𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲𝗶 𝘀𝗸𝘆 (chester bennington)

starting to fly

Diaries

The fear of loving someone and the obsession of loving someone is the same thing. A fear of love can soon become an obsession with loving someone, same with the obsession of loving someone turning into the fear of loving someone.

And, like that, a minor threat becomes a terrifying thing. Especially when the minor threat is the only person I can actually really tolerate being around. You know, a best friend? A buddy? Whatever.

Issue is, I don't really feel like everything is so very platonic anymore. I mean, it is. To him. However, if you scanned the inside of my brain all you'd see were pictures of him.

You know, a lot of people would call that 'love.' However, I don't really see it that way. The only way I've ever felt love was watching three second clips of Chris Cornell on 120 minutes. Or maybe I'm just trying to lie to myself. Whatever, I know I did. But I'll never admit it ANYWHERE but here. I think I am madly in love with my best friend. Chester Bennington. He's the only guy who I've ever felt understood me.

When I met him I obviously didn't have any romantic intentions, hey, we were eight. It's been almost ten years, God. Fucking insane. I mean I've always felt some sort of attraction to him, I just couldn't really put it into words until I got a little older.

Hey, now I can. This is the closest to love I'll probably ever get. It's not like I'm going insane about him or anything, well I don't think. It's just weird around him now even since I realized that I was more than just completely enamored with him. Enamored with, enamored over? I don't know the words. Shit, does that sound stalker-ish?

Either way, he's my best friend. I'm his best friend. I usually would doubt a social status like 'best friend' with someone until they confirmed with me. But, he's kind of confirmed. And this is the only guy I've ever met I don't feel I need complete confirmation with. I can't really explain how I feel about him.

It's not good or bad, it's a perfect balance. I feel sick when I talk to him sometimes. But not in like, a repulsion way. I mean, if you know what I mean you know what I mean. I'd hope you'd have an idea by now. I feel sick, I feel free, I feel everything when I'm with Chester. It's like, with him it's one giant scenario. You know when you're listening to a song? For example, The Cure. Basic love song. Pictures of You. Clearly, it's more complex than 'basic love song' but this isn't about that right now.

What I mean is, when I listen to music I think about Chester no matter what. It's like I associate the things I love with him. Truly, it's a painful way to live life but all that pain goes away when I see his face. Everything in my life is connected to him somehow. I dunno.

It's senior year, now. Or it would be. It's a very thrilling and difficult experience. I can't really tell if I feel guilty for wasting my "high school experience" by dropping out and not socializing with anyone but Chester, or if I'm glad it's finally really over. Whatever. High school is a dehumanizing pain everyone has went through, and sadly I am one of them.

Outside of the struggles of getting through my teenage years, I'm in a band. I'm the lead guitarist. Chester, you know the guy I was talking about. He's the lead singer. It's insane what can come out of that guy, his voice is gorgeous. I genuinely feel like he's gonna make it one day. I don't know if that's with me or not, but there's some sort of satisfaction in feeling he's gonna be a star and I would've gotten to know him. Really well, at that matter.

I don't really think this band is anything serious. I mean Chester thinks it is, I hope it is. I really really hope the other guys are legit. I know how much Chester wants this and I know how much I wanna give it to him. He deserves the biggest chance and honestly, man, I would lay down my life for that to happen.