Sing Me To Sleep

Dear Alex

Dear Alex,

I'm writing to you because you listen and understand and I don't blame you for leaving me like everyone else has. Honest.

I do want you to know that you were the best person I've ever met on this new planet. You didn't deserve what happened. I remember the day you came out to me like it was yesterday. You took me to your special quiet place, the hill where the world seemed to stop. When you told me, I didn't know what being gay was but you were always patient with me, so you explained.

"I like girls Kara, romantically"

You said as you looked up at the stars

"oh, is that not normal for humans?"

"A lot of humans don't think it is, they hate people for being gay. Especially in a small town like this Kara"

You seemed sad as you explained but I could tell you had accepted that some people would hate you for being yourself.

"Well I'm glad you told me Alex."

You gave me the biggest grin and hugged me. You have no idea how much I miss that. You always gave the best hugs. I try to focus on that memory instead of what happened afterwards. When you told Eliza and Jeremiah. I didn't know what to do, how to defend you. I truly believed Jeremiah would accept you. I guess I was being naïve. He said awful things to you, and then he left.

We were all hurt when he left but I didn't realize how much you were hurting. You always acted strong for me, I really wish you hadn't. Maybe I could have helped, or gotten you help or anything that could have prevented what you did Alex.

I don't know how to cope with losing you. I guess that's probably why I did what I did and had to spend some time in the hospital.

But I'm better now.

I want you to know I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be. The rest of the school year was awful without you. Eliza didn't want me going back to school after the hospital but the principal said I might be held back if I didn't and I just can't redo my sophomore year. When I came back to school, everything was different, people either treated me like I was broken or completely avoided me. Even the ones I thought were my friends.

I spent most of my summer working at the Kent farm, Eliza said I would feel better if I was away for a bit. But a growth spurt under that bright Kansas sun and I grew. I'm nearly as big as Clark and he's the quarterback of Midvale's football team. And when I saw my old friends they looked at me weird. I don't see them anymore. I've always been different but now it was even harder to hide it when I was taller than most boys my age.

I'm starting my junior year of high school soon and I've decided to transfer to Midvale high. I can't go back to a school where you and I used to walk the halls together. The school where everyone knew. The school that knew me as the weird kid who spent time in the hospital. The school that I spent everyday with you and still never noticed that you needed help. I should probably go to sleep now. It's very late. The truth is school starts tomorrow and I am really afraid of going. I know you would know exactly what to say to help me. But you're not here.

Love always,

Kara