Miracle Mushroom

Healthy Families

Dhalia has codependent symptoms; she left her family physically but was still in the household emotionally. By making an inventory of herself in the woods, going step by step on how each of her relationships developed, she learns how to fully grieve over the emotional pain, and (implied in the epilogue) she pardons the people who hurt her.

In the epilogue, I imply that as she is going through the recovery stages, her quality of life is improving, and she is becoming a healthy woman.

Without healthy women, we do not have healthy families.

In truth, men and women are different, and there is nothing wrong about that.

The husband and wife both have their own separate qualities and identities, yet they are equals to each other. The two, being one, work together for the family unit to function.

Where the women go, the men will follow. If a man pursues an emotionally unhealthy woman and marries her, he and his family will have codependent problems.

Every family has problems of course, but a family of this type is not facing problems that pop up in life, the problem is already there in the parents.

God made the husband the head of his household, but He made women to set the tone for her family.

A candle stands tall in a cold, dark room. The candle has a fine form and can uphold itself, but even though it is well built and has an attractive aroma, it is not helpful to the room. No, you need a fire for warmth and light. A tall candle with a cheery flame eases the cold, and the light makes the room feel safer. This candle and fire slightly diminish with each passing minute, but they are always at the same healthy level.

The husband is the candle, stable and strong, and the wife is the flame, soft and nurturing but fiery when she needs to be. The candle needs the fire, and the fire needs the candle. They become one; they affect the family together for better or worse.

If the man is the head of the family wielding authority, then the woman is the neck pointing the direction. Because of how different the wife's role is from her husband's, both must work together.

At the time of writing this, I am not married, nor do I have a boyfriend, but I have observed that when the husband and wife are constantly divided and the children, who are watchful, witness this happening, the family will not stand; a household devouring itself cannot survive. Like a house built on sand, the family will fall apart when another storm comes, and then every family member will be forced to take care of themselves, even the little 3-year-old.

Just because dad is berating mom or vice versa, that does not make it right for the children to follow that example; however, that would be considered "normal" behavior for that dysfunctional household. Moreover, by seeing the family divided, the children will feel the urgent need to take on the responsibility of keeping the family together and/or find ways to escape the dysfunction, which always leads to unhealthy behaviors.

If the dad is the one with the alcohol addiction, and the mom occasionally drinks with him, she is an alcoholic too. She is partaking in the disease of alcoholism and the dysfunction that comes with it.

If you light a cigarette near a child, whether you intend or not, that child will breathe in those noxious fumes. We know this as secondhand smoke.

Alcoholism is something like this occurrence because the children consume a dry drink. They find emotionally/physically harmful ways to numb themselves from the denial, shame, guilt, and fear.

The one sure way to prevent secondhand smoke is to eliminate smoking. This is a similar solution for alcoholism, except the bottle and behavior must change. You can take away the bottle, but still have the same problems. The AA 12 steps is sanctification from the root cause of the substance addiction.

What good is the candle if the fire is so hot that she melts him to the ground, so that he is soft and a poor defense for her? What good is the fire if the candle is made from a hard material that never allows his walls to melt, so that he hides the flame with his walls and never allows her to shine.

The wife should not wring out all that she can out of her husband for herself. The husband should not, like a leech, dry up the life of his wife for his own gain.

From marriages I have seen, the couple will not benefit from consistently trying to get something out of the other; this is self-centeredness and a vain attempt to feel whole. Instead, I believe, one should ask, "What can I do to be a better husband/wife?" To serve each other is to care for each other; this makes one stand in a place of humility. This takes wisdom, discernment, and boundaries.

A marriage where the husband and wife are equally trying to fix each other and have few moments of peace because of that fact, what is that relationship worth? A marriage where the husband and wife serve each other and have boundaries, what is that relationship worth?

Remember, other people do not make us whole. People, places, fictional characters, and objects are not the source of love. No one on earth can perfectly meet our expectations and anticipate our needs, except one person: Jesus (see "The Good News" section).

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One of my older English teachers said, "Once you're a parent, you'll always be a parent. Little kids have little problems, and as they grow up, those problems get bigger and bigger."

Parents will always be parents no matter how old their child is. Of course, when the children are adults, they must take responsibility for themselves, but that does not mean they will not ask their parents for help now and then.

It appears there will still be opportunities for parents to exercise emotionally healthy responses when their children are grown up.

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I heard this phrase when I was younger: "Strict parents make for sneaky kids."

The saying is true. To be emotionally healthy, I have seen, means finding a balance between discipline and reward. If there is nothing but discipline, even for speaking the truth, how can a child learn to trust when they are constantly met with anger. To "put fear in them" would only make them resent and hate their parents.

If there is only reward, how will the child learn that there are consequences for their actions? They would not believe in the refinement of discipline. People and property will have little to no value to them if there are no consequences.

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Finding a balance between all aspects of life with recovery tools is necessary. Is a boat stable in the ocean when it leans more on the left side or right side? Neither. It must be leveled.