𝐎𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐭𝐬 | ᶜʰᵃᶰᵍᵇᶤᶰ

Jeongin x Changbin

𝑪𝒐𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒏𝒕: Changbin skipped English class and met Jeongin in the bathroom. They talk about their problems and quickly become friends. 

Angst, suicide and self harm mentioned.

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Changbin POV

F,F,F... why do I keep on failing? I am giving my best, but it's still not enough. All of my friends are so smart, why can't I be like them?
I'm afraid to go home. My dad will hit me again if he sees my grades. They're getting worse every time. I can hear my mom crying in the kitchen when I'm supposed to sleep.

„What should we do with him? Not even the tutor can seem to help him. What did I do wrong?", she asked my dad.

„He needs to work more. That boy doesn't do anything to get better. It's embarrassing", I've heard him say. I'm crying myself to sleep every night. I know I'm not good enough and my parents expect me to be better. My mom tried to help me with the homework, got me a tutor and helped me study for exams, but it didn't help. Every time I see the exam papers on my desk, my mind just blanks out and I remember nothing from what I've learned.
I tried telling my teachers about my problem but they just laughed me off and told me to get back to studying.

I'm alone. Nobody can help me.

It's been a rough week. We wrote two exams and it's only Wednesday. My next lesson was English, my worst subject. I skipped. I went to the bathroom and sat down in one of the stalls. My mind was blank. I wanted to cry, scream and hurt myself, but I couldn't move. I was barely able to breathe. I stopped breathing when I heard the bathroom door open. It was silent for a minute until loud sobbing was heard from outside the stalls. Someone was punching the mirror. After some time the crying stopped. I didn't know what I was doing but I stood up and opened the door. A boy sat against the wall, his head buried in his arms. I sat beside him, staying quiet. He started crying again.

„Why are you crying?", I asked. The boy looked up at me. I remembered him, that was Jeongin from my Math class. He smiled slightly as he remembered me too.

„I got an F in chemistry again. I'm afraid to go home", he said. I nodded understanding.

„What do they do to you?", I asked. Jeongin sniffed.

„Sometimes they look me up in my room with no food for the whole weekend. On other days they just beat me up", he said. Changbin had looked at the younger properly, but now that he did he noticed that he was very slim. A small noise was heard from his stomach. Changbin thought he might be hungry and got some food from his backpack and handed it to Jeongin.

„Thank you", he said with a shy smile. One of his sleeves slid down as he ate. Changbin saw the scars on his arm. They were similar to his.

„I understand you. My grades are bad too. My dad beats me up and my mom is psychologically destroying me. I don't want to go home either", I said. Jeongin nodded.

„They just don't see how hard I'm trying", the younger said.

„Yeah. Nothing is ever enough for them. They want me to be perfect, but I'm not and I will never be. I feel stupid and worthless", I said.

„I cannot do this anymore. It's not worth living this life, I should quit before it's too late." I agreed. Jeongin said what I thought. It's scary saying you don't want to live anymore, but it's the truth. I don't want to live anymore.

„It feels unreal. I mean I've tried killing myself, but it didn't work. I'm afraid of what comes after death. Is there a heaven and a hell or just emptiness? Will I come back as an animal? I don't know, but I'm scared of finding out." Suddenly I felt like a huge weight was taken off my shoulders. Never have I ever had the chance to tell someone about stuff like that, but Jeongin understood me. We have similar problems and similar thoughts.

„My friends always say that I'm smart, but I don't think so. I'm dumb. I would have had good grades if i wasn't", Jeongin said.

„I think the same all the time too." We stayed quiet after that. Jeongin ate my lunch and I listened to his sounds, thinking about our whole conversation.
He was right with everything.

„What do you think happens after death?", I asked after a while. Jeongin thought for a few minutes.

„I don't know. And I don't want to know. I just want to escape this life, I don't care what happens afterwards", he said. I nodded. Seeing it like that was easier than worrying about the afterlife.

„Do you want to drink something with me later? I stole some money from my mom", I asked.

„Yes. Let's leave in break, I can't participate in the lessons anymore. Not that I actually did the past ten years. I have an attention deficit which makes it difficult for me to concentrate on my lessons. But the teachers don't care", he said. I totally understood what he meant. The teachers here don't care about anyone. They just teach us the stuff we have to know and don't care if someone doesn't get it.

"These teachers are assholes", I agreed.

"Changbin, how would you do it?", he suddenly asked. I looked at him perplexed.

"Do what?", I asked, not knowing what he was talking about.

"Kill yourself. How would you do it?"

"There are so many ways... I would probably either shoot myself or jump from a tall building. You die faster from shooting yourself though, so that's my first option. I wouldn't slit my wrists though, it didn't work the first time and I'm scared it won't work the second time", I said. Jeongin smiled slightly.

„I want my parents to find my dead body. Maybe they realise what they've done to me. Or I kill myself here in school. I can already hear them screaming and crying when they find me. None of them ever talked to me or wanted to be friends with me, but they would still cry over my death", he said with a smile on his face. He looked like a psychopath with that smile on his lips.

„I'm your friend now. And I would cry because you're gone and I miss you." Jeongin smiled at me. This time he looked innocent and kind.

„Thank you."

„What do you do besides thinking about suicide?"

„I study. Most of the time at least. Sometimes I listen to music when my family is not at home", he said. I'm not allowed to listen to music. My parents take my phone when they go out and when I have to study.

„I would love to listen to music. I think it could make life easier. I write poetry when I'm alone", I said,

„Oh really? That's cool. You should show me some of your texts and I will show you my favourite music", Jeongin said. His words make me happy. We could become really good friends.

„That sounds fantastic. But I don't know how we can do this. I have to go straight home after school."

„We skip the first lesson tomorrow okay? We can meet up behind the school, no one can see us there and we are in private", he said. I loved the idea. None of my other friends would skip school for me. Jeongin was different from all of them. He understood me and listened.

„Let's do it. Why don't we leave already? It stinks in here", I said. Jeongin laughed and nodded.

„It does." We stood up, grabbed our stuff and left.

„So, where are you taking me?"

„It's a surprise, but I think you will like it there", I said smiling. Jeongin had managed to make me smile after months of crying and fear.

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