Howling Heart

Chapter 15 - My Duty To My Pack

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner." I let the breeze wash over me as I lay there.

"I'm sorry you didn't feel safe enough." Ronan sat next to me. His rich chocolate skin soaked up the sun. "When did you know?"

It took me a moment to answer. "A long time now. I just didn't think it would matter. Pack laws and all that. I've been seeing suitors for, what, four years now." I sighed and pulled myself up to sit next to him. It felt good to talk about it. "But you were always my choice. I pushed down other feelings."

"Until Mae?"

"Yeah, I guess until her. But even now I'm lost. I'm scared to be myself, I'm scared to be with you, I'm mad at pack laws, and I'm terrified she can't reciprocate the feelings." I felt tears welling up and I felt like I was on a path towards destruction.

Ronan stroked the stubble growing on his chin. "I have a dumb solution. Actually maybe two."

"Oh?"

"Well, one is that you confess your feelings to Mae and run away, start your own pack. Or, we can do what's expected and be honest with one another. Both are lies."

"Do you think I can tell Jotunn?"

He shivered despite the warm weather. "I'm just glad I don't have to tell him. But I do think you should. Even if he's mad, with the hunters I doubt he'll do anything too crazy."

"Maybe I can give him an answer now, and the truth later?" I knew I was just stalling.

"As in go through with it? I suppose you could."

"I hate this." I groaned and flopped back into the grass. "Did I tell you that he told me Mae wasn't enough to protect me during that stay-home stretch before my birthday?"

"Shit." He gasped. "You... Did... Not..." Ronan stood up and stretched.

"Speaking of, I guess we should get back. Council is tonight and we both have to be there."

"I think you should talk to Mae about this. But that's just me." He shrugged and headed off to his car. "Want a ride?"

"Could you?"

The ride was silent until we got to my house. I'd see him again in a few hours. But I had to talk to Mae. But I was damned to know what to say.

Hey, I'm super gay and totally in love with you but duty tells me I have to be unhappy....

I erased the message. Despite its truth.

Mae, I don't know how to say this. But I need you to know...

Delete.

Can't wait to see you tonight. I really don't want to do this, but I feel like I have to.

Send. Exhale. Cry. The tears were warm on my face and it felt like they would never stop. But true to my nature, or at least how I was raised, I forced them back and made myself presentable.  

Night was coming quicker each day. And the council was packed before I got there. I spotted Mae and let myself drink in her beauty. As if it was the last time I would see her. Her eyes made the moon look ill. I slowly climbed to my place beside my father.

"May I ask one thing?"

"Of course my daughter." His eyes never left the pack that was trickling in.

"If I don't fight you on this, can we at least hold off on the ceremony until after the hunters are dealt with?"

"You're not ready?"

My voice dropped. "I'm not ready to choose myself over my duty." The truth was, that for the first time, I wanted to choose myself.