I was really confused one where to start writing this at, so I'll start here. I would introduce myself but I don't quite like the name I was given at birth, so we'll call me "Clay". I was never formally diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder mainly because I don't have the money to go get something like that tested but I know based on my symptoms, it's a guarantee that I do have it. You know they say that you need to be diagnosed with this conducive conduct disorder at around 10-15, most common outlooks on said disorder is just really bad behavior. But in a way I feel like I have to go back a bit so let's take a stroll down memory lane. I think the first time I realized something was wrong with me was when I could never find my sense of self. A common personality I should say, you know the personality you present with people. Most times the "personality" that people represent is never their true self, only a representation of who they want to be. It's confusing at first but if you look at it in hindsight, you'll realize the people you know never go out of there to tell or show who the "real" them is. When you realize you're different from a lot of other people it makes life a lot harder because of the simple fact of not being able to connect with your own emotions.
Emotions are the staple and main cognitive thought process used for making decisions, in my experience's emotions can both be good and bad. I guess in my case I've felt more negative than positive, but you know what they say there's always going to be more negative than positives or more bad than good, that's what life is. I've never quite understood why humans care so much about emotions and why they would want such trivial things to help them. Sometimes you have to wonder what makes them want to use emotions for things and not just decision making either. What pushes them forward to want to improve on themselves and their emotions. From what I've seen or understand about humans is that they are unique, the way they think, their personality, the emotions used. For someone who doesn't use any so-called emotions it's hard for me to understand the appeal of them. If they make you feel so much pain and hurt, then why would you want them? It's always left me questioning myself as well as other people, and I say that because I too used to have emotions before the change, I too used to get sad, or anxious, or stressed and at some point, I've even had depression. Moving on from that I guess I can explain the transition that has always kind of been there. I'll have to go back to the very unmemorable and unfortunate childhood of mine, and although I downplay my life experiences compared to everyone else in the instance I'm explaining, I'll try not to downplay anything. For as long as I can remember I've always tried to make myself feel important even going out of my way to do bad to be noticed. Pathetic right? Yeah, I know but it's alright because the past is the past, so I've moved on. Moving on, I've always tried to make myself feel important because throughout most of my life I've felt useless in a way. Unwanted? Someone without a purpose of any kind just to take up space. It's felt like that my whole life and mix it with troubles of having an identity or personality and bad behavior, you'll have a pretty bad childhood. A lot of the consequences I've received were results of my careless or bad actions.
I remember one particular time where i had stolen some money from my mother at the time and I had stolen money a lot sometimes I'd get away with it but when I didn't, I would get popped on the hands or I wouldn't say popped but more or so full on hit on the fingers with a pot spoon of some sort. Happened on numerous occasions and like I said it was mainly because of me so it isn't anyone's fault but my own. But sometimes I get in trouble for things that weren't my fault, but I was just far too untrustworthy because of the things I did so I was always blamed for things even if they weren't my fault. Aside from my careless decisions I never quite understood why I did the things I did, sometimes it was as if I didn't have a reason at all other than because it was a desire of mine or something I wanted to acquire then I would try my hardest to get it no matter the consequences. Impulsivity is what they call it, making decisions on a whim not ever thinking about anyone other than themselves and what they want. A common trait found in Sociopaths, a common trait found in my past self and although I'm a lot older now those impulsive traits are pretty much gone because over the years, I've been able to control myself more and more.
