if I should start changing my life
Changing my life...

What I'm terrified of most is that he will choose the last two lines and send me on my way. I want to go home to him: that's all that I want.