closure // Blarg

warzone moments

Farrow has been thinking about her family a lot recently. Something she usually tried to avoid, as she knew herself well enough to know it was a bad idea, but she did it anyway. She let herself go down the spiral of the rejection and neglect her family put her through.

It would start with her mum. Who she lived with for the first eighteen years of her life. Who, despite wanting children, emotionally and physically neglected them when they were no longer small and cute. Farrow inherited her spiteful nature and skills with emotional repression from her— it took her a long time to break the latter habit, something she still struggled with when times got tough.

Her mother was on a very long list of people in her family that Farrow didn't talk to. But, the difference between her mum and the rest of her family was that Farrow was the one who stopped contact with her mother— for the sake of her own mental health. The same couldn't be said for her dad. Who she desperately tried to have a close relationship with.

Farrow struggled to keep a relationship with her family for years— it wasn't fun. She was an introvert by nature— and the limited energy she had usually depleted quickly because of her bad mental health.

The physical distance Farrow got from her family when she moved to America helped a lot as she could message and didn't need to see and deal with the chaotic family members she didn't like— her uncles, most of whom were alcoholics and had too much anger for Farrow to be comfortable around them.

It allowed her to have a better relationship with her brother and a few of the cousins she liked— Emily on her dad's side, Elsie and Noah on her mum's side.

So, to make matters worse, she didn't even know why they wouldn't talk to her now.

She always got the feeling that they didn't like her. Farrow often thought they would have liked her more if she was a boy, as she was one of the few girls in a large family of mostly boys.

Farrow was loud and full of emotion and unapologetically herself as a child... she was girly... 'too much'. For a long time, she ignored their judgement, but it didn't stop it from hurting. Farrow was twelve when she gave up on being herself. It got tiring, so she retreated into herself and stayed quiet. Farrow started to dress like a tomboy and rejected femininity. Essentially, she became a pick-me. The teasing from her family didn't stop, but at least, this time, it wasn't because of who she was.

Despite this, Farrow tried to keep contact with them long before Amelia died— but after, she had hoped to lean on them for support. Instead, her family were a big part of the reason she dissociated for as long as she did.

It was around the beginning of September 2019. She asked her dad's girlfriend what they were doing for Christmas as she hoped to spend the holidays with them. She got a message back after a week saying they had plans... and that was the last she heard from any of her family.

Even her mum's side wouldn't message her back. But what got to her the most was her older brother's silence at her messages. They had always been close— even with a four-year age difference. With everything they went through in their childhood and teenage years, they had grown very protective of each other.

Farrow couldn't help but be proud of her brother, even if he hated her now.

Much like Farrow, he struggled to figure out what he wanted to do for a living, and again, like Farrow, who fell into music production, her brother fell into becoming a comedian. And thanks to her future sister-in-law's Instagram, she knew his first Netflix special had just dropped. And they had adopted a one-year-old cat named Doug(which Farrow found amusing, considering Matt also had a black cat named Doug).