The Rules of Society

Chapter 1 (end) - Rule 4

Rule No. 4: The feeling of loneliness or being alone.

I thought that I wasn't alone anymore. Every day everyone surrounds them. I thought I was considered a true friend to them, but day by day I slowly faded into the crowd of people trying to get their attention. I went from their "friend" to just another person trying to be their friend. They slowly stopped noticing me day after day. I kept trying to be their friend all week, but they didn't even look my way, like the others do in class. how are they able to so easily pretend this giant crowd isn't there? How are they able to so casually hang out right in front of this ruckus? It's like they are putting on a show and we are the audience trying to get the performers' attention. Should I just try harder? Spend more of my time trying to stand out beside everyone else with the same goal? That seemed pointless.

Kelly was cheering for Jane like she accomplished something great. I couldn't tell behind the massive crowd. I tried to get closer to where Kelly was looking to get a better look at the scene.

Woo!! Go Jane!! Cheered Kelly as she prepared to raise her arms in the air in spirit.

That's where she punched me in the nose. Of course it was an accident, but it really hurt.

Tears started forming in my eyes from the unfathomable pain as I tried not to make a sound, to hold back. After all, it's embarrassing to cry in school. I didn't want anyone calling me a child like my mother did. Kelly was nice about it though. She gasped and covered her mouth with her hands.

Oh my god, are you okay? I'm so sorry!

Nah, it's good. I'm fine.

Does it hurt?

Nope, you're all good.

I'm so sorry!

It's alright.

I left the scene before she noticed how much pain I was trying to hold back.

Hey daddy! Look at my dance!

He cringed, not being able to make a smile.

Did you like it?!

You should encourage her.

I know, Shaniya. I am.

You can't even smile at her right now.

I'm trying my best, okay?

Is my dance really that bad?

No sweetie, it's not bad at all!

Shaniya gave Dan a stern look.

Monday, the start of next week.

I guess if they won't even speak to me, we aren't friends? I mean, if they dont notice me, then it's alright if I stop joining this giant crowd. They won't notice I'm gone. I just don't see a point in trying to be seen like everyone else is.

I saw 2 people talking to each other outside of the group, just aimlessly walking around the wide field. I noticed nobody in class spoke to them too. Maybe they're like me? I went to talk with them, they didn't ignore me like the others. We had conversations but they didn't seem very interested in making conversation with me. We didn't have much in common, either. Over the next week, I tried making as much conversation as possible, always hanging out with them during breaks. But they never seemed too interested in speaking to me most of the time. I decided then that I was better off reading a book during breaks alone, or wandering aimlessly. Majority of my breaks I ended up alone. I sang to myself during breaks to find comfort in this unfamiliar cold atmosphere. It feels weird. I guess I got a little used to it, but it didn't stop being lonely. Day after day I could see the girls group seeming to have the best times of their lives. Everyone surrounding them seemed to genuinely be having fun despite the fact they weren't even noticed by them in any way. I was left to ponder to myself, comfort myself, and read by myself both outside the school and inside it. I started to prefer being in class and reading inside during lunch rather than going outside for break. Nobody cared to speak to me. There was an invisible wall between me and those girls. Between me and the class. Even those who were not spoken to by the class were not interested in speaking with me. Months passed, then seasons, and I was still always so alone. Watching others connect while I was still alone. Always alone, always invisible, always quiet. It was kind of depressing but despite that I never stopped trying to see things with a positive lens, a positive outlook. I was still excited when presenting in my favorite subjects, like literature, doing artworks in art and was eager to learn an instrument in music since I hadn't learnt an instrument before. Days passed by, the same cycle, over and over again. Waiting, hoping, that one day someone will want to be friends with me. To speak with me. But that isn't possible because of this invisible wall between me and the class. Maybe it was because everyone was already in their own friend groups or something and there was no space for me. I wish someone would tell me why. I went into this school year hoping it would be different, that I would be different. I thought it would be different. But it was the same.