cry baby ＊ novahd

two.

You're changing your prescription,

I'm barely getting dressed.

I'm having trouble sleeping,

You're feeling meaningless.

><><

"...you feel?" she glanced at me, confusion evident on her features.

i blinked, "huh?" i asked, not concentrating on what she was telling me.

she sighed and i watched as her lips moved steadily, but my brain couldn't pick up the words that were being mumbled. everything was quiet and i could faintly hear what she was saying, but i couldn't get myself to concentrate enough to pick any of it up. my mind kept flicking through random things, like my thought process was a television and couldn't make up it's mind on what it wanted to watch.

i felt really bad that i wasn't paying attention, she was probably saying something really important and i'm making her very annoyed. fuck, she hates me. i'm not going to be able to come back here. i'm irreparable. i'm broken, she can't heal me with her stupid advice.

also that has me thinking, why do people pay other people, like my therapists, to give them advice that they could look up online? why am i even here? it's not like i'll actually take her advice or anything.

"aleksandr, did you get any of that?" she inquired softly. my eyes shot up to meet hers as my mind just threw away the thought and i couldn't even remember what i was thinking at all.

"hm? oh yeah, sure." i replied nonchalantly as i internally panicked. fuck, fuck, fuck. did she say something important? shit, she did, didn't she? she doesn't like me anymore, she can't help me. i'm a goner. i can never do anything right, god fucking dammit.

"aleks, it's okay, no need to panic." she stated calmly, probably noticing my tense behavior. i nodded lightly, finally able to somewhat pay attention.

she smiled lightly. "okay, just calm down and relax, you're fine." she breathed deeply and continued. "have you been having any paranoid thoughts? like someone is out to get you?" she questioned, placing her notepad on her lap and bit on her pen cap.

that really irritates me, other people might use that pen.

"stop that." i hissed, glaring at the pen between her teeth. she furrowed her eyebrows then realized what i was referring to and removed the pen from her lips.

"sorry, but do you have an answer? take your time." she pushed yet she tells me not to rush. how does that even work?

i closed my eyes and tried to remember the question. paranoid? "yes. very much so that i think i might of even gone mad." i lied, giggled lightly not opening my eyes to see her expression. she probably looked really perturbed. i can't blame her, i sounded insane.

she hummed lightly, i could hear the light scratch of the pen scribbling on the paper.

she asked more questions about it, but i refused to answer. my eyes were still closed, i'm not sure why i never opened them.

after sighing in defeat, she let me go.

i opened my eyes and left the room without a second glance.

i sat in the waiting room, the sounds in the room seeming louder than ever. it confused me because there wasn't many people, only three. when the lady at the front getting signed left, i walked over and signed myself out.

the male at the front just smiled at me as i left, not even saying anything, just smiling and it agitated me.

on the walk back to my apartment i noticed someone familiar at the edge of the street corner. The male was looking down at his phone and seemed concentrated on something.

i didn't say anything to him, scared of embarrassment, and just kept traversing down the path. i almost sighed in relief till he looked up from his phone and stared right at me. i stopped in my trace, too alarmed to keep going.

he raised an eyebrow and realization dawned on him as he smiled. "hey aleks." he said, waving lightly. sort of like a salute and it confused me as to why that was necessary. i decided not to question it.

"uh, seamus, right?" i asked, glancing back to him and then the sidewalk, over and over again.

he did a little bow, tucking his phone into his jean pocket. "the one and only." he stated with a small laugh. i didn't understand what was so funny, but forced a laugh out anyways.

i was terrified that he was talking to me, no one does that anymore.

my nervousness must have got the best of me because next thing i knew i was rushing back to my flat, leaving a confused seamus behind.

i entered my apartment and for some reason i laid on the carpet and just stared at the ceiling. i wasn't sure what came over me to do that, but i did it anyways.

i slowly got up and headed into the kitchen just to grab a bottle of whiskey from the fridge.

i laid back on the carpet and chugged the whiskey, my vision going hazy for a moment.

i took a deep breath when i lifted the bottle away from my lips and placed it up-right beside me.

my head went berserk by the time the bottle was empty. the room was spinning and i sort of just watched as the ceiling spun, giggling silently.

i ended up taking my medication with the whiskey and when i glanced at the table, i realized all my pills were gone. i groaned, sitting up, confusion filling my brain.

i thought i just got my bottle filled?

i didn't think too much about it as my eyes fluttered shut.