When I get to the school there is nobody in the halls, I am thankful that I have a moment to myself before anyone sees me.
I grab my books for my first three classes from my locker and then get a quick drink from the water fountain before I open the door to my first period chemistry class.
The teacher, as usual, is not at their desk, as a matter of fact, he is not even in the room.. Great.
"Hey everyone! Fat-ass finally decided to join us !"
"Hey quazimoto!"
" Hey girl you haven't killed yourself yet?"
Let the torture begin.
*skip to car ride home*
The days events have left me numb as usual..until I get home of course.. But this time, a strange sense of happiness and relief wash over me because I know this is it.
I pull into my driveway, park my car and turn it off. I take a second to say goodbye to it because, even though it's old and beat up, unlike some people, it never let me down or hurt me.
I slightly open the front door and peek my head around it and see that nobody is home, so I walk in and head straight to my room where I already know how I'm going to go through with this, but first, I want to leave a note and a video.
I pull out my camcorder and press record.
I wave at the camera and say this is what I've been hiding.
I take off my shirt Not even feeling a little embarrassed.
I stick my wrists in front of the lens. "This is what I did. I know you may be wondering why, and it may not make sense when I say This, but the pain is what made me feel alive, it reminded me that I was still breathing."
I then stepped away from the camera and showed the rest of me. " these bruises I did not do." I slowly started to turn in a small circle to show off what was on my back "I didn't do this either.. He did. My step dad. Mom, I'm sorry for keeping this from you, but I knew that it would have destroyed you if I told you. But I knew it was too late for me. I couldn't be saved. I love you.
I pressed the stop record button, put my shirt back on and went to start the note.
I sat at my desk for thirty minutes before I knew what to wright.
" dear mom.
I know this is hard for you, but I want to make sure that you understand that I love you and that this is not your fault. I have tried to fix it, but I know that I just don't fit in here. This world is full of sin and I was born in the wrong time and in the wrong place. I know that in a year you will be fine because I'm not something to be dwelled on, that's what all the kids at school say. But before I go. I made you this tape. I put the tape that I had just filmed beside my note. Please watch it. That is the only thing that I ask.. It will help you to understand. Again. I love you."
