I'm Broken

White Lilies

"Hey Mom. How are you?" I ask as I take a seat on the green, freshly cut grass.

"I hope you're doing well, still smiling and making jokes as always." I grin and let out a small laugh.

"It's been pretty good here I guess. I mean my grades were pretty good at the end of the semester. I got all A's on my exams and on my report card... so I think I'm finally done with high school." I say sarcastically, I can see her smile and laugh lightly at my statement. "You know today is officially the beginning of summer, I bet everyone is already swimming and eating yummy ice cream. I'll have to buy some and share it with you one of these days." I smile, glancing up at the cerulean blue sky.

"Hey Mom do you remember that time dad bought us all ice cream and you joked around and made a bet that he couldn't finish his ice cream in under 2 minutes? I remember, it was hilarious, he kept taking these humongous bites! I was afraid he would eventually swallow his whole hand! But after one minute and forty-six seconds, a whole cone was devoured. He had one of the worst brain freezes in history." I start to laugh lightly at the memory.

"He grabbed his head and kept yelling 'OWWWWW MY HEADDDDDD!' 'BRAIN FREEEZZEEE!'." I glance upwards, envisioning his reaction in my mind with a large grin spreading across my face.

"My favorite part of the whole bet was right after the brain freeze finally went away, he looked at you and proudly asked what his reward was, and you said.. 'Your reward is being the biggest moron on the planet.' His face was priceless. It made me feel bad for him because he actually ate the whole thing without thinking about getting a brain freeze. I guess that's just how men are, all about their ego and not about their brain." I smile and look down at the bouquet of white lilies resting in my lap.

"Oh mom, I almost forgot, I brought you some more flowers since the ones I brought last time are starting to wilt." I remove the clear plastic wrapping around the delicate bouquet, setting it on the ground. I get up and remove the already wilting flowers out of the clear glass vase, swapping them out with the fresh bouquet of lilies. I arrange them carefully making sure each flower is facing the front neatly. When I finish my arrangement, I set the wilted flowers on the plastic wrapping and take a seat.

"I hope you like them, I know lilies are your favorite. I made sure to pick out the most vibrant ones, as always, from George's shop. He says hello. He proposed to his girlfriend recently. I think he really loves this girl, he won't ever stop talking about her to me. He's always saying how he's so blessed to wake up everyday with her in his life, how she makes him the happiest he's ever been, he even says he loves her more than he loves flowers. I know, I'm amazed myself. I always thought flowers were forever going to be #1 on the list of things he loves. But I guess that's what love does to people." I say while mindlessly picking random blades of grass.

"Mom, did love make you feel that way about dad? Well, not about you loving him more than flowers, but did your heart love him more than all the other things you loved combined? I wonder if I'll ever find a love as strong as the one you and dad shared, or the one as strong as George and his fiancé." I look down at my hands and frown slightly.

"But I doubt I'll find someone like that. Not like this, not as I am, or as I'll ever be." I trail off, my eyes beginning to gloss over, slightly blurring my vision.

"Nobody will ever take the time to understand. Nobody will ever make me happy, not like you did mom... No one will ever love me completely, still knowing that I'm shattered glass, unfixable shattered glass." I look up as small tears fall down my cheeks. I begin to feel the oh so familiar feelings that occur every time I show just one ounce of happiness. My heart begins to ache in such a pain that I know will never go away, but that fact doesn't even affect me anymore. It's the same as having a scab over a wound. The more you pull, the closer you are to revealing the healing skin underneath, never being able to let it heal due to the tempting desire to remove the layer healing it.

"Mom... why did you have to go? Why did you leave me and dad? Why did you leave our hearts to ache and hurt so terribly for all these years? Why can't you come back?! God mom. I miss you, I miss you so damn much it's not even funny. I can't even imagine how much dad misses you. He loves you so much mom, he's been so strong all these years... While I haven't ever been able to step foot outside my room without remembering that you're not here, that you'll never ever be here." I cover my face with my hands and begin to sob uncontrollably, letting the tears run down my face and onto my lap. I sit up and start wiping the tears away with the collar of my t-shirt.

"Just look at me mom. Every time I come to see you I always end up crying." I look down at my hands. Silently observing them while attempting to calm myself down.

"I'm sorry mom. I'm so so sorry. I hate feeling this way... But I just can't help it. I miss you so much. I miss your voice, your laugh, hearing your sarcasm, hearing you sing... I miss everything." I look up and turn my head to the side. I hesitantly focus my attention to the slab of granite sitting next to me.

"Gianna Hope

Loving wife to Henry Hope and devoted mother to Liliana Hope.

August xxxx - January xxxx"

I frown slightly, I dislike looking at her tombstone. In the 8 years that it's been sitting here, I've always had a hard time looking at it. I sigh and take a look up at the sky once more, readying myself to say farewell for today.

"Mom, I really hope you're in heaven as a beautiful angel. You did always say you looked ravishing in white. I can't disagree on that one, you looked so beautiful in your wedding gown." I lightly smile, and continue looking up at the clear, sunny sky. "I hope when the day comes that we're reunited, we'll think about all the wonderful memories we shared. We'll laugh at the silly ones, frown at the sad ones, and we'll smile and hug at the happy ones. I would really love that mom." I pick up the lightly wilted flowers and plastic on the ground sitting next to me, and slowly start to get up off the grass. I brush off the bits of dirt clinging onto my jeans with my free hand. I take one final look her tombstone and take a deep breath.

"Mom, I love you." With that, I turn around and slowly make my way home.