Midnight Mass (Camren)

CHAPTER 9

I was immediately consumed by the need to confess. To fall to my knees and spill every terrible, selfish urge and thought, to purge it all in front of her and for her, because I could see this wound in her eyes, a wound that I'd just worsened, and I had to fix it. I had to atone.

"Camila—"

She shook her head. "Give me a moment, Lauren."

I fell silent.

She took a deep breath. She was still completely naked, but it no longer mattered, because a distance was slowly settling in her eyes, along with a cold, elegant posture and a composed press of her lips—she wore an invisible armor that did far more to separate us than clothes ever could.

I tried again, desperate to keep this chasm from opening wider. "I'm so sorry, lamb. I thought you wanted it—"

"Give me a fucking minute!" Her voice started out quiet and collected, but then quickly escalated into a quavering yell, which reverberated against the studio floors and walls and also inside of my chest. She glanced away, breathing out and breathing in again. Then she turned back to me. "I did want it," she said, calmer now. "And I wanted it like that. Rough and hard. Please trust me when I tell you what I want, and please trust me to tell you to stop if I need it. I'm frankly tired of having to give you explicit permission every single time we do something kinkier than kiss. I like being fucked that way, and tonight was no exception."

"But you don't know what I was thinking when I was fucking you—"

She let out a long breath, her jaw setting. "I knew exactly what you were thinking. I saw Anton too."

Oh shit.

"Camila..." She didn't interrupt me, but I still stopped, because what could I say?

"The thing is, I didn't mind it. I thought it was kind of sexy, actually. You fucking me while he watched. And you want to know why?"

Please don't say it's because you find him attractive. Please don't say it's because you want him.

"He's gay, Lauren. He was watching because he finds you impossibly sexy, even though he's gay, you're a woman with a penis, so for him it's something new and striking, and watching you fuck me is the closest he'll ever come to fucking you himself, so I imagine it made his night. It's hot to me because I love it when anybody—man or woman—notices how sexy my Mother Jauregui is."

My mouth was dry and my mind whirled with this new information. "I don't understand," I said, blinking a little. "Anton's gay?"

"Gay," Camila confirmed. "And has had a massive crush on you since he met you a couple years ago. He asked me not to tell you, because it's obviously embarrassing for him, and I am violating that request now because I am so sick of you being jealous over nothing."

"I just...I didn't know..." I felt like such an idiot, wasting so much time being jealous and angry. Over nothing.

Camila bent down to get her bra and dress off the floor, and her movements were jerky and stilted, and I realized that Anton was not the issue here, at least not for her.

"What is it?" I asked, hoping against hope that she would tell me and not storm out.

She straightened up, fastening her bra and not looking at me. "This usually works," she said, and her voice sounded choked. "We fight and we screw and then everything is fine. I thought it would work tonight—I thought this is what I needed to feel better. To have you use me, to have you make me come. But it's not better right now."

"Because of the gala?"

"Because of everything. When we met, you were a priest and so you were putting everyone first, never thinking about yourself or what you needed. And I was so proud to be the woman who could coax selfishness out of you, who could coax you to take what you wanted."